Somewhat annoyed, somewhat nervous

Annoyed: The ob called today because apparently when I had my ultrasound last, the baby was measuring large...as in 95th percentile. Compared to the 77th he was in at the one 4 weeks before. They asked if the ultrasound people had mentioned that they wanted to do ANOTHER ultrasound. Um, no, in fact they hadn't even mentioned that he was measuring large. This also happened at the earlier ultrasound re: my low placenta and the possibility of pelvic rest.

It's frustrating to either get part if the information or none of it and then find out later. I spent an entire month on self-enforced pelvic rest because I was worried about hurting me or the baby before finding out it moved. Granted they were not able to predict that it would move, but the least they could have done was say whether pelvic rest was necessary or not. I had to get the wishy-washy warning from the doctor. Now I get a phone call a more than a week later "oh, they didn't tell you your baby grew 22% more than expected in 4 weeks?"



Nervous: I've been fretting about this all day since I got the call. I haven't gained an exorbitant amount of weight and the doctor measured me at the last visit and said everything looked fine, so where is this extra size coming from?

I'm concerned his increased size could be from gestational diabetes. I haven't gone for my blood glucose test yet--I planned to next week. Diabetes runs in my family on both sides, so it is likely I may be at a higher risk. Though, I looked up the diet I may get put on if I do have it...it's basically the same diet I follow now. :/

Also, I'm nervous about the cost of the ultrasounds that I'm getting. I like seeing my little baby Jonas, don't get me wrong. But money is tight and this being my first baby, I don't know what is necessary and what isn't. I don't want to have to spend money on something that I don't need.

24 weeks and counting

I had my third ultrasound on Thursday. The first was at 6 weeks to determine how far along I was, since I had no stinking clue. The second was the typical one at 20 weeks. They weren't able to get a great look at his spine that time, so they wanted to give it another shot. They had also told me I had a low placenta, and they wanted to check on that as well. I didn't think anything of the low placenta thing until I went to the doctor the next day. He asked me if they had mentioned anything about pelvic rest. Uh, no? So I went home and checked about low placenta and pelvic rest. I had thought when they said low placenta they meant, like, volume wise. Apparently it means geographically. If you have a low placenta it can either partially or fully cover the cervix, which can cause complications in a vaginal birth, so a lot of times they do a c-section. I didn't have any problems with that, but it was the pelvic rest that kind of worried me. When they put you on pelvic rest from the low placenta, it has a very specific purpose. I'll let you look it up in case you're not familiar with it. But, needless to say I was none too happy. While the ultrasound people hadn't recommended that I go on pelvic rest, and the doctor just mentioned that I should let them know if I have any related symptoms, I was concerned about the possibility of causing early labor with certain activities. So, at my 24 week ultrasound they were able to confirm that the placenta had moved and it wasn't low anymore. Thank. God. They also were able to get images of his spine, though I don't know if it was any easier this time than last--the tech specifically mentioned that he was moving a lot and she had to move fast. Wand-click; wand-click; wand-click. It seems like he is always moving. I wonder if this is an indication of things to come post-birth. Whew!

I had my 24 week appointment at the doctor on Friday. They hadn't gotten the results of the ultrasound yet for some reason, but I had several questions that they were able to answer. I'd been starting to get short of breath from sitting. I had a feeling it was just from less real estate for my organs, but I wanted to double check. Sure enough, that's pretty much it. He did say if I was gasping for air or had chest pains when breathing, that I shouldn't ignore it. Luckily, it's nothing like that. I had also gotten an appointment reminder card in the mail for my annual wellness exam. I didn't know if I still needed to do that since I was pregnant and/or coming in anyway. I figured if I did, it might be possible to piggy back appointments. But, he was actually surprised that I had gotten the reminder card and said I didn't need to do the annual exam. That's a relief! Additionally, I had been kicking around the thought of prenatal massage and several of the places I was looking at were requiring a prescription or prenatal care notice from the doctor. I brought this up to him and he was incredibly supportive of the idea. I got my prenatal care notice so I can get something schedule. It probably won't be until after the first of the year, because things are tight financially for us and I may just use some Christmas money to cover it. But, at least I know it's something that my doctor has given his stamp of approval on.

I also asked about how I'm doing in the weight-gain department. I have thus far gained 18 pounds. I was trying to keep it under 25, but I don't know if that will happen. It's hard when I had *just* lost 26 pounds. From what I had read, if you were already overweight, which I was (but working on), 25 pounds was the top end of what you were recommended to gain. The doctor said 18 pounds was pretty normal and he said as long as I keep it somewhere around 30 pounds I should be ok. I think I can handle that. He also asked if I felt like I was eating everything in sight. I really don't. I actually don't always have the appetite I feel like I should have. It's not unusual for me to not finish my food anymore. I asked Ben if he felt like I was eating everything in sight, wondering if I just had rose-colored glasses on in terms of my own interpretation. He agreed with me that I haven't been. I also don't feel like I'm gaining excess weight; in fact, many people have commented that I am all baby-belly.

The other thing that got established at the doctor's appointment is that I'm at the point where I need to do the gestational diabetes check. Wheeeee. In a couple weeks I have to go, chug a super-sugar drink and then get my blood drawn an hour later to test my blood sugar. That should be tons of fun. Also, starting with the next appointment, I'm going to be seeing the doctor every 2 weeks rather than the 4 week interval I've been keeping for the last 18 weeks. It's crazy that things are progressing so quickly...but I know it's not quickly at all, it's perfectly routine. The days haven't passed any faster, the weeks haven't been shorter and there hasn't been any distortion to the space-time continuum. It just does not seem like it was that long ago that I took my positive pregnancy test. Before I know it, April and little Baby Jonas will be here. Two weeks from this Tuesday will be 90 days until my due date. I can hardly believe it.

Lots of new stuff!

There has been so much I've experienced in the last several weeks. First, I started feeling the baby moving about six weeks ago. At first it was hard to tell, and I wasn't 100% sure it was even the baby, but it was different enough from anything else I'd experienced. In the last 3 weeks or so it has gotten much more prominent. We felt him from the outside at 20 weeks and now at 23 weeks, he has started moving things propped on my belly (book, iPad, etc) as he kicks. It is really neat! Though, it seems every time I try to have Ben feel his stronger movement, little Jonas takes a break. :( I'm hoping once the kicks become more visible, that will happen less.

Second, we are starting to get wonderful hand me downs from friends who no longer need their baby stuff. It is so much fun going through the toys and clothes and bibs and tiny socks! I'm sure it won't be fun for long, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. Thank you to everyone who has given us the beginnings of what we'll need for baby Jonas!

Third, we had the ultrasound (obviously, since we already revealed the gender) and it was really cool. I saw his little feet--my favorite image we left with, his brain, his arms and legs waving around like a turtle on his back, and of course his penis. Yes, I said it. That's what it is; I don't want my son to think it is something to be ashamed of. We found out he was 14oz at the time (which puts him somewhere around a pound and a half now, if not more) and in the 77th percentile for size.

Fourth, my tummy has finally started to look like a pregnant tummy and not just a pudge. It's about time! Though, I have had people tell me I'm all tummy and don't look like I've gained extra weight on other parts of my body, which mostly makes me feel good. On the one hand, I don't want to go all Violet Beauregard, but on the other hand, I also don't want to not have enough nutrients for the baby. I think I'm doing ok in both respects, though.

Lastly, I am all about the creature comforts for this pregnancy. I bought a pregnancy pillow (thanks again, Scott!) to help me sleep and my resulting back pain; I have it on good authority that I'm getting a pregnancy belt for Christmas; I plan to ask about prenatal massage at my next doctor appointment, and I have been drinking grapefruit juice like it's going out of style. And I've been fairly fortunate with finding good maternity clothes. I have a couple pairs of pants and a shirt or two that aren't entirely comfortable, but for the most part they are cute and flattering!

Only a little over four weeks until the third trimester! Time flies when you're having a baby! :)

Baby Mumfy is...

...a boy! We plan to name him Jonas Michael (Michael after Ben's father and Jonas because, well, we like the name). He will have my initials, which was deliberate. :)

More to come on various topics when I'm not half into dreamland.

Sex of the baby poll

Is Baby Mumfy a boy or a girl?

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Girl

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Dear baby... (4)

Dear baby,

I have been shamefully putting off writing to you since I found out you were on your way. I was scared that if I wrote you directly, that it would somehow jinx everything and you wouldn't be real anymore. Heck, even the pregnancy journal I was so anxious to start keeping didn't even have writing in it until after the first trimester. I wrote everything on index cards each week and then transferred it all over. I guess I still have some jadedness to overcome.

