I think I've gone off the deep end...

I may have officially gone off the deep end. Ben and I were in a bookstore earlier this week and as I wandered around while he thumbed through some omnibi, I found myself in the "Family and Child Care" section. There were the usual What to Expect books and baby name dictionaries, and a bunch of other books, magazines and journals all revolving around having a baby. I wasn't wistful or bitter.

Here we are a full year into trying to conceive and I feel almost as hopeful as I did when we first started. Maybe I've just used up all my anxiety, or maybe I'm just optimistic that this will be our month after all, or maybe (the most likely scenario, IMO) I'm ready to make my appointment to see the doctor and find out what our options are. There's a calming sense when you know there are possibilities within your reach. I know that it will still be another month before we'll have the appointment, but I'm planning on making the call to the doctor in the next couple of weeks so that we can get in as early in August as possible. Maybe the day after the bar exam? Hahaha, just kidding! You can breathe again now, Ben. ;)

So I'm standing there staring at these books and magazines and journals. I was drawn to the pregnancy journals in a way I've never been before. In fact, as I picked them up one by one--looking at their structure and their content and weighing their merits against each other--I was was reminded of when I was planning my wedding. What you may not realize is I was planning my wedding before I was engaged, which is saying a lot since I was the one keeping our relationship at a slow pace. But, what I told Ben at the time is that if it was just the wedding, I'd get married in an instant. I needed to be ready to be married, too. That didn't stop me from dreaming about what my dress would look like and frequenting the wedding sections of bookstores looking at books on centerpieces and planning calendars.

Anyway, I digress. I felt a parallel between looking at wedding resources without a fiancé and looking at pregnancy books without a baby. And this is where I went off the deep end. I decided to buy one of the pregnancy journals. I want to not only be ready to be pregnant but also ready to have a baby. No, I may not have a baby, but I will. When I do, I will have this journal to stick ultrasounds in and pictures of my growing belly. Or, we'll adopt and I'll Frankenstein it to fit my needs. I really wanted one where both parents could journal together, but there weren't any there. I even did a search later and there doesn't seem to be any that I can find. I guess the pregnancy journal world hasn't quite caught up yet that having a baby might be a joint effort.

I chose one that had watercolor drawings of the fruits and vegetables the baby will resemble in size and pages with prompts about feelings and experiences as well as blank pages where I can just write whatever I want. Don't worry, I'll still keep this blog. This has been a way for me to keep ahead of my feelings so I don't lose track of myself, and I will need that. I held the book, cover facing me, and went to find Ben. As I walked down the aisle toward him, I began smiling bigger and bigger, even past the point of silly grin, making him suspicious of what book I had. I finally turned the book around so he could see and he laughed, rolled his eyes affectionately as he is wont to do when I go all baby crazy (as I am at times wont to do) and kissed me on my forehead. Ok, so maybe I am actually a little optimistic that this month will be our month. Maybe we both are. Aren't I always? I have to be. My optimism is what keeps me from drowning over here in the deep end. It's been such a roller coaster of a year and regardless of what this month will bring, it will be the beginning of a new phase in our lives and I don't know a better reason to be optimistic.

Uplifting

It's been an uplifting couple of days. Yesterday, a coworker I don't interact with much was talking to me about how she wants to adopt a little girl. She asked if I wanted children. I realized that she didn't know about us having tried for a year now. Oddly enough, I was ok with her question of whether I wanted children and not the question I've been plagued with (that I've talked about before) of when am I going to have children. There was an implication that it was ok if I didn't want children, and not an implication that I'm late to my own baby-having party.

Today, while talking to a teacher in a school-age classroom, she shared with me that she and her husband were trying for a baby. I told her that I knew how she felt, as we had been trying as well. I wished her good luck, as I could related to how hard it was. She said that they had just started the process. I felt a connection with her as we go about our journey at different stages. I was the one with experience in this case. I don't wish that she struggles like I do. I also have to accept that she may get pregnant before I do. For now, we are on the same journey.

After work, I spent some time at the thrift stores. While I was looking for something completely different, I found some super-cute crib bedding. Ben and I, after much going-around, decided we wanted a literary themed nursery for when we get pregnant. Boy or girl, it works! I first saw the Paddington Bear bumper pad, but then found a crib duster and curtain to match. For some reason, buying baby things was almost therapeutic. I may not have a baby now, but planning for one was reassuring.

Unfortunately, after doing a bit of research, I've found that bumper pads are not recommended for use in babies' cribs by the American Academy of Pediatrics. That's all right! I literally spent $2 on it ($4 for all three pieces), so I'm not that concerned with finding alternative uses for it. Possibly a quilt? A diaper stacker? Wall hanging? Who knows, but for $2 I'm sure I'll get my money's worth. :)

It's been an uplifting couple of days. I'm ready for more. :)

Members of the family

Around two months ago, I wrote a blog about the possibility of us getting another dog, among other things. Well, here we are and our household has indeed grown. Unfortunately for me, it wasn't because of a dog.

Meet Captain Argyle Augustus MacDuff, the newest and felinest member of our family!

Argyle is a 4 month old dusty orange tabby. His birthday is our anniversary! He is super sweet and friendly. His paws are so big! He is going to be huge. He and our dog, Mayhem, get along so well! They play and cuddle together. I look forward to seeing him grow up.

I can't forget about my awesome dog! Mayhem just turned 7 in April. I've had her since she was 2 years old. She loves to be loved on and is the least Jack Russell-y Jack Russell I've ever met. LOL Her favorite treat is ice cubes and she actually enjoys wearing dog clothes! She is so spoiled.

I love all the members of our family. I look forward to when I can say that it includes a baby. :)