Some days are harder...

Another month and no conception. It's been nine months of trying now. It seems strange to me that if Ben and I had conceived the first month we started trying, we would nearly have a baby right now. As it is, we won't have a baby this year. Some days are harder to accept that than others.

I don't talk about my struggle much on Facebook. It's not something I like sharing and I also don't want to have some cheese with my whine. I did the other day, though, when I found out we weren't pregnant again. I tried not to be heavy handed about it, but did express my frustration and said that things were hard. I got a lot of positive support, which I was very grateful for. Several friends said that it would happen when it is meant to and not to get discouraged. Several others offered listening ears. I am so lucky to have supportive friends and family.

I had a hard enough time talking about it on Facebook and an even harder time deciding to make this blog public. It's not that I don't appreciate the feedback and offers to swap tales of frustration, I do appreciate it. I pray and tell myself every day that it will happen in it's own time and that I should stay optimistic. Most days it works. Some days it doesn't. As strange as it sounds, I would rather not talk to others who have struggled with conception. I don't frequent message boards on the topic, nor do I seek it out in general conversation. Seeing and hearing others who are having trouble discourages me. It makes me think it will never happen for us. I want to stay positive and discussing negative things challenges that positivity.

However, I have not experienced a miscarriage (that I'm aware of) and I have resolved that if I ever do, I will need to talk to people about it. It won't be something I think I could handle privately. A friend suggested to me that I not announce my pregnancy until after the first trimester in case I do miscarry. I completely understand her logic, but I would NEED the strength of my friends and family at that point to help me through. I can't internalize that much sadness.

Ben has been wonderful these past nine months, really like always. I see that he is happily ready to start a family with me and shares my disappointment when we find out that we didn't conceive that month. I tend to take it harder than he does. But, if we were both blubbering messes I doubt it would be very helpful. It's good that he is strong when I am weak.

The doctor said when I was there a few months ago that I needed to wait until we'd been trying for a year before they'd do fertility tests. I was thinking about it the other day and as hard as I think it would be, I will probably wait until it's been 13 months to make an appointment, for multiple reasons. First, to ensure that an entire year has passed and that it won't finally happen in the next month after a year (especially since depending on who you talk to, birth control use can inhibit fertilization up to a year and I was on birth control for more than a third of my life). Second, Ben is going to be taking the bar at the end of July and studying practically from graduation until that time. We probably won't see each other hardly at all during that time, much less be able to find some free time we could attend an appointment together. So, if I wait until August, assuming we still haven't conceived, we will have thirteen months under our belts as well as a more forgiving schedule. I'm not terribly happy about it, but I think it will be for the best.

Until then, some days will still be harder and I just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

Take your time

I can't help but wonder: are you in there? It is crazy to think that you might be. I try every month not to get my hopes up, but it's no use, I always do anyway. I know that you're waiting for just the right moment to show up, and I can respect that. You will be amazing, and amazing things often need time to happen.

So, you take you're time. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here when you're ready.

Truly happy

As I've said before, several people in my life are pregnant. One is a coworker and another is my college roommate. I thought it was going to be difficult to watch them grow little babies inside them, but it has actually been a good experience. I find myself looking forward to seeing updates on Facebook from my friend about her latest ultrasound. I catch myself peeking at the bump my coworker is getting. I really am happy for them, and no "buts" either. I have jokingly told my former roommate that we WILL be pregnant together...and while that would be fantastic, I am ok knowing that my baby is going to come when it is meant to and not as a matching fashion accessory. I have talked to my coworker about the difficulties of finding affordable maternity clothes, and don't cringe a bit when she says "you'll find out soon." I'm hoping that she's right and it will be sooner rather than later, but that doesn't mean that I can't be happy for the mommies-to-be who are close to me. I am feeling much better since Ben and I had our heart-to-heart and I am confident that I would not be nearly as happy with where I am, where we are or where my friends are if I was still carrying that burden.

Sharing is caring

There are so many things I want to share with you! I have told your dad, in no uncertain terms, that as soon as we find out you'll be joining us, we're getting a membership to a pool. I want to be able to share the experience of being in the water and swimming with you from day one. I believe it is a crucial to have even a basic knowledge of how to swim, but my hope is you'll be like a little fish.

I will tell you stories of your Grandma Annie, whom you'll never be able to meet. Keeping her memory alive and sharing with you all the things I loved about her, and even the struggles we had together, is extremely important to me. She would be so proud to be your Grandma! I only hope you get to meet your Grandpa Bruce, too, and can remember meeting him. I don't remember my dad's parents, and it has made me sad many times. Your Grandma Dana and Grandpa Mike will love every inch of you, as well as your Uncles Matt, Luke and Keith and Aunts Emily, Sara and Christine. There is so much they can teach you that I can't. I am excited to share your life with them!

I want to share all kinds of foods I love (and even some I don't...just because I hate peas doesn't mean you will), all kinds of new places to visit, all kinds of songs and books and dances and pictures that will stimulate all kinds of who-knows-what in your little brain, all kinds of memories we'll create together and remember until we're in our twilight years.

All this and more I want to share. Because sharing is caring and I can't describe how much I care about you and love you already...your dad and I both (he hasn't read this yet, but I feel confident speaking for him). We can't wait to meet you!

Our sitcom

I found myself watching reruns of Friends yesterday as I ate dinner. To no one's surprise, the episodes I chose to watch were the ones where Rachel has her baby. Two plot lines really struck me: Rachel's labor/delivery/etc (obviously) and Chandler and Monica deciding to start trying for a baby. I found myself somewhere in the middle of their two worlds. I don't really feel the overwhelming excitement of newly trying to conceive anymore, but I've not experienced Rachel's excitement, either.

Monica and Chandler can't wait to start trying. Literally. They decided together that they were ready to have a baby, too and decided there was no time like the present. As I watched the sitcom antics unfold, my heart went out to these fictional characters. I remember when Ben and I started trying. We had waited so that "just in case" we got pregnant right away, we'd be in a comfortable place when the baby came. I knew the chances were slim, but I hoped we would get pregnant in the first few months. I wondered if Monica and Chandler have the same hope I did. I wondered if they would have the same frustration I do, or if their hope would become a reality. It's hard to accept that everyone's timing is different.

Rachel was going through eighteen hours of labor, watching a parade of other pregnant roommates come into her room, then out as they were taken to deliver their babies. After four new moms, she gets clearly upset that it's not her turn yet. Oh, believe me, Rachel, I can relate. When she is finally ready to have her baby, the doctor told her "You're about to be a mom." Wow, what a statement. I can't imagine what it will be like to hear that and know that your life will change in a matter of a few minutes. I'm looking forward to hearing those words.

Ben and I have heard before that our life could be a sitcom, based on how we met, some of our affectionate conversations, some unique experiences we've had, among other things. I'm interested to see how what happens on the next episode of our sitcom. No spoilers!