Enough about me. You are here and you are a little being growing in my belly! We have dubbed you "Baby Mumfy." You can thank my friend Nicole for that one. :) We have the 16 week appointment tomorrow and I'm hoping we'll be able to schedule the 20 week ultrasound then. I'm also hoping your dad will be able to hear your heartbeat for the first time. I can't wait to share that with him! It will probably be at the 20 week ultrasound when we find out whether you are a boy or a girl. Ideally, we'll find out right before Thanksgiving and can share the news with family at the celebrations.

The last time we had an ultrasound, you were just a little blip on the screen. It will be neat to see your little body and watch you move around. I think I've been feeling you a little recently, but it's hard to say for sure. I look forward to being sure that I feel you as you dance around. Just be nice to your neighbors: my bladder and stomach and spleen. :)

So, Baby Mumfy, welcome to my tummy, your residence for the next 5 months or so. I will do my best to give you a good home as you grow and develop there and in exchange I'd like you to be my adorable little baby when your lease is up. I think you can handle that!

Top 5 of the First Trimester

It's hard to describe what the first trimester was like for me, so I'm going to try to sum it up in 5 adjectives, in no particular order (you can probably figure out what the order is, lol).

1. Exhausting
Physically exhausting? YES! Mentally exhausting? YES! I was tired all the time and was regularly going to bed around 9-10p. That may not seem that bad, but I was used to going to bed around 11p-12a. Even on days when I wanted to stay up later, my body was functional and upright (mostly), but I was a zombie. It was not pretty. Also, for the majority of the first trimester, we were keeping it under wraps. It was extremely hard and mentally draining to go about my day around people who didn't know as if things were just fine. I did give some indication that I wasn't operating at 100%, but I couldn't go into detail or really explain just how <100% I was. Pretending to be at around 85-90% when you're really at 60-65% is so incredibly exhausting. When we finally made it public, my exhaustion level actually got better because I didn't have to pretend anymore. How crazy is that?

2. Surreal
I've said it before here on the blog that it was really tough convincing myself I was actually pregnant for a long time. I don't know how to adequately describe it. It just didn't seem like it was really happening to me. Even now, I still have surreal moments, like being pregnant is something that happens to other people and I just see it, I'm not really experiencing it. It's hard to apply what I've seen from others to myself. I'm hoping as I start to show more and feel the baby move that it will solidify to me.

3. Uncomfortable
Oh, man was it uncomfortable! I was nauseous almost constantly unless I snacked every hour or two. Sometimes I just wished I could get sick and feel better. Beyond that, at about week 11 I felt like I was being stabbed in my left side. Well, to be fair, it started out feeling twingy like I slept in a bad position, then the next day like I had run too far and too long and I had a stitch in my side, then the third day is when it was stabby-stabby. I called the doctor and they said it was the round ligaments stretching. Stuff was getting bigger, yo! Luckily it was just that one day and then it went back to the stitch, and then to the twingy. The icing on the cake was the last week of the first trimester I got hit with one of the worst colds I can remember. I was literally knocked on my back. I couldn't take anything for it (though we ended up contacting the doctor and he suggested Sudafed, which really didn't help a whole lot, really), I was getting sick from the sinus drainage and coughing every other breath. I still have a stuffy nose almost a month later, and I'm still at times getting sick from the drainage.

4. Overwhelming
There are so many things to think about and be aware of and plan for. Ben is still struggling to find a job. We've had to get creative in our finances, both in terms of cutting things down/out of our budget, but also in figuring out how to keep our bills paid when the savings has been drained. We have been fortunate in that there have been options available to us, but it continues to be something that overwhelms us daily. We have a plan for the nursery and such, but we're in a holding pattern until we can get other things straightened out. I had a minor freak out the other day about needing to sign up for birthing classes...until I realized that I probably had several months before that needed to be something on my mind. There have been numerous conversations, from genetic testing to natural birth vs. epidural to godparents to whether we'll circumcise if it's a boy. And I know we've barely scratched the surface.

5. Exciting
It was crazy how fast it went, honestly. The first few weeks went by so slowly, but being here at 15 weeks now and knowing that ten weeks ago was when we found out...it does not seem like it has been that long. Each new experience, each trial and tribulation, each milestone we reach has been incredibly exciting. I feel blessed to be journeying through motherhood and sharing the journey with Ben.

Surreal...

Third of several posts that remained hidden until the pregnancy was announced. This was written three weeks after the pregnancy was confirmed.

I feel it's important to share this, because I got so much comfort reading other people's experiences with the same thing.

I don't feel pregnant. It is incredibly surreal. I'm having pretty minor symptoms--I'm tired all the time; my chest hurts only slightly (and only in the last couple of days); when I'm hungry, I'm starving, and when I'm starving, I'm nauseous and when I'm not starving/nauseous, I have indigestion. That's pretty much it. I'm not throwing up or peeing all the time and even though I'm three weeks past the positive pregnancy test and eight weeks along tomorrow, I would not have expected my next cycle for another couple of days. I just feel like all the things I'm feeling and the symptoms I'm having aren't enough to say "Yup, I'm pregnant!"

I kept the appointment we had made to discuss fertility options because I was terrified it wasn't real. Even though they confirmed with a test at that appointment--in addition to a second test I took the day after the first one just in case it was a false positive--and I've had an ultrasound since then, it still feels like I'm pretending that I'm pregnant. I'm avoiding the foods and stuff I'm supposed to (sometimes I forget, like two days after the positive test and the day before I had the appointment when I took a motion sickness pill before a car trip and had a freakout moment; sometimes I don't realize I'm supposed to avoid it, like feta cheese), but again it just feels like I'm pretending.

I really thought the ultrasound would help, but even though they put the word "baby" next to the dollop of abstractness I saw on the screen that blinked like Tinkerbell, it still didn't seem real. I carry the printout around with me and look at it every once in a while to remind myself that I do have something growing inside me. Sometimes it helps. Because it still feels surreal, I'm having trouble connecting to the baby. I feel protective of it and I can't wait to go through the next 32 weeks and beyond, but it's so hard to bond with a baby I am having trouble believing exists.

I've talked with other people I know who have been recently pregnant, as well as looking to the internet for strangers who shared their similar experiences, and it has been a relief to know other people have felt this way. So, I wanted to add my voice to the chorus of friends and strangers that someone else may be turning to. You're not alone and you're not crazy.

Spreading the news

Second of several posts that remained hidden until the pregnancy was announced. This was written three weeks after it was confirmed that I was pregnant.

When you know you're pregnant and no one else does, it is excruciating. I found out three weeks ago and these three weeks have dragged beyond belief. We decided to wait to tell people for two reasons: first, my siblings' weddings are at the beginning of September and we didn't want to steal their rightly-earned thunder; second, the end of September marks the end of my first trimester, and we wanted to wait until the chance of miscarriage was lesser.

That's not to say that we didn't tell a few people. Well, few is not entirely accurate. Like I said, it's excruciating. We told our immediate families, of course. That we did right away. We also told close friends. The problem is we kept thinking of more close friends to tell. So, now while those who DO know don't outnumber those who don't know, there's still more than just a few. My hairdresser also knows, as does the cashier at my dad's favorite restaurant (she noticed me having indigestion and asked if the food was ok. I wanted to make sure she didn't think they had given me food poisoning, so I explained why). It is easier to tell strangers, honestly. Strangers you won't see again and the two reasons above to keep it quiet aren't an issue. It's a good happy medium between not telling anyone and telling the whole world.

Then there are the instances where you are stunned. My sister, her fiance and I were waiting for a flea market to open and a lady standing there with us asked me if we were going to be looking at baby items. After the split second it took me to have 9,000 questions run through my head (am I showing that much? does she have some pregnancy-radar? did my sister say something? is it a coincidence? does she think I'm someone else?), I just said "Not today..." I was at a center yesterday when the staff I was working with insisted on getting me a chair...because I was pregnant. She said that to me. Again, with the 9,000 questions. This time I didn't have as cogent of a response. I said "Um, what?" She explained that someone had told her the person who'd be working with her was pregnant. I asked who had told her that. She said her director. I clarified that she was probably thinking of a coworker of mine who had just given birth. But, I remember how badly people felt when they incorrectly assumed my extra tummy weight was a pregnancy (and sometimes I didn't have pity on them), so I shared that I was, in fact, pregnant but that it wasn't common knowledge and I was trying to figure out how she had known. I made sure to explain our reasons for not telling everyone and asked her and her director to keep my secret.

