Dear baby... (2)

Dear baby,

You won't be joining us this month. While it is hard for me to accept, I must. As I've said before, amazing things take time and you are no exception. Your dad held me yesterday as I wept into his shirt and told me that we were getting all the bad batches out of our system first before we could have an amazing baby. Ok, he used another word other than bad, but it's not a word I want your little ears to hear, so I picked a synonym.

I think I'll tell you about your dad this time. Here are some things to know about him.

-He is a very, very good man. You are very lucky to have a dad like him, and I am lucky to have a husband like him. He will help you grow up to be a good person and a good citizen...the latter probably better than me. ;)

-I'm proud that he is an Eagle Scout. There have been some issues lately around the BSA that have created a not-so-nice view of the scouts. I hope that by the time you are here and will be participating in some form of scouting, that a more welcoming policy has been put in place. Regardless, the scouting movement, apart from its beaurocratic parent organization, stands for loyalty, bravery, kindness and reverence, among others. All of those things are good qualities to have or strive for. He is also a Minisino (one day maybe your Uncle Luke or your dad could explain what that is) and Order of the Arrow brotherhood (which your Grandpa Mike can explain as well).

-He is a talented storyteller. He loves to captivate his audience as he entertains them with his words. He is able to think of ways to describe things that are simple to understand, yet capture his point well. Many times it includes humor. This will be a benefit in his law career. Right now we don't know how that will turn out, but we are hopeful it will be a good process and outcome. It will also be a benefit as a parent. I can't wait to hear him tell you stories.

-He is very close with his family. He and his brother, your Uncle Matt, have a wonderful relationship, even though they are 15 years apart. Your Aunt Emily is very special to him, too, and they enjoy poking fun at each other. His relationship with his parents is one that he cherishes. He can talk to your Grandma Dana about nearly anything and he has so much in common with your Grandpa Mike.

-He is a nerd. He loves to play games like D&D, Dark Heresy, L5R, Minecraft and Fable. In fact, he plays some of these games with me, his family, your Grandpa Bruce and Uncle Luke, and your Uncle Keith and Aunt Sara. Who knows what games will look like or be like when you are old enough to play and appreciate. Be thankful that you have your dad, because if it were up to me, electronics would be used at an absolute minimum. He will be the influence that keeps our parenting balanced.

-He and I both are very much looking forward to having you in our lives. He will do anything in his power for you. So, I don't know how many more bad batches we have to get out of our system before we have you, but it will be worth it.

Several thoughts and a song

This is going to be a mix of several unrelated thoughts...none of them enough to warrant their own entry. I'm also including a song at the end that I wrote 3 years ago, before Ben and I were married, but when I was very much wanting children, and unsure of when we would be pursuing our goal of parenthood.

1. A friend was recently talking to me about some financial hardships he and his wife (and their son) have been facing. He said that he was looking at curses as blessings and explained why the hardships would help him in the long-run. It made me think of how I could look at the frustration I have with trying to conceive. If we had gotten pregnant right away, we would be facing bar exam with a baby, possibly without a job for Ben. Difficult. If we had gotten pregnant within the first few months, we would be facing bar prep/exam with an imminent delivery, possibly without a job for Ben. Also difficult. If we had gotten pregnant around the beginning of the year, we would be facing both of my siblings' weddings in September with an imminent delivery, possibly without a job for Ben or a very new job for Ben. Not desirable. If we get pregnant now(ish), there is a good chance Ben will have found a job, will have been there a few months, hopefully, and we might be in a better position to welcome a baby into our family.

2. I had a dream the other day. I dreamt that an acquaintance and I were riding in the back seat of a car together and the acquaintance was pregnant (she is not IRL). She was going on and on and on and on about the pregnancy and I ran out of patience. When she started talking about it again, I screamed "I hate you" at her. In the dream, I immediately felt badly (though it did make her stop talking about it) and apologized for yelling and saying that I hated her. I woke up shortly after that and felt even more badly. I don't feel hatred toward anyone who is pregnant. Jealousy? Of course, but not hatred. It disturbed me that my subconscious was putting those thoughts in my head.

3. I was looking at the app I use to keep track of my cycles. I also keep track of our attempts at conception, so that when we do get pregnant, we can be able to figure out when it took place. I've been keeping up with it pretty well since December. When Ben and I had our talk and said we (I) would stop doing so much to track/monitor stuff, this is the one thing I kept up. First, it's just good to know when to expect stuff. Second, it helps me remember things, like when things started going wonky and times we were more active than others. Every month since December there has been a time of inactivity at least 5 days long--except this month. I'm hopeful. I have to be.

