We need to talk

I had somewhat of a meltdown yesterday. I carried the weight of almost eight months now of trying to conceive...I seethed in frustration that my body can't decide when it wants to menstruate and when it doesn't...I have tested my ovulation hopefully, only for there to be (seemingly) endless days of negative results...I reflected ruefully at the quantity of our attempts at conception, though never the quality--never, never the quality. I told Ben we needed to talk. After a few minutes of getting things off our chest in loud voices, we were able to start having a real conversation.

We were honest with each other and realized that we had both come to resent the process I had created--the ovulation tests and the fertile windows and the pressure it put on us. I said that I felt like if I didn't do everything I could to try to conceive and we didn't conceive, it was because I hadn't done enough. He said that he didn't feel he was a part of the efforts anymore since I had started tracking and testing. He felt like a baby-making tool and not a husband. I felt like a science experiment and not a wife.

So, goodbye ovulation strips. Goodbye fertile windows. Goodbye science experiment. Goodbye pressure. Hello accepting things as they are and as they are meant to be. Hello enjoying ourselves in the process. Hello inner peace. How I've missed you.

Saying it out loud

Trying to have a baby is stressful...especially when your body refuses to cooperate. I know there are still more things I can do to “help” the process along, like using the ovulation strips that have been taking up real estate in my cabinet under the bathroom sink. Part of me just wants to give up. Part of me is fed up with being disappointed month after month. Part of me wonders if my body is trying to sabotage any chance I have at getting pregnant, because lately I’ve had more days per month that are “unfeasible” than not.

I’ve started having bad dreams. If I dream at all, they are scary or just plain strange. I’ve dreamt of being caught in a flood (I've had that one twice), of being shot at, of being threatened, of my dad's house being on fire (I've had that one twice, too). It’s been weeks of bad dreams now and I wish I could have a happy dream for once. I would even settle for a neutral dream. One where I don’t wake up in a panic or depressed.

It doesn’t help that I worry about what will happen once Ben graduates law school. We’ve talked about options, but it’s three months away and all we’ve got is options. Even if he got a job flipping burgers, I would feel better. I would never want him to work fast food with a Juris Doctorate, but if that’s what it takes to keep our bills paid...

Something’s got to give. A friend told me that I won’t get pregnant if I’m stressed. Unfortunately, if not being pregnant is part of the stress, it’s just a vicious cycle. She suggested I let it go and find a happy place. Does anyone have one they can let me borrow for a while?