I wish I could tell people. Every time we decide to share it with someone else, I feel an incredible amount of joy. Sometimes we just come out and say it. Other times we do funny/cute things. For one friend, I tried to video tape her reaction to a picture of the positive pregnancy test. Her hand was over my phone's camera the whole time. At least you could hear her! Another friend asked how my (presumed infertility) doctor's appointment had gone. I walked him through the blood tests and the 2 urine tests in 40 minutes and then said that when the test results came back we'd know how far along I am. It took him a second, but he processed it and figured it out. For a friend of Ben's, we had planned on going to his wife's birthday party, but with our finances tight it wasn't going to work. We called to let them know and apologize and decided to share the news with them. When Ben had called, he asked to talk to both he and his wife. He explained that we were sorry we couldn't make it, but with money being tight and Janine being pregnant, we couldn't justify the trip. It was another second before it registered with them and I could hear the happy shouts through the phone.

I try to be respectful of those who I know have had difficulty like I did (some even more so). I know how I felt when I would find out people were pregnant, and I don't like being the person who may bring that feeling to them. If you're one of those people, I truly apologize for the pain and jealousy and resentment you feel. I wish there was something I could do for you, or some fool-proof advice I can give. All I can do is continue to try to be respectful of your feelings--acknowledge their validity, keep the pregnancy and baby-related talk to a minimum and always be willing to listen if you want to talk. Know that I will endeavor to do all those things, because I know what it's like and being pregnant now doesn't mean I'm no longer empathetic.

What I did today...

First of several posts that remained hidden until the pregnancy was announced. This was written the day I took the first positive pregnancy test on August 4th, 2013.

This morning I was stressed about Ben not having a job. We had an argument, but it didn't last long. I told him I was scared, and he said he felt the same, but that we would figure it out together.

I looked for jobs for him. There were a couple prospects, but mostly I researched substitute teaching jobs for him so that we'll have something at least to pay the bills for a while. I hope something pans out.

I ordered Wing Zone for lunch. I like Wing Zone, but Ben's not crazy about it. He got BW3 instead. He always gets the parmesan garlic wings that gives him the most horrible breath!

I worked on my beading a little. I was going to start on wine glass charms, but I realized the wire I had was too thin, so I'll need to pick up some heavier gauge wire. So, I started on ornaments instead. They're coming out nicely, I think. I don't know if they'll sell very well, but it's worth a shot.

Then, Ben helped me paint some leggings for a GenCon costume. It didn't turn out the way I'd like them to, but I think it will be ok.

I asked Ben to cook dinner and he was fine with that. We tried a new sauce with a packet of red beans and rice that we like. I thought the sauce was ok, but not as good as the sauce we usually have with it. I was very appreciative that he cooked, though! I told him one of the best smells in the world was food that someone else cooks. :) I also had the last of the leftovers from when I made my mom's soup earlier this week when Ben was taking the Bar.

I searched for pictures of hairstyles for a haircut I'll be getting soon for my costume (just a little trim. I told Ben I wouldn't cut it drastically until after my siblings' weddings), as well as pictures of hairstyles to get an idea for how my sister wants her hair done for her wedding. I sent my sister a picture that I wanted her opinion on, and we talked back and forth about it and other options.

I watched the newest episode of Drop Dead Diva and Devious Maids and a friend and I texted each other about what took place in DDD. We're both disappointed that Jane and Owen don't seem to be getting back together.

I had bought a basal thermometer and two pregnancy tests from the pharmacy the other day. With our doctor's appointment coming up, I had a feeling they'll want me to start tracking my temperature. Plus, I wanted the tests ahead of time so that when I need them, they'll be here. I had a wonky period this past month and I've been kind of crampy for a couple of weeks. I knew these might be indicators of pregnancy, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. Just to make sure, I took the pregnancy test without telling Ben.

And it was POSITIVE!! I was brushing my hair waiting for it to come through and I happened to look down and see that it said "Pregnant." (I always get the digital ones. I know they're more expensive, but I'd rather have a definitive answer than something I have to interpret.) It took me a second to register that there wasn't a "Not" in front of the "Pregnant." I started shaking and ran (literally ran) outside to the car where I had left a picture frame that said "Dad" on it. I bought it the month I was late and I've kept it in my car so Ben wouldn't see it.

I ran back inside and knocked on Ben's office door. I asked what he was doing, and he said "Why?" I said "What are you doing? Tell me what you're doing." I'm sure it reminded him of the Coca Cola incident when we were first dating, but he humored me and said that he was watching a show. I asked him if he could pause it for a couple of minutes so I could give him something. I handed him the picture frame. He looked at it for a few seconds, then looked at me and said "Are you pregnant??" I started crying and nodded, then went back into the bathroom to get the test and show him. I was still crying as he looked at the test, but I was able to say "Take a picture!!" and we both got our phones and took several pictures of the positive pregnancy test.

The next thing he said was "I need to get a job!" and I couldn't agree more. We are both so happy. We're going to keep the appointment this week with the doctor, and maybe he can take a blood test to confirm. This post will probably be posted several days, weeks or months from now, but I wanted to make sure it was all written down before I forgot about the day I found out I was pregnant. :)

Mixed feelings

Even though a baby will be no less than a blessing, I have mixed feelings. We're having trouble with finances since Ben hasn't been able to find a job. I've been saving as much as I could spare from my paychecks since February, anticipating this scenario, but it is becoming clear it wasn't enough. I know they say that you can't wait until the "right" time to have a baby, because it will never be the "right" time, but this just seems like the wrong time.

Hopefully Ben can find a job soon, either in his field (ideally) or in something unrelated (realistically, at least for the time being) and maybe that will create a better situation to potentially bring another person into. I feel like it is selfish to want a baby now when I'm worried about how we'll support the two of us. But, I also don't want to dismiss all the effort we've put into the last year of trying. We're looking at budget options and have already made changes that will ease things a little. We make too much just on my salary to be eligible for government assistance, even if I had a baby in my arms right this second (not that I would want to, but I'm not too proud to do it if it meant being able to feed and clothe my child). We just have to keep trying to do the best we can with what we've got until things change.

Life is never easy, is it?

Comfort

I'm going to cross-post this on my Ovarian Cancer Awareness blog.

I had my doctor's appointment this week. They were as helpful as they could be, I suppose. They drew some blood and made me pee twice in forty minutes (the first one got dumped and they didn't consider that they'd need it again). They told me to call back to get some of the test results back.

That time until I could call was both long and short. I was very impatient. But, work kept me busy and a friend even had to remind me to call because of that. The first time I called, I got their voicemail greeting. I didn't want to leave a message, so I figured I'd call back in a few minutes. The second time, someone answered. I gave her my name and why I was calling and she checked my file. They didn't have the results in the file yet, so she needed to find someone who had the paper results and she put me on hold.

The hold music wasn't bad. The first song was a Maroon 5 song...Love Somebody, I think. It ended pretty quickly, as it had been almost over. The next song started and my phone was cutting in and out, but I heard two notes and knew exactly what song it was. I waited until I could hear it completely to say for sure, but I was right. It was the song that reminds me of my mother, I Hope You Dance. It had come out when my mom was dying and I had bought the cassette tape and played it for her. It's not the only song that reminds me of her--there are a couple Christian songs that she loved and the song that she danced to with my dad at their wedding also remind me of her. I've heard one of the Christian songs playing when I needed the reminder, but this is the song that has shown up the most when I needed the reminder. I knew she was with me.

The woman came back on the phone and gave me the test results, which were quite positive, and that means we can move forward. I have a follow-up appointment at the end of the month. Fingers crossed!

Dear baby... (3)

It's been a rough couple of months for me, baby. I kept wanting to write you again, but couldn't find anything worth saying. Even now, I'm digging deep to come up with today's letter.

I don't want to be overprotective, and I'm going to keep a close watch because I might tend that way. I know many parents say that they want better for their children than they had. I don't. I had a pretty good childhood. Sure, my mom and I had our issues, and some of them I understand now and some I realize won't work for me as a parent. My parents didn't discuss finances in depth with us, yet instilled the value of fiscal responsibility through their practices. My parents tried their best not to fight in front of us, and we knew what it meant when they went into their room and shut the door. They always came out with a unified front, no matter what they each may have gone in with. My parents gave me a solid foundation to grow from. In fact, I've said before when reflecting on my teenage years that I wasn't so much rebelling against my parents as I was *rappelling* from them. I knew what the values were that they helped cultivate in our family and that kept me anchored. Did I push the limits? Yes, but I always knew that I was still tethered and could safely explore the boundaries, even if it meant there were consequences if I pushed them too far. That's what I want to provide to you, baby, one of the many things.

Other things that I want to teach you, give you, help you learn and understand, guide you and offer you include...