4. If you're reading this and you've asked me (or someone else) this next question, know that I hold no ill will toward you, but I do want to express my feelings about the question and my internal reaction. Twice in the last week, I have been asked when Ben and I planned to start a family. Neither of the people who asked are people I would consider friends, but merely acquaintances or friends of friends. This is not an unusual occurrence. I want to use this medium to explain what goes through my head and the emotions attached.
Innocent questioner: "When are you guys going to have a baby of your own?"
Me, in my head: *weeps* I wish we had one already. We've been trying for several months now, not to mention the years I spent waiting to just be able to try. It's really hard, you know, seeing other people being pregnant, with babies, etc and having this difficulty.
*annoyed* First of all, why is it your business? I get that you're curious/making conversation/want us to, but frankly that is a very personal question. Second, what answer do you want? Do you want me to smile and say 'When God wants it to happen'? Do you want me to go into detail about how we've struggled month after month of failures? Do you want me to give you permission to contribute your unsolicited opinion/advice on the topic? Why don't you tell me about what you did that helped you be successful that I haven't already tried over and over?
*self-talk* Don't say anything sarcastic or nasty, Janine. Give them the benefit of the doubt. They don't mean anything by it. They probably don't realize what they've just asked. Just pull yourself together, don't cry, and act upbeat.
Me, out loud: "We've been trying for a while now. We're hoping next month will be our month."

Please think about the question you may feel inclined to ask and consider what might be going through my mind or the mind of another woman/man you would be asking. Those emotions don't go away easily. You have just reminded me again of the frustration around trying to conceive that I try to keep hidden and under control. I may carry it with me for hours or the rest of the day until I'm no longer preoccupied by it.

5. So, here is the song. Like I said, originally I had written it in September 2010, before I got married, which you'll see in the lyrics. I've updated it slightly to reflect more of my current situation.

One of these days, you say
you'll be a daddy.
One of these days, you say,
once you have your degree.
I know that's how
it really should be.
So I will wait for
one of these days.
One of these days, I say,
I'll be a mommy.
One of these days, I say,
when we settle down.
I know that I
have yet to wear
my wedding gown.
So I will wait for
one of these days.
I've done so much waiting already;
the years have gone in the blink of an eye.
It's getting harder to smile through the tears.
How long will it be until my tears can dry?
One of these days, they say,
we'll have a family.
One of these days, they say,
it's not too late.
I know that I
will continue to wait...
until it's finally one of these days.
But why can't today
be one of these days?
Yes, why can't today
be one of these days?
Please say that today
is one of these days.

What women want

Have you seen the movie "What Women Want" with Mel Gibson? Well, there is a character that is played by Judy Greer. Because Mel's character can hear what women think (that's not a spoiler, right? Lol), he has unique insight to what she is thinking, when to the rest of the office she's just the quiet file clerk. At one point, Mel's character tells Judy's character that she seems sad, and she responds "You could sense that?" It's a very minor part of the story, but one that I identified with today.

At least twice that I can remember specifically lately, possibly more because I've noticed a pattern now, people (both those who interact with me regularly and those who don't) have asked if I'm ok and mentioned that I seemed sad. Now, granted the one today was when I was trying to count handouts for a training, so I don't really know what her expectation for how I was supposed to look like was. But still the question was asked. I had the same reaction in my head that Judy's character had: "Can they really sense it?" I wondered if, to these people who are remarking on how I look sad, my genuine sadness over the struggle with conception is coming through. And if they are the people who are remarking on it, how many more people think it without saying anything? Is my sadness bleeding over into my everyday life and not just when I'm actively concerned with it?

I like to think that I've been pretty strong and have kept my frustrations and sadness from being public fairly well, unless I choose to share them publicly. It worries me that I may not be doing as good of a job at it as I think I am, and don't know if it's something that needs further attention. I do know that it's on my radar now and I can be more intentional about reflecting on/deciding whether I need to devote attention to it. Until then, I'll try not to look sad, because I really do have a ton to be happy about and just one thing to be sad about.

Dear baby...

Dear baby,

Hi, I'm your mom. Well, to be honest, I'm not your mom right this second. You aren't even a twinkle in my eye, so I'm not mom quite yet. But, I am ready to be! I thought this would be as good of a time as any to introduce myself. Here are some things about me that you may or may not learn over the many, many years we'll spend together.

