Comfort

I'm going to cross-post this on my Ovarian Cancer Awareness blog.

I had my doctor's appointment this week. They were as helpful as they could be, I suppose. They drew some blood and made me pee twice in forty minutes (the first one got dumped and they didn't consider that they'd need it again). They told me to call back to get some of the test results back.

That time until I could call was both long and short. I was very impatient. But, work kept me busy and a friend even had to remind me to call because of that. The first time I called, I got their voicemail greeting. I didn't want to leave a message, so I figured I'd call back in a few minutes. The second time, someone answered. I gave her my name and why I was calling and she checked my file. They didn't have the results in the file yet, so she needed to find someone who had the paper results and she put me on hold.

The hold music wasn't bad. The first song was a Maroon 5 song...Love Somebody, I think. It ended pretty quickly, as it had been almost over. The next song started and my phone was cutting in and out, but I heard two notes and knew exactly what song it was. I waited until I could hear it completely to say for sure, but I was right. It was the song that reminds me of my mother, I Hope You Dance. It had come out when my mom was dying and I had bought the cassette tape and played it for her. It's not the only song that reminds me of her--there are a couple Christian songs that she loved and the song that she danced to with my dad at their wedding also remind me of her. I've heard one of the Christian songs playing when I needed the reminder, but this is the song that has shown up the most when I needed the reminder. I knew she was with me.

The woman came back on the phone and gave me the test results, which were quite positive, and that means we can move forward. I have a follow-up appointment at the end of the month. Fingers crossed!

I think I've gone off the deep end...

I may have officially gone off the deep end. Ben and I were in a bookstore earlier this week and as I wandered around while he thumbed through some omnibi, I found myself in the "Family and Child Care" section. There were the usual What to Expect books and baby name dictionaries, and a bunch of other books, magazines and journals all revolving around having a baby. I wasn't wistful or bitter.

Here we are a full year into trying to conceive and I feel almost as hopeful as I did when we first started. Maybe I've just used up all my anxiety, or maybe I'm just optimistic that this will be our month after all, or maybe (the most likely scenario, IMO) I'm ready to make my appointment to see the doctor and find out what our options are. There's a calming sense when you know there are possibilities within your reach. I know that it will still be another month before we'll have the appointment, but I'm planning on making the call to the doctor in the next couple of weeks so that we can get in as early in August as possible. Maybe the day after the bar exam? Hahaha, just kidding! You can breathe again now, Ben. ;)

So I'm standing there staring at these books and magazines and journals. I was drawn to the pregnancy journals in a way I've never been before. In fact, as I picked them up one by one--looking at their structure and their content and weighing their merits against each other--I was was reminded of when I was planning my wedding. What you may not realize is I was planning my wedding before I was engaged, which is saying a lot since I was the one keeping our relationship at a slow pace. But, what I told Ben at the time is that if it was just the wedding, I'd get married in an instant. I needed to be ready to be married, too. That didn't stop me from dreaming about what my dress would look like and frequenting the wedding sections of bookstores looking at books on centerpieces and planning calendars.

Anyway, I digress. I felt a parallel between looking at wedding resources without a fiancé and looking at pregnancy books without a baby. And this is where I went off the deep end. I decided to buy one of the pregnancy journals. I want to not only be ready to be pregnant but also ready to have a baby. No, I may not have a baby, but I will. When I do, I will have this journal to stick ultrasounds in and pictures of my growing belly. Or, we'll adopt and I'll Frankenstein it to fit my needs. I really wanted one where both parents could journal together, but there weren't any there. I even did a search later and there doesn't seem to be any that I can find. I guess the pregnancy journal world hasn't quite caught up yet that having a baby might be a joint effort.

I chose one that had watercolor drawings of the fruits and vegetables the baby will resemble in size and pages with prompts about feelings and experiences as well as blank pages where I can just write whatever I want. Don't worry, I'll still keep this blog. This has been a way for me to keep ahead of my feelings so I don't lose track of myself, and I will need that. I held the book, cover facing me, and went to find Ben. As I walked down the aisle toward him, I began smiling bigger and bigger, even past the point of silly grin, making him suspicious of what book I had. I finally turned the book around so he could see and he laughed, rolled his eyes affectionately as he is wont to do when I go all baby crazy (as I am at times wont to do) and kissed me on my forehead. Ok, so maybe I am actually a little optimistic that this month will be our month. Maybe we both are. Aren't I always? I have to be. My optimism is what keeps me from drowning over here in the deep end. It's been such a roller coaster of a year and regardless of what this month will bring, it will be the beginning of a new phase in our lives and I don't know a better reason to be optimistic.

Truly happy

As I've said before, several people in my life are pregnant. One is a coworker and another is my college roommate. I thought it was going to be difficult to watch them grow little babies inside them, but it has actually been a good experience. I find myself looking forward to seeing updates on Facebook from my friend about her latest ultrasound. I catch myself peeking at the bump my coworker is getting. I really am happy for them, and no "buts" either. I have jokingly told my former roommate that we WILL be pregnant together...and while that would be fantastic, I am ok knowing that my baby is going to come when it is meant to and not as a matching fashion accessory. I have talked to my coworker about the difficulties of finding affordable maternity clothes, and don't cringe a bit when she says "you'll find out soon." I'm hoping that she's right and it will be sooner rather than later, but that doesn't mean that I can't be happy for the mommies-to-be who are close to me. I am feeling much better since Ben and I had our heart-to-heart and I am confident that I would not be nearly as happy with where I am, where we are or where my friends are if I was still carrying that burden.

We need to talk

I had somewhat of a meltdown yesterday. I carried the weight of almost eight months now of trying to conceive...I seethed in frustration that my body can't decide when it wants to menstruate and when it doesn't...I have tested my ovulation hopefully, only for there to be (seemingly) endless days of negative results...I reflected ruefully at the quantity of our attempts at conception, though never the quality--never, never the quality. I told Ben we needed to talk. After a few minutes of getting things off our chest in loud voices, we were able to start having a real conversation.

We were honest with each other and realized that we had both come to resent the process I had created--the ovulation tests and the fertile windows and the pressure it put on us. I said that I felt like if I didn't do everything I could to try to conceive and we didn't conceive, it was because I hadn't done enough. He said that he didn't feel he was a part of the efforts anymore since I had started tracking and testing. He felt like a baby-making tool and not a husband. I felt like a science experiment and not a wife.

So, goodbye ovulation strips. Goodbye fertile windows. Goodbye science experiment. Goodbye pressure. Hello accepting things as they are and as they are meant to be. Hello enjoying ourselves in the process. Hello inner peace. How I've missed you.