...compassion
...trust
...self-reliance
...open-mindedness
...responsibility
...integrity
...diplomacy
...humility
...critical thinking
...creativity
...flexibility
...respect
...perseverance
...empathy
...loyalty
...charity
...patience
...conviction
...curiousity


This is such a very short list of everything I will have twenty-two short years (plus or minus some) to nurture with you. Let's get started, shall we? I'll wait until you're ready. :)

The more things change, the more they stay the same...

Just when I was getting used to how my body had changed off of birth control, it goes and spits in my face. "How dare you?" it says to me. "You think you know me? You don't know me." I imagine it as a trashy woman from Jerry Springer. It has truly made these last 13 months a more difficult process. At first I was really happy because I used to be in so much physical pain. Now, I would gladly take the pain back if it meant I was predictable, or even pregnant.

I'm glad I wrote the blog about my going through the 5 stages of grief. I can re-read it and remind myself that how I'm feeling is something I have felt many times before and I'm not broken. The coming weeks until the doctor's appointment are going to be hell.

I don't know what I'm going to do when I actually do get pregnant. I don't think I'll believe it. I'm so used to not being pregnant that it wouldn't seem real. I'd probably be in denial for several days, if not weeks. I wouldn't want to get my hopes up completely. It's really sad that I'm so jaded. I don't want to be, but when all I've known is disappointment, I think it will be hard to accept success outright. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

The next step

Well, it's done. After a week and a half of forgetting to call until the office was closed, I was able to schedule an appointment (after the Bar) to talk to the doctor about our inabilities thus far to conceive. That was a hard call to make--not because I felt like I was admitting defeat or was ashamed, but because I didn't really know how to handle the call. What I ended up saying to the person who answered the phone was that I wanted to make an appointment and that we'd been trying to conceive for over a year and wanted to speak to the doctor about it. Once the appointment was made, I asked if I would need to attend by myself or if Ben could/should attend as well. She said it was up to me. I've told Ben that I'd like it if he went with me, but I'd understand if he couldn't (I'd much prefer he go to an interview, for instance).

Now that that's taken care of, I'm not entirely sure what to expect. This is where all those people who offered listening ears and advice come in. Until now, I was doing ok on my own and with Ben. But, now I have no clue what's going to come next. Any and all advice you could give would be appreciated, whether that's helping me be prepared for what they'll talk to us about or sharing your decision making process when you went down a similar road. I know several friends who have chosen different options-- fertility treatments, hormone therapy (are those the same thing?? See I don't know! Lol), IVF, adoption, etc-- each with their levels of success. I am very open at this point to hear your pros/cons, experiences, determining factors, what have you. I may not be in the same situation exactly, but it will all help me figure out what our best course of action is for our specific situation.

So, bring it on! I need all the help I can get! :)

What to say...

I don't know what to say. I know I want to say something, but it's hard to put it into words. I have a jumble of emotions in my soul that all beg for equal attention. I was three days late this month. It's took me more days than I prefer to say it out loud to anyone other than Ben. For three days we allowed ourselves the chance to believe that we were pregnant. And then reality came like a guillotine.

I was reading something about infertility recently...breaking my own rule, I know. The author said that they believe that people who struggle with infertility go through the five stages of grief. It stopped me in my tracks. I realized that every month, I do. I'm so sorry to everyone that has come in contact with me during that period of time. I know I'm not pleasant to be around when I'm dealing with my own demons.

So what does it look like, for me at least? I'll give you a glimpse.

Stage 1: Denial--Usually days 1-3 "Maybe it's just implantation bleeding. It could be, right? It really does happen, so it's reasonable it'd happen to me. Right? I'm going to take these two pregnancy tests just to make sure."

Stage 2: Anger--This month it was in tandem with Stage 1, but usually on days 3-5 "Why isn't it working? What am I doing wrong? How are teenagers and deadbeats and teenage deadbeats getting pregnant and not me? I can't look at babies or pregnant women without feeling jealous. I hate this."

Stage 3: Bargaining--Usually days 5-7 "I'd rather be pregnant than lose all the weight that I've lost. I'd rather have a baby than have full nights' sleep. I'd rather have a baby than have a landscaper (our lawn mower broke). What do I need to do to make it happen? Prenatal vitamins? Done! Sweet Potatoes? Done! Stand on my head? Done! Can I have a baby now?"

Stage 4: Depression--Usually days 1-13 "Nothing I/we do is working. Maybe it's not meant to be. I don't know if I can go through this again. Why do I do this to myself? I might as well just give up trying. It's never going to happen."

Stage 5: Acceptance--Usually day 14 or so, sometimes earlier "Dear God, I need all the strength I can get. I know you have a plan, so here we go again. Another month, another opportunity to keep trying!"



I was angry for the entire day when reality showed up--angry at myself for getting my hopes up, angry at my life for taking so long to be ready to try for a baby, angry at my body for not actually being pregnant but making me think for a very long three days that I was, angry at everyone and no one at the same time. Most of the time, the anger is coupled with sadness. But this time the anger was too overwhelming. I'm still angry thinking about it, but now I'm more sad than anything. Talk to me again in two weeks and I should be fine again.

I think I've gone off the deep end...

I may have officially gone off the deep end. Ben and I were in a bookstore earlier this week and as I wandered around while he thumbed through some omnibi, I found myself in the "Family and Child Care" section. There were the usual What to Expect books and baby name dictionaries, and a bunch of other books, magazines and journals all revolving around having a baby. I wasn't wistful or bitter.

Here we are a full year into trying to conceive and I feel almost as hopeful as I did when we first started. Maybe I've just used up all my anxiety, or maybe I'm just optimistic that this will be our month after all, or maybe (the most likely scenario, IMO) I'm ready to make my appointment to see the doctor and find out what our options are. There's a calming sense when you know there are possibilities within your reach. I know that it will still be another month before we'll have the appointment, but I'm planning on making the call to the doctor in the next couple of weeks so that we can get in as early in August as possible. Maybe the day after the bar exam? Hahaha, just kidding! You can breathe again now, Ben. ;)

So I'm standing there staring at these books and magazines and journals. I was drawn to the pregnancy journals in a way I've never been before. In fact, as I picked them up one by one--looking at their structure and their content and weighing their merits against each other--I was was reminded of when I was planning my wedding. What you may not realize is I was planning my wedding before I was engaged, which is saying a lot since I was the one keeping our relationship at a slow pace. But, what I told Ben at the time is that if it was just the wedding, I'd get married in an instant. I needed to be ready to be married, too. That didn't stop me from dreaming about what my dress would look like and frequenting the wedding sections of bookstores looking at books on centerpieces and planning calendars.

Anyway, I digress. I felt a parallel between looking at wedding resources without a fiancé and looking at pregnancy books without a baby. And this is where I went off the deep end. I decided to buy one of the pregnancy journals. I want to not only be ready to be pregnant but also ready to have a baby. No, I may not have a baby, but I will. When I do, I will have this journal to stick ultrasounds in and pictures of my growing belly. Or, we'll adopt and I'll Frankenstein it to fit my needs. I really wanted one where both parents could journal together, but there weren't any there. I even did a search later and there doesn't seem to be any that I can find. I guess the pregnancy journal world hasn't quite caught up yet that having a baby might be a joint effort.

I chose one that had watercolor drawings of the fruits and vegetables the baby will resemble in size and pages with prompts about feelings and experiences as well as blank pages where I can just write whatever I want. Don't worry, I'll still keep this blog. This has been a way for me to keep ahead of my feelings so I don't lose track of myself, and I will need that. I held the book, cover facing me, and went to find Ben. As I walked down the aisle toward him, I began smiling bigger and bigger, even past the point of silly grin, making him suspicious of what book I had. I finally turned the book around so he could see and he laughed, rolled his eyes affectionately as he is wont to do when I go all baby crazy (as I am at times wont to do) and kissed me on my forehead. Ok, so maybe I am actually a little optimistic that this month will be our month. Maybe we both are. Aren't I always? I have to be. My optimism is what keeps me from drowning over here in the deep end. It's been such a roller coaster of a year and regardless of what this month will bring, it will be the beginning of a new phase in our lives and I don't know a better reason to be optimistic.

Uplifting

It's been an uplifting couple of days. Yesterday, a coworker I don't interact with much was talking to me about how she wants to adopt a little girl. She asked if I wanted children. I realized that she didn't know about us having tried for a year now. Oddly enough, I was ok with her question of whether I wanted children and not the question I've been plagued with (that I've talked about before) of when am I going to have children. There was an implication that it was ok if I didn't want children, and not an implication that I'm late to my own baby-having party.

Today, while talking to a teacher in a school-age classroom, she shared with me that she and her husband were trying for a baby. I told her that I knew how she felt, as we had been trying as well. I wished her good luck, as I could related to how hard it was. She said that they had just started the process. I felt a connection with her as we go about our journey at different stages. I was the one with experience in this case. I don't wish that she struggles like I do. I also have to accept that she may get pregnant before I do. For now, we are on the same journey.