-I love to dance. Your dad and I enjoy dancing together, whether it's spontaneously twirling me in the middle of the grocery store, pulling each other into a waltz in the kitchen or going to dance events. It's an activity we like sharing, and I hope it gets passed on to you!

-I also love to sing. Karaoke is a blast. I may not have the best voice, but I don't think I'm too bad, either. I look forward to singing you to sleep or belting out our favorite lyrics in the car.

-I'm pretty darn creative if I do say so myself. I don't know why...things just seem to come to me. A friend the other day told me that I was always thinking. It wasn't in a mean way, but a funny way. She was right! Maybe that's part of being creative is that my brain is always churning and thinking of new ways to do things.

-I'm also pretty logical and analytical. I really like looking at numbers, data, statistics and getting it to make sense, finding the patterns and applying it to my problems. I'm not as analytical as your Uncle Luke, but we can't all be perfect. :)

-I love to go to the thrift store. It is one of my most favorite things to do with your Aunt Sara. First of all, the clothes are inexpensive. Second of all, it's fun looking for a diamond in the rough, that awesome cashmere sweater or leather jacket that you can snatch up. Third of all, we like going into the fancy la-di-da dresses and finding the most hideous one. Going to the thrift store was something I enjoyed doing with my mom growing up, and I can't wait to have those adventures with you, too.

-I'm kind of crazy and goofy and silly. I also know when it's important to be structured and serious and responsible. You have to find a balance that will work for you. Life can't all be fun and games, but it can't all be boring and buttoned-up, either.

-I truly enjoy my job working with child care centers. We help so many programs do lots of good things for children just like you. It makes me so happy to be able to support those children and help their teachers do the best they can for them. I don't know if I will be working when you arrive, or if I am, if I will still be working at 4C. But, it's one of my passions right now.

-I was married before I met your dad. My husband's name was Bryan. We started dating when I was in high school and were together for four years before we got married. Our marriage lasted less than a year before we separated and soon got divorced. We were young when we got married. I was 22 and he was 23. That may not seem young to you, but it is when you're talking about knowing who you are and how who you are will fit with the other person. Neither one of us were prepared to be married. Bryan still had things he wanted to do for himself. I was relying on him a lot after my mom had died and didn't realize how much I was asking of him. It was not a good decision for us to get married when we did, but I wouldn't change it for the world. It made me the person I am today and the wife I am today. If I had not had that experience, it's possible your dad and I never would have met. There are a lot of people in the world who get married as young as I did, or younger, and have very successful marriages. I want you to have a successful marriage. The best advice I can give is to be secure and confident in yourself before you connect your life with someone else's. That doesn't have an age minimum associated with it, but it is a very abstract idea and one that is difficult to gauge at any age. I will be there if you need me to help you figure it out.

-Your dad and I love each other very much. I like to think we have a really good marriage. I hope that it is as strong when we have you as it is now, if not stronger. I know we will need to change in our relationship in order to be good parents for you, but I want to model a positive, loving home environment for you. We may show affection to each other. A lot. It's because we love each other so much and we want to express it. I'd rather embarrass you by being kissy-kissy with your dad than something scary, shameful or harmful.

-I love you very much. Like I said earlier, you're not even you yet, and I already love you. I can't imagine what my life is going to be like with you, but I'm sure as soon as you're here, I won't be able to imagine my life without you.

Sooooo cute!!

I promised this one would be a positive post, and I plan to keep that promise.

Last week, my family and I went out for dinner for my birthday and my brother's fiancee's birthday. As we ate, there was a TV the restaurant had playing and a show that I had never heard of came on...Bet on Your Baby. The title made me think "Whaaaatttt??" but the show is adorable!

Basically, there are "challenges" that a parent and a baby have to complete in a play room while the other parent stays on the stage and bets how successful they will be. Anyone who has been around babies/toddlers knows how unpredictable they can be, and the show cashes in on that, literally! LOL

The best part? The money the families win go toward the child's college fund. Not only is it adorable and hilarious watching the little children in the playroom trying to complete the challenges (such as stacking cookies, knocking over certain colored block towers, or kicking a ball into a goal), but I can't think of a better way to use the money they win.

Of course, my family made fun of me--good naturedly--at the fact that I was enthralled with the show at dinner. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a cute baby. What they don't know is I just found it on the cable Free On Demand channel. I kind of just watched another episode all by myself. I'm not ashamed!!!