Mixed feelings

Even though a baby will be no less than a blessing, I have mixed feelings. We're having trouble with finances since Ben hasn't been able to find a job. I've been saving as much as I could spare from my paychecks since February, anticipating this scenario, but it is becoming clear it wasn't enough. I know they say that you can't wait until the "right" time to have a baby, because it will never be the "right" time, but this just seems like the wrong time.

Hopefully Ben can find a job soon, either in his field (ideally) or in something unrelated (realistically, at least for the time being) and maybe that will create a better situation to potentially bring another person into. I feel like it is selfish to want a baby now when I'm worried about how we'll support the two of us. But, I also don't want to dismiss all the effort we've put into the last year of trying. We're looking at budget options and have already made changes that will ease things a little. We make too much just on my salary to be eligible for government assistance, even if I had a baby in my arms right this second (not that I would want to, but I'm not too proud to do it if it meant being able to feed and clothe my child). We just have to keep trying to do the best we can with what we've got until things change.

Life is never easy, is it?

Comfort

I'm going to cross-post this on my Ovarian Cancer Awareness blog.

I had my doctor's appointment this week. They were as helpful as they could be, I suppose. They drew some blood and made me pee twice in forty minutes (the first one got dumped and they didn't consider that they'd need it again). They told me to call back to get some of the test results back.

That time until I could call was both long and short. I was very impatient. But, work kept me busy and a friend even had to remind me to call because of that. The first time I called, I got their voicemail greeting. I didn't want to leave a message, so I figured I'd call back in a few minutes. The second time, someone answered. I gave her my name and why I was calling and she checked my file. They didn't have the results in the file yet, so she needed to find someone who had the paper results and she put me on hold.

The hold music wasn't bad. The first song was a Maroon 5 song...Love Somebody, I think. It ended pretty quickly, as it had been almost over. The next song started and my phone was cutting in and out, but I heard two notes and knew exactly what song it was. I waited until I could hear it completely to say for sure, but I was right. It was the song that reminds me of my mother, I Hope You Dance. It had come out when my mom was dying and I had bought the cassette tape and played it for her. It's not the only song that reminds me of her--there are a couple Christian songs that she loved and the song that she danced to with my dad at their wedding also remind me of her. I've heard one of the Christian songs playing when I needed the reminder, but this is the song that has shown up the most when I needed the reminder. I knew she was with me.

The woman came back on the phone and gave me the test results, which were quite positive, and that means we can move forward. I have a follow-up appointment at the end of the month. Fingers crossed!

Dear baby... (3)

It's been a rough couple of months for me, baby. I kept wanting to write you again, but couldn't find anything worth saying. Even now, I'm digging deep to come up with today's letter.

I don't want to be overprotective, and I'm going to keep a close watch because I might tend that way. I know many parents say that they want better for their children than they had. I don't. I had a pretty good childhood. Sure, my mom and I had our issues, and some of them I understand now and some I realize won't work for me as a parent. My parents didn't discuss finances in depth with us, yet instilled the value of fiscal responsibility through their practices. My parents tried their best not to fight in front of us, and we knew what it meant when they went into their room and shut the door. They always came out with a unified front, no matter what they each may have gone in with. My parents gave me a solid foundation to grow from. In fact, I've said before when reflecting on my teenage years that I wasn't so much rebelling against my parents as I was *rappelling* from them. I knew what the values were that they helped cultivate in our family and that kept me anchored. Did I push the limits? Yes, but I always knew that I was still tethered and could safely explore the boundaries, even if it meant there were consequences if I pushed them too far. That's what I want to provide to you, baby, one of the many things.

Other things that I want to teach you, give you, help you learn and understand, guide you and offer you include...

...compassion
...trust
...self-reliance
...open-mindedness
...responsibility
...integrity
...diplomacy
...humility
...critical thinking
...creativity
...flexibility
...respect
...perseverance
...empathy
...loyalty
...charity
...patience
...conviction
...curiousity


This is such a very short list of everything I will have twenty-two short years (plus or minus some) to nurture with you. Let's get started, shall we? I'll wait until you're ready. :)