After work, I spent some time at the thrift stores. While I was looking for something completely different, I found some super-cute crib bedding. Ben and I, after much going-around, decided we wanted a literary themed nursery for when we get pregnant. Boy or girl, it works! I first saw the Paddington Bear bumper pad, but then found a crib duster and curtain to match. For some reason, buying baby things was almost therapeutic. I may not have a baby now, but planning for one was reassuring.

Unfortunately, after doing a bit of research, I've found that bumper pads are not recommended for use in babies' cribs by the American Academy of Pediatrics. That's all right! I literally spent $2 on it ($4 for all three pieces), so I'm not that concerned with finding alternative uses for it. Possibly a quilt? A diaper stacker? Wall hanging? Who knows, but for $2 I'm sure I'll get my money's worth. :)

It's been an uplifting couple of days. I'm ready for more. :)

Members of the family

Around two months ago, I wrote a blog about the possibility of us getting another dog, among other things. Well, here we are and our household has indeed grown. Unfortunately for me, it wasn't because of a dog.

Meet Captain Argyle Augustus MacDuff, the newest and felinest member of our family!

Argyle is a 4 month old dusty orange tabby. His birthday is our anniversary! He is super sweet and friendly. His paws are so big! He is going to be huge. He and our dog, Mayhem, get along so well! They play and cuddle together. I look forward to seeing him grow up.

I can't forget about my awesome dog! Mayhem just turned 7 in April. I've had her since she was 2 years old. She loves to be loved on and is the least Jack Russell-y Jack Russell I've ever met. LOL Her favorite treat is ice cubes and she actually enjoys wearing dog clothes! She is so spoiled.

I love all the members of our family. I look forward to when I can say that it includes a baby. :)

Dear baby... (2)

Dear baby,

You won't be joining us this month. While it is hard for me to accept, I must. As I've said before, amazing things take time and you are no exception. Your dad held me yesterday as I wept into his shirt and told me that we were getting all the bad batches out of our system first before we could have an amazing baby. Ok, he used another word other than bad, but it's not a word I want your little ears to hear, so I picked a synonym.

I think I'll tell you about your dad this time. Here are some things to know about him.

-He is a very, very good man. You are very lucky to have a dad like him, and I am lucky to have a husband like him. He will help you grow up to be a good person and a good citizen...the latter probably better than me. ;)

-I'm proud that he is an Eagle Scout. There have been some issues lately around the BSA that have created a not-so-nice view of the scouts. I hope that by the time you are here and will be participating in some form of scouting, that a more welcoming policy has been put in place. Regardless, the scouting movement, apart from its beaurocratic parent organization, stands for loyalty, bravery, kindness and reverence, among others. All of those things are good qualities to have or strive for. He is also a Minisino (one day maybe your Uncle Luke or your dad could explain what that is) and Order of the Arrow brotherhood (which your Grandpa Mike can explain as well).

-He is a talented storyteller. He loves to captivate his audience as he entertains them with his words. He is able to think of ways to describe things that are simple to understand, yet capture his point well. Many times it includes humor. This will be a benefit in his law career. Right now we don't know how that will turn out, but we are hopeful it will be a good process and outcome. It will also be a benefit as a parent. I can't wait to hear him tell you stories.

-He is very close with his family. He and his brother, your Uncle Matt, have a wonderful relationship, even though they are 15 years apart. Your Aunt Emily is very special to him, too, and they enjoy poking fun at each other. His relationship with his parents is one that he cherishes. He can talk to your Grandma Dana about nearly anything and he has so much in common with your Grandpa Mike.

-He is a nerd. He loves to play games like D&D, Dark Heresy, L5R, Minecraft and Fable. In fact, he plays some of these games with me, his family, your Grandpa Bruce and Uncle Luke, and your Uncle Keith and Aunt Sara. Who knows what games will look like or be like when you are old enough to play and appreciate. Be thankful that you have your dad, because if it were up to me, electronics would be used at an absolute minimum. He will be the influence that keeps our parenting balanced.

-He and I both are very much looking forward to having you in our lives. He will do anything in his power for you. So, I don't know how many more bad batches we have to get out of our system before we have you, but it will be worth it.

Several thoughts and a song

This is going to be a mix of several unrelated thoughts...none of them enough to warrant their own entry. I'm also including a song at the end that I wrote 3 years ago, before Ben and I were married, but when I was very much wanting children, and unsure of when we would be pursuing our goal of parenthood.

1. A friend was recently talking to me about some financial hardships he and his wife (and their son) have been facing. He said that he was looking at curses as blessings and explained why the hardships would help him in the long-run. It made me think of how I could look at the frustration I have with trying to conceive. If we had gotten pregnant right away, we would be facing bar exam with a baby, possibly without a job for Ben. Difficult. If we had gotten pregnant within the first few months, we would be facing bar prep/exam with an imminent delivery, possibly without a job for Ben. Also difficult. If we had gotten pregnant around the beginning of the year, we would be facing both of my siblings' weddings in September with an imminent delivery, possibly without a job for Ben or a very new job for Ben. Not desirable. If we get pregnant now(ish), there is a good chance Ben will have found a job, will have been there a few months, hopefully, and we might be in a better position to welcome a baby into our family.

2. I had a dream the other day. I dreamt that an acquaintance and I were riding in the back seat of a car together and the acquaintance was pregnant (she is not IRL). She was going on and on and on and on about the pregnancy and I ran out of patience. When she started talking about it again, I screamed "I hate you" at her. In the dream, I immediately felt badly (though it did make her stop talking about it) and apologized for yelling and saying that I hated her. I woke up shortly after that and felt even more badly. I don't feel hatred toward anyone who is pregnant. Jealousy? Of course, but not hatred. It disturbed me that my subconscious was putting those thoughts in my head.

3. I was looking at the app I use to keep track of my cycles. I also keep track of our attempts at conception, so that when we do get pregnant, we can be able to figure out when it took place. I've been keeping up with it pretty well since December. When Ben and I had our talk and said we (I) would stop doing so much to track/monitor stuff, this is the one thing I kept up. First, it's just good to know when to expect stuff. Second, it helps me remember things, like when things started going wonky and times we were more active than others. Every month since December there has been a time of inactivity at least 5 days long--except this month. I'm hopeful. I have to be.

4. If you're reading this and you've asked me (or someone else) this next question, know that I hold no ill will toward you, but I do want to express my feelings about the question and my internal reaction. Twice in the last week, I have been asked when Ben and I planned to start a family. Neither of the people who asked are people I would consider friends, but merely acquaintances or friends of friends. This is not an unusual occurrence. I want to use this medium to explain what goes through my head and the emotions attached.
Innocent questioner: "When are you guys going to have a baby of your own?"
Me, in my head: *weeps* I wish we had one already. We've been trying for several months now, not to mention the years I spent waiting to just be able to try. It's really hard, you know, seeing other people being pregnant, with babies, etc and having this difficulty.
*annoyed* First of all, why is it your business? I get that you're curious/making conversation/want us to, but frankly that is a very personal question. Second, what answer do you want? Do you want me to smile and say 'When God wants it to happen'? Do you want me to go into detail about how we've struggled month after month of failures? Do you want me to give you permission to contribute your unsolicited opinion/advice on the topic? Why don't you tell me about what you did that helped you be successful that I haven't already tried over and over?
*self-talk* Don't say anything sarcastic or nasty, Janine. Give them the benefit of the doubt. They don't mean anything by it. They probably don't realize what they've just asked. Just pull yourself together, don't cry, and act upbeat.
Me, out loud: "We've been trying for a while now. We're hoping next month will be our month."

Please think about the question you may feel inclined to ask and consider what might be going through my mind or the mind of another woman/man you would be asking. Those emotions don't go away easily. You have just reminded me again of the frustration around trying to conceive that I try to keep hidden and under control. I may carry it with me for hours or the rest of the day until I'm no longer preoccupied by it.

5. So, here is the song. Like I said, originally I had written it in September 2010, before I got married, which you'll see in the lyrics. I've updated it slightly to reflect more of my current situation.

One of these days, you say
you'll be a daddy.
One of these days, you say,
once you have your degree.
I know that's how
it really should be.
So I will wait for
one of these days.
One of these days, I say,
I'll be a mommy.
One of these days, I say,
when we settle down.
I know that I
have yet to wear
my wedding gown.
So I will wait for
one of these days.
I've done so much waiting already;
the years have gone in the blink of an eye.
It's getting harder to smile through the tears.
How long will it be until my tears can dry?
One of these days, they say,
we'll have a family.
One of these days, they say,
it's not too late.
I know that I
will continue to wait...
until it's finally one of these days.
But why can't today
be one of these days?
Yes, why can't today
be one of these days?
Please say that today
is one of these days.

