We need to talk

I had somewhat of a meltdown yesterday. I carried the weight of almost eight months now of trying to conceive...I seethed in frustration that my body can't decide when it wants to menstruate and when it doesn't...I have tested my ovulation hopefully, only for there to be (seemingly) endless days of negative results...I reflected ruefully at the quantity of our attempts at conception, though never the quality--never, never the quality. I told Ben we needed to talk. After a few minutes of getting things off our chest in loud voices, we were able to start having a real conversation.

We were honest with each other and realized that we had both come to resent the process I had created--the ovulation tests and the fertile windows and the pressure it put on us. I said that I felt like if I didn't do everything I could to try to conceive and we didn't conceive, it was because I hadn't done enough. He said that he didn't feel he was a part of the efforts anymore since I had started tracking and testing. He felt like a baby-making tool and not a husband. I felt like a science experiment and not a wife.

So, goodbye ovulation strips. Goodbye fertile windows. Goodbye science experiment. Goodbye pressure. Hello accepting things as they are and as they are meant to be. Hello enjoying ourselves in the process. Hello inner peace. How I've missed you.