I just haven't met you yet...

November 15, 2018

I had a realization the other day that I didn't have a song to make me think of a future foster/adoptive child(ren). So, I set out to find one.

Probably not surprisingly, it's not the easiest feat to think of search terms for that type of thing. But, I found a few discussion boards that had threads on the topic of inspirational songs. And I found it.

Update 2/26/2021 I got a line from it inscribed on my birthstone ring that has Jonas's and Baby Sonnie's birthstones (based on Sonnie's due date). <3

Making up my mind

11/15/2018

These past few months have been hard. For a while I was feeling defeated and just tired. I finally talked to Ben about it around this time last month and said I thought I was ready to be done trying for a baby. Truthfully, it was a relief to say it out loud. I felt a lot better once we talked about it. He was supportive and understood how I was feeling.

He asked if he should look into getting a vasectomy. And as relieved as I was talking about being ready to stop, I was not prepared for that question. Moreso, I wasn't prepared for the finality of that. It was a struggle for me because I couldn't figure out why I was reticent. If I was ready to be done, and have our family complete, then what was the problem?

I figured out after a week or so of feeling relieved what the problem was. I realized I was frustrated and sad and overthinking all the things that could come up if I did get pregnant, but what I wasn't was done. I still want another baby. It was still another couple of weeks before I talked to Ben about it, because first I felt silly reneging on what I had said, and second I wanted to make sure it was FOR REAL for real.

So, here I am, back to where I was before. Still frustrated, still sad, still overthinking, still STILL tired, but ok with being those things. I'm ready to be un-done.

I don’t know...

August 26,2018

It’s been almost a year and a half since the miscarriage, but I swear it feels like yesterday. I don’t know...

And yet, when I think about how long we’ve been trying for a baby again (since January), it feels like forever. I don’t know if I have it in me to keep trying. Sometimes I look at Jonas and am so lucky to be his mom and decide that it’s ok to just be Jonas’s mom. Then other times I look at Jonas and want so badly for him to have a sibling, to share his life with them, to share our family with them. I know I have so much more love to give to another child, but I don’t know...

Part of me wants to just let it all go and give up trying for a baby. I almost did back in May when Jonas’s IQ eval came back so low. I really had to reflect on whether I should focus on helping Jonas be successful rather than adding another child into the mix. That month and the month my grandmother passed away were complete wastes in our efforts for conception. I told Ben at that time that I wanted us to wait two weeks, muse on it and talk about it again. We decided we wanted to keep trying. But now I don’t know...

The other part of me wonders if I will be able to forgive myself if I walk away from trying. Ben has suggested talking to the obgyn about fertility options. I still haven’t made the appointment. I don’t know if I want to, but I don’t know if thats fair to him. I almost feel like at this point, if I’m not going to get pregnant unassisted I might as well call it a day, because I really don’t want to go though a rigamarol of spent money and tests and anxiety and who knows what medication just to maybe get pregnant in my late 30s. But we want this baby so badly. I don’t know...

I know there is always adoption or fostering, but if I’m already hesitant to spend money on fertility options, adoption is way more expensive. And fostering would just break my heart. If it’s not going to happen, then that’s ok. I am so very happy to have Jonas and it’s good enough for me. But am I robbing Jonas of the opportunity of having a sibling just out of inconvenience? I don’t know...

I just don’t know...