What women want

Have you seen the movie "What Women Want" with Mel Gibson? Well, there is a character that is played by Judy Greer. Because Mel's character can hear what women think (that's not a spoiler, right? Lol), he has unique insight to what she is thinking, when to the rest of the office she's just the quiet file clerk. At one point, Mel's character tells Judy's character that she seems sad, and she responds "You could sense that?" It's a very minor part of the story, but one that I identified with today.

At least twice that I can remember specifically lately, possibly more because I've noticed a pattern now, people (both those who interact with me regularly and those who don't) have asked if I'm ok and mentioned that I seemed sad. Now, granted the one today was when I was trying to count handouts for a training, so I don't really know what her expectation for how I was supposed to look like was. But still the question was asked. I had the same reaction in my head that Judy's character had: "Can they really sense it?" I wondered if, to these people who are remarking on how I look sad, my genuine sadness over the struggle with conception is coming through. And if they are the people who are remarking on it, how many more people think it without saying anything? Is my sadness bleeding over into my everyday life and not just when I'm actively concerned with it?

I like to think that I've been pretty strong and have kept my frustrations and sadness from being public fairly well, unless I choose to share them publicly. It worries me that I may not be doing as good of a job at it as I think I am, and don't know if it's something that needs further attention. I do know that it's on my radar now and I can be more intentional about reflecting on/deciding whether I need to devote attention to it. Until then, I'll try not to look sad, because I really do have a ton to be happy about and just one thing to be sad about.

Dear baby...

Dear baby,

Hi, I'm your mom. Well, to be honest, I'm not your mom right this second. You aren't even a twinkle in my eye, so I'm not mom quite yet. But, I am ready to be! I thought this would be as good of a time as any to introduce myself. Here are some things about me that you may or may not learn over the many, many years we'll spend together.

-I love to dance. Your dad and I enjoy dancing together, whether it's spontaneously twirling me in the middle of the grocery store, pulling each other into a waltz in the kitchen or going to dance events. It's an activity we like sharing, and I hope it gets passed on to you!

-I also love to sing. Karaoke is a blast. I may not have the best voice, but I don't think I'm too bad, either. I look forward to singing you to sleep or belting out our favorite lyrics in the car.

-I'm pretty darn creative if I do say so myself. I don't know why...things just seem to come to me. A friend the other day told me that I was always thinking. It wasn't in a mean way, but a funny way. She was right! Maybe that's part of being creative is that my brain is always churning and thinking of new ways to do things.

-I'm also pretty logical and analytical. I really like looking at numbers, data, statistics and getting it to make sense, finding the patterns and applying it to my problems. I'm not as analytical as your Uncle Luke, but we can't all be perfect. :)

-I love to go to the thrift store. It is one of my most favorite things to do with your Aunt Sara. First of all, the clothes are inexpensive. Second of all, it's fun looking for a diamond in the rough, that awesome cashmere sweater or leather jacket that you can snatch up. Third of all, we like going into the fancy la-di-da dresses and finding the most hideous one. Going to the thrift store was something I enjoyed doing with my mom growing up, and I can't wait to have those adventures with you, too.

-I'm kind of crazy and goofy and silly. I also know when it's important to be structured and serious and responsible. You have to find a balance that will work for you. Life can't all be fun and games, but it can't all be boring and buttoned-up, either.

-I truly enjoy my job working with child care centers. We help so many programs do lots of good things for children just like you. It makes me so happy to be able to support those children and help their teachers do the best they can for them. I don't know if I will be working when you arrive, or if I am, if I will still be working at 4C. But, it's one of my passions right now.

-I was married before I met your dad. My husband's name was Bryan. We started dating when I was in high school and were together for four years before we got married. Our marriage lasted less than a year before we separated and soon got divorced. We were young when we got married. I was 22 and he was 23. That may not seem young to you, but it is when you're talking about knowing who you are and how who you are will fit with the other person. Neither one of us were prepared to be married. Bryan still had things he wanted to do for himself. I was relying on him a lot after my mom had died and didn't realize how much I was asking of him. It was not a good decision for us to get married when we did, but I wouldn't change it for the world. It made me the person I am today and the wife I am today. If I had not had that experience, it's possible your dad and I never would have met. There are a lot of people in the world who get married as young as I did, or younger, and have very successful marriages. I want you to have a successful marriage. The best advice I can give is to be secure and confident in yourself before you connect your life with someone else's. That doesn't have an age minimum associated with it, but it is a very abstract idea and one that is difficult to gauge at any age. I will be there if you need me to help you figure it out.

-Your dad and I love each other very much. I like to think we have a really good marriage. I hope that it is as strong when we have you as it is now, if not stronger. I know we will need to change in our relationship in order to be good parents for you, but I want to model a positive, loving home environment for you. We may show affection to each other. A lot. It's because we love each other so much and we want to express it. I'd rather embarrass you by being kissy-kissy with your dad than something scary, shameful or harmful.

-I love you very much. Like I said earlier, you're not even you yet, and I already love you. I can't imagine what my life is going to be like with you, but I'm sure as soon as you're here, I won't be able to imagine my life without you.

Sooooo cute!!

I promised this one would be a positive post, and I plan to keep that promise.

Last week, my family and I went out for dinner for my birthday and my brother's fiancee's birthday. As we ate, there was a TV the restaurant had playing and a show that I had never heard of came on...Bet on Your Baby. The title made me think "Whaaaatttt??" but the show is adorable!

Basically, there are "challenges" that a parent and a baby have to complete in a play room while the other parent stays on the stage and bets how successful they will be. Anyone who has been around babies/toddlers knows how unpredictable they can be, and the show cashes in on that, literally! LOL

The best part? The money the families win go toward the child's college fund. Not only is it adorable and hilarious watching the little children in the playroom trying to complete the challenges (such as stacking cookies, knocking over certain colored block towers, or kicking a ball into a goal), but I can't think of a better way to use the money they win.

Of course, my family made fun of me--good naturedly--at the fact that I was enthralled with the show at dinner. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a cute baby. What they don't know is I just found it on the cable Free On Demand channel. I kind of just watched another episode all by myself. I'm not ashamed!!!

Another year older

Hopefully not deeper in debt! :)

My birthday came last week. Not a huge milestone...30 was last year. I remember being in my 20s and wanting to have a baby by the time I was 30, at least one. Getting married to my first husband at 22 made that seem like a reasonable goal. Divorcing at 23 put a crimp in it, but I didn't think much of it, especially when I married again at 28. About halfway through 29, I accepted the fact that I wouldn't have a baby by 30. Now here I am at 31 and it's somewhat easier to accept that life doesn't always go the way you plan. I also know that it's now probable that I'll be 32 or older by the time we finally do have a baby. Ben is 2 1/2 years my junior, so it's possible that he will be a father before 30.

The hardest thing for me to accept is my comparison to my mother. I know I shouldn't. I do anyway. I am the oldest of my siblings. I was conceived two months after my parents' wedding and my mom was 29 when I was born. I always thought 29 was old to start a family. By the time my mom was 31, she had both me and my brother. By the time she was 48, she had passed away. It's extremely hard knowing all of this and being faced with month after disappointing month of trying to conceive.

I worry about how long I will have with my children. I have been proactive--in the last 5 years I've had 2 ultrasounds done on my ovaries (and uterus). Both have been normal, aside from one of my ovaries being located south of my uterus rather than north of it. One would think that if something were present on/in my uterus that would be the cause of this issue, it might be visible on the ultrasounds. The most recent one was shortly before Ben and I started actively trying for a baby. Sometimes I can't help feeling like I'm living on borrowed time and I ache at the thought that every day, month, year that I go without a child is one less day, month, year I'll have with them.

Sorry to bum you out. I'm sitting here crying as I type. I've had to go blow my nose once already. My next blog entry will be positive, I promise. Even if I feel compelled to write a tough one again, I will write a positive one first. I do have a lot to be thankful for. Bring it on, 31, I'm ready for you!

New doctor

Don't worry; I'm still with my same OBGYN, because he is awesome. The female OB there is awesome as well. There's a third doctor in their practice, but I don't like him so I pretend it's just the other two. Two out of three isn't bad. :)

No, I finally got around to getting a new GP. I had an issue that needed addressing in a timely fashion (trying hard not to give TMI. According to one of my strengthsfinder talents, Woo, I am as comfortable sharing with strangers as I am with best friends. So, while it doesn't bother me to talk about my health stuff, it may bother others). I started with a doctor that had been recommended to me. She was not accepting new patients. I was on my way out to the car headed to a visit for work, so I quickly jotted down a few numbers of nearby doctors to find one who could take me on. After three or four, I found one, and he was able to see me that same day.

