Saying it out loud

Trying to have a baby is stressful...especially when your body refuses to cooperate. I know there are still more things I can do to “help” the process along, like using the ovulation strips that have been taking up real estate in my cabinet under the bathroom sink. Part of me just wants to give up. Part of me is fed up with being disappointed month after month. Part of me wonders if my body is trying to sabotage any chance I have at getting pregnant, because lately I’ve had more days per month that are “unfeasible” than not.

I’ve started having bad dreams. If I dream at all, they are scary or just plain strange. I’ve dreamt of being caught in a flood (I've had that one twice), of being shot at, of being threatened, of my dad's house being on fire (I've had that one twice, too). It’s been weeks of bad dreams now and I wish I could have a happy dream for once. I would even settle for a neutral dream. One where I don’t wake up in a panic or depressed.

It doesn’t help that I worry about what will happen once Ben graduates law school. We’ve talked about options, but it’s three months away and all we’ve got is options. Even if he got a job flipping burgers, I would feel better. I would never want him to work fast food with a Juris Doctorate, but if that’s what it takes to keep our bills paid...

Something’s got to give. A friend told me that I won’t get pregnant if I’m stressed. Unfortunately, if not being pregnant is part of the stress, it’s just a vicious cycle. She suggested I let it go and find a happy place. Does anyone have one they can let me borrow for a while?