Obviously, I had no prior knowledge of him or what kind of doctor he is. Boy, did I luck out. He was friendly, made social conversation about how long we had both been married, asked thoughtful questions and listened to my answers about not only what I had gone in for, but also my frustration with trying to conceive. We had a good discussion about how hard it is to go through this process, how deeply personal it is for me and Ben and what our options are in terms of solutions moving forward (if it's determined that solutions are needed). It was not a patient mill like I've experienced in the past, and the fact that he didn't interrupt me was a big plus--Lord knows that's one of my pet peeves anyway, much less when I'm trying to answer questions a doctor just asked.

Having a doctor listen and sympathize with my issues was heartening. He was also very candid and said that if there are concerns with myself or with Ben that many of them are easily dealt with. That was reassuring as well. Even more, he asked if Ben was eager for a baby as well. Seriously, so impressed.

So, three more months and if there's still no baby, I'll be open to the options available to us. :)

A shift in thinking

It's amazing how just the idea of having children can change how you start thinking about things.

For instance, Ben and I have been discussing getting another dog. Our dog has been with other dogs almost the whole time I've had her. We've noticed that she seems to be a little lonely since we started living by ourselves, and when other dogs come to visit she is happier. We had decided to wait until Ben had a job, so we would have extra money for a second pet. I had a thought the other day, though. If we wait until he has a job, which may be August or later, we may already be pregnant at that point (oh, Lord I hope so...) and would be faced with a new dog and shortly after a baby. The sooner we get another dog, the more time we have to get it acclimated. So, we're going to be looking at dogs to adopt soon.

Another shift in thinking was when we were buying a bed recently. We debated whether we would get another queen or get a king size instead. The things we considered were the space in our bedroom, the need of another mattress, and the possibility of little children finding their way there from bad dreams or fussy nights. We had all but settled on a king until we saw the price of king size mattresses. Holy moly. We decided that was definitely a purchase that could wait and stuck with a queen. We'll just have to get cozy on those fussy nights.

It's not just purchases that shift our thinking, though. We've talked about how our choice of words will need to change (we each have our favorite blue words), how our relationship will be different and in what ways we'll need to baby-proof the house. I'm glad we have these conversations, but I know there are things we haven't even realized need to be addressed. We'll figure it out together and I can't express how blessed I feel to have such an amazing partner in life. I'm so happy to share this journey with him, and I know he will be a fantastic father. There is no shift in thinking there at all.

Some days are harder...

Another month and no conception. It's been nine months of trying now. It seems strange to me that if Ben and I had conceived the first month we started trying, we would nearly have a baby right now. As it is, we won't have a baby this year. Some days are harder to accept that than others.

I don't talk about my struggle much on Facebook. It's not something I like sharing and I also don't want to have some cheese with my whine. I did the other day, though, when I found out we weren't pregnant again. I tried not to be heavy handed about it, but did express my frustration and said that things were hard. I got a lot of positive support, which I was very grateful for. Several friends said that it would happen when it is meant to and not to get discouraged. Several others offered listening ears. I am so lucky to have supportive friends and family.

I had a hard enough time talking about it on Facebook and an even harder time deciding to make this blog public. It's not that I don't appreciate the feedback and offers to swap tales of frustration, I do appreciate it. I pray and tell myself every day that it will happen in it's own time and that I should stay optimistic. Most days it works. Some days it doesn't. As strange as it sounds, I would rather not talk to others who have struggled with conception. I don't frequent message boards on the topic, nor do I seek it out in general conversation. Seeing and hearing others who are having trouble discourages me. It makes me think it will never happen for us. I want to stay positive and discussing negative things challenges that positivity.

However, I have not experienced a miscarriage (that I'm aware of) and I have resolved that if I ever do, I will need to talk to people about it. It won't be something I think I could handle privately. A friend suggested to me that I not announce my pregnancy until after the first trimester in case I do miscarry. I completely understand her logic, but I would NEED the strength of my friends and family at that point to help me through. I can't internalize that much sadness.

Ben has been wonderful these past nine months, really like always. I see that he is happily ready to start a family with me and shares my disappointment when we find out that we didn't conceive that month. I tend to take it harder than he does. But, if we were both blubbering messes I doubt it would be very helpful. It's good that he is strong when I am weak.

The doctor said when I was there a few months ago that I needed to wait until we'd been trying for a year before they'd do fertility tests. I was thinking about it the other day and as hard as I think it would be, I will probably wait until it's been 13 months to make an appointment, for multiple reasons. First, to ensure that an entire year has passed and that it won't finally happen in the next month after a year (especially since depending on who you talk to, birth control use can inhibit fertilization up to a year and I was on birth control for more than a third of my life). Second, Ben is going to be taking the bar at the end of July and studying practically from graduation until that time. We probably won't see each other hardly at all during that time, much less be able to find some free time we could attend an appointment together. So, if I wait until August, assuming we still haven't conceived, we will have thirteen months under our belts as well as a more forgiving schedule. I'm not terribly happy about it, but I think it will be for the best.

Until then, some days will still be harder and I just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

Take your time

I can't help but wonder: are you in there? It is crazy to think that you might be. I try every month not to get my hopes up, but it's no use, I always do anyway. I know that you're waiting for just the right moment to show up, and I can respect that. You will be amazing, and amazing things often need time to happen.

So, you take you're time. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here when you're ready.

Truly happy

As I've said before, several people in my life are pregnant. One is a coworker and another is my college roommate. I thought it was going to be difficult to watch them grow little babies inside them, but it has actually been a good experience. I find myself looking forward to seeing updates on Facebook from my friend about her latest ultrasound. I catch myself peeking at the bump my coworker is getting. I really am happy for them, and no "buts" either. I have jokingly told my former roommate that we WILL be pregnant together...and while that would be fantastic, I am ok knowing that my baby is going to come when it is meant to and not as a matching fashion accessory. I have talked to my coworker about the difficulties of finding affordable maternity clothes, and don't cringe a bit when she says "you'll find out soon." I'm hoping that she's right and it will be sooner rather than later, but that doesn't mean that I can't be happy for the mommies-to-be who are close to me. I am feeling much better since Ben and I had our heart-to-heart and I am confident that I would not be nearly as happy with where I am, where we are or where my friends are if I was still carrying that burden.

Sharing is caring

There are so many things I want to share with you! I have told your dad, in no uncertain terms, that as soon as we find out you'll be joining us, we're getting a membership to a pool. I want to be able to share the experience of being in the water and swimming with you from day one. I believe it is a crucial to have even a basic knowledge of how to swim, but my hope is you'll be like a little fish.

I will tell you stories of your Grandma Annie, whom you'll never be able to meet. Keeping her memory alive and sharing with you all the things I loved about her, and even the struggles we had together, is extremely important to me. She would be so proud to be your Grandma! I only hope you get to meet your Grandpa Bruce, too, and can remember meeting him. I don't remember my dad's parents, and it has made me sad many times. Your Grandma Dana and Grandpa Mike will love every inch of you, as well as your Uncles Matt, Luke and Keith and Aunts Emily, Sara and Christine. There is so much they can teach you that I can't. I am excited to share your life with them!

I want to share all kinds of foods I love (and even some I don't...just because I hate peas doesn't mean you will), all kinds of new places to visit, all kinds of songs and books and dances and pictures that will stimulate all kinds of who-knows-what in your little brain, all kinds of memories we'll create together and remember until we're in our twilight years.

All this and more I want to share. Because sharing is caring and I can't describe how much I care about you and love you already...your dad and I both (he hasn't read this yet, but I feel confident speaking for him). We can't wait to meet you!

Our sitcom

I found myself watching reruns of Friends yesterday as I ate dinner. To no one's surprise, the episodes I chose to watch were the ones where Rachel has her baby. Two plot lines really struck me: Rachel's labor/delivery/etc (obviously) and Chandler and Monica deciding to start trying for a baby. I found myself somewhere in the middle of their two worlds. I don't really feel the overwhelming excitement of newly trying to conceive anymore, but I've not experienced Rachel's excitement, either.

Monica and Chandler can't wait to start trying. Literally. They decided together that they were ready to have a baby, too and decided there was no time like the present. As I watched the sitcom antics unfold, my heart went out to these fictional characters. I remember when Ben and I started trying. We had waited so that "just in case" we got pregnant right away, we'd be in a comfortable place when the baby came. I knew the chances were slim, but I hoped we would get pregnant in the first few months. I wondered if Monica and Chandler have the same hope I did. I wondered if they would have the same frustration I do, or if their hope would become a reality. It's hard to accept that everyone's timing is different.

Rachel was going through eighteen hours of labor, watching a parade of other pregnant roommates come into her room, then out as they were taken to deliver their babies. After four new moms, she gets clearly upset that it's not her turn yet. Oh, believe me, Rachel, I can relate. When she is finally ready to have her baby, the doctor told her "You're about to be a mom." Wow, what a statement. I can't imagine what it will be like to hear that and know that your life will change in a matter of a few minutes. I'm looking forward to hearing those words.

Ben and I have heard before that our life could be a sitcom, based on how we met, some of our affectionate conversations, some unique experiences we've had, among other things. I'm interested to see how what happens on the next episode of our sitcom. No spoilers!

We need to talk

I had somewhat of a meltdown yesterday. I carried the weight of almost eight months now of trying to conceive...I seethed in frustration that my body can't decide when it wants to menstruate and when it doesn't...I have tested my ovulation hopefully, only for there to be (seemingly) endless days of negative results...I reflected ruefully at the quantity of our attempts at conception, though never the quality--never, never the quality. I told Ben we needed to talk. After a few minutes of getting things off our chest in loud voices, we were able to start having a real conversation.

We were honest with each other and realized that we had both come to resent the process I had created--the ovulation tests and the fertile windows and the pressure it put on us. I said that I felt like if I didn't do everything I could to try to conceive and we didn't conceive, it was because I hadn't done enough. He said that he didn't feel he was a part of the efforts anymore since I had started tracking and testing. He felt like a baby-making tool and not a husband. I felt like a science experiment and not a wife.

So, goodbye ovulation strips. Goodbye fertile windows. Goodbye science experiment. Goodbye pressure. Hello accepting things as they are and as they are meant to be. Hello enjoying ourselves in the process. Hello inner peace. How I've missed you.

Saying it out loud

Trying to have a baby is stressful...especially when your body refuses to cooperate. I know there are still more things I can do to “help” the process along, like using the ovulation strips that have been taking up real estate in my cabinet under the bathroom sink. Part of me just wants to give up. Part of me is fed up with being disappointed month after month. Part of me wonders if my body is trying to sabotage any chance I have at getting pregnant, because lately I’ve had more days per month that are “unfeasible” than not.

I’ve started having bad dreams. If I dream at all, they are scary or just plain strange. I’ve dreamt of being caught in a flood (I've had that one twice), of being shot at, of being threatened, of my dad's house being on fire (I've had that one twice, too). It’s been weeks of bad dreams now and I wish I could have a happy dream for once. I would even settle for a neutral dream. One where I don’t wake up in a panic or depressed.

It doesn’t help that I worry about what will happen once Ben graduates law school. We’ve talked about options, but it’s three months away and all we’ve got is options. Even if he got a job flipping burgers, I would feel better. I would never want him to work fast food with a Juris Doctorate, but if that’s what it takes to keep our bills paid...

Something’s got to give. A friend told me that I won’t get pregnant if I’m stressed. Unfortunately, if not being pregnant is part of the stress, it’s just a vicious cycle. She suggested I let it go and find a happy place. Does anyone have one they can let me borrow for a while?

Pink or blue?

I feel very strongly about some common pregnancy concepts. It doesn't mean you have to agree, in fact you very well may not and that's ok.

I don't want to know what the gender of my unborn baby is. My husband does, and he is terrible at keeping secrets, so I guess that means I'll have to know when the time comes. I just want to be surprised. I want the excitement of hearing the doctor announce the gender as my newborn child writhes and cries, announcing his or her own presence all by him-/herself.

I also don't want to be drowning in stereotypical boy or girl "stuff"--clothes, toys, decorations, blankets, etc, etc. I'm afraid that if word gets around about whether I'm having a boy or a girl, that I WILL end up drowning. Not intentionally by any one person (although my sister has all but guaranteed they'll be spoiled by their Aunt Sara), but by many well-intentioned people.

My daughter will not have a room full of princess garb. My son will not have a toy box full of sports-themed trinkets. I feel it would pigeon-hole them into a stereotype I don't necessarily want to continue. Nothing against those who revel in those things. It's just not for me. That's not to say that I will never buy a frilly dress or a onesie that says "daddy's little slugger", but it will be the exception rather than the rule.

But, watch: I'LL be the one begging the doctor to show us the gender on the ultrasound. Or I'll bring home bags bursting full of blue or pink. Because even as stubborn as I am, everything can change once I'm experiencing it in living color rather than just thinking about it. I am stubborn, though, so who knows...

It's been six months, going on seven months

My husband jokes that if I had my way, I would be pregnant YESTERDAY. That's been the joke since our wedding two years ago. But, not three months after we got married, he was accepted into an accelerated law program. He wanted to wait until he was done with school before we even started trying. That was just NOT going to work for me. So, in the spirit of compromise, we agreed that when he had a year left, we would begin trying for a baby. It's been six months...going on seven months.

Six months since the knot of worry in my stomach that shows up every time I take a pregnancy test switched from "Will it be positive?" to "Will it be negative?" I had decided from the beginning that for the first six months, I would let things happen if they were meant to. THAT was the longest six months in recent memory. Six months...going on seven months.

In the last six months, several friends and family members have announced pregnancies. I smile because I really am happy for them. I fight back tears because I ache with jealousy. I curse under my breath (in public) and at the top of my lungs (in private) at whatever it might be that we've been doing wrong. I pray that next month will be OUR month. It's been six months...going on seven months.

Though, six months ago, we had just moved into our newly-bought house. Five months ago, Ben was neck-deep in an externship that demanded the majority of his time. Four months ago, all my extra energy was devoted to ovarian cancer awareness events. Three months ago, we were finally getting back to being somewhat normal. Two months ago, we got our hopes up when I was three days late and Ben realized how ready he actually was to be a dad. One month ago, I made up my mind that it was time to start tracking my ovulation and be more deliberate in our efforts. So, it's been six months, going on seven months, and now we mean business.

Be Prepared

What kind of Eagle Scout wife would I be if I wasn't prepared?

I bought a Halloween costume for a baby I don't even have. Ben rolled his eyes affectionately at me when I showed him. Can a person roll their eyes affectionately? Sure, why not! It's a fuzzy snowman and it's practically perfect...size 0-9 months, warm for our Ohio October, unisex and best of all, less than $10.

That's not all I've got! I have a few maternity shirts hiding in my closet. I also got a toddler tuxedo and gnome costume from a friend. We've got four names chosen--two boy names and two girl names (first AND middle) in case we have two children of the same gender. I told Ben that we can have as many children as he wants, but I'm only giving birth to two. We'll see if that sticks. I've been pinning like a madwoman on Pinterest, getting all kinds of ideas for tips, tricks, birth announcement ideas and basically anything cute and baby-fied.

I even talked to my OB at my appointment this week to see how I could do my best (the Cub Scout motto!) to prepare for pregnancy. She told me prenatal vitamins ASAP, so that they're in my system during the first six to eight weeks when the baby's setting up shop. She also said that they don't typically counsel until a couple has been trying for a year, since 80% conceive within that time. Odds are in my favor! Until then, I guess I'll have to keep pinning away and amassing clothes that make Ben roll his eyes.

I will wait for you...

Every time I hear "I Will Wait" by Mumford and Sons, I think of you.

"These days of dust
Which we have known
Will blow away with this new sun..."

Those lines kinda remind me of an old diary, full of childhood dreams, tucked in a forgotten window seat. I'm ready for my dust to be blown away, to have my life opened to a new chapter and to welcome you, our little one, into the wonderful story your dad and I have started.

I have a confession, too. When I sing the lines above in my head...ok, out loud, who am I kidding...I replace SUN with SON. Don't get me wrong--I will be happy whether you are a baby boy or a baby girl. For the sake of poetic license, though, SON it is.

"Now I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart..."

This is everything I want to be as a parent and everything I wish for you as my child. Be bold: courageous in the face of the struggles we'll have; take risks and be willing to make mistakes, but always learn from them. As well as strong: provide strength, comfort and support for you and be able to let you utilize your own strength when you can. Use my head: make the best decisions possible as often as possible, and seek out those who know more so they can pass on their wisdom. Alongside my heart: always, always, always love and cherish each other; use the love to guide decisions, picking up where logic left off.

"And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you..."

And I will. As long as it takes. I will wait until the pregnancy test is positive. I will wait until I see you as a gray bean-shaped speck on the ultrasound. I will wait until I hear the waw-waw of your faint heartbeat. I will wait until I feel your tiny feet press my stomach from the inside out. I will wait until I hold you delicately in my arms. I will wait for you.