Pink or blue?

I feel very strongly about some common pregnancy concepts. It doesn't mean you have to agree, in fact you very well may not and that's ok.

I don't want to know what the gender of my unborn baby is. My husband does, and he is terrible at keeping secrets, so I guess that means I'll have to know when the time comes. I just want to be surprised. I want the excitement of hearing the doctor announce the gender as my newborn child writhes and cries, announcing his or her own presence all by him-/herself.

I also don't want to be drowning in stereotypical boy or girl "stuff"--clothes, toys, decorations, blankets, etc, etc. I'm afraid that if word gets around about whether I'm having a boy or a girl, that I WILL end up drowning. Not intentionally by any one person (although my sister has all but guaranteed they'll be spoiled by their Aunt Sara), but by many well-intentioned people.

My daughter will not have a room full of princess garb. My son will not have a toy box full of sports-themed trinkets. I feel it would pigeon-hole them into a stereotype I don't necessarily want to continue. Nothing against those who revel in those things. It's just not for me. That's not to say that I will never buy a frilly dress or a onesie that says "daddy's little slugger", but it will be the exception rather than the rule.

But, watch: I'LL be the one begging the doctor to show us the gender on the ultrasound. Or I'll bring home bags bursting full of blue or pink. Because even as stubborn as I am, everything can change once I'm experiencing it in living color rather than just thinking about it. I am stubborn, though, so who knows...

It's been six months, going on seven months

My husband jokes that if I had my way, I would be pregnant YESTERDAY. That's been the joke since our wedding two years ago. But, not three months after we got married, he was accepted into an accelerated law program. He wanted to wait until he was done with school before we even started trying. That was just NOT going to work for me. So, in the spirit of compromise, we agreed that when he had a year left, we would begin trying for a baby. It's been six months...going on seven months.

Six months since the knot of worry in my stomach that shows up every time I take a pregnancy test switched from "Will it be positive?" to "Will it be negative?" I had decided from the beginning that for the first six months, I would let things happen if they were meant to. THAT was the longest six months in recent memory. Six months...going on seven months.

In the last six months, several friends and family members have announced pregnancies. I smile because I really am happy for them. I fight back tears because I ache with jealousy. I curse under my breath (in public) and at the top of my lungs (in private) at whatever it might be that we've been doing wrong. I pray that next month will be OUR month. It's been six months...going on seven months.

Though, six months ago, we had just moved into our newly-bought house. Five months ago, Ben was neck-deep in an externship that demanded the majority of his time. Four months ago, all my extra energy was devoted to ovarian cancer awareness events. Three months ago, we were finally getting back to being somewhat normal. Two months ago, we got our hopes up when I was three days late and Ben realized how ready he actually was to be a dad. One month ago, I made up my mind that it was time to start tracking my ovulation and be more deliberate in our efforts. So, it's been six months, going on seven months, and now we mean business.

Be Prepared

What kind of Eagle Scout wife would I be if I wasn't prepared?

I bought a Halloween costume for a baby I don't even have. Ben rolled his eyes affectionately at me when I showed him. Can a person roll their eyes affectionately? Sure, why not! It's a fuzzy snowman and it's practically perfect...size 0-9 months, warm for our Ohio October, unisex and best of all, less than $10.

That's not all I've got! I have a few maternity shirts hiding in my closet. I also got a toddler tuxedo and gnome costume from a friend. We've got four names chosen--two boy names and two girl names (first AND middle) in case we have two children of the same gender. I told Ben that we can have as many children as he wants, but I'm only giving birth to two. We'll see if that sticks. I've been pinning like a madwoman on Pinterest, getting all kinds of ideas for tips, tricks, birth announcement ideas and basically anything cute and baby-fied.

I even talked to my OB at my appointment this week to see how I could do my best (the Cub Scout motto!) to prepare for pregnancy. She told me prenatal vitamins ASAP, so that they're in my system during the first six to eight weeks when the baby's setting up shop. She also said that they don't typically counsel until a couple has been trying for a year, since 80% conceive within that time. Odds are in my favor! Until then, I guess I'll have to keep pinning away and amassing clothes that make Ben roll his eyes.

I will wait for you...

Every time I hear "I Will Wait" by Mumford and Sons, I think of you.

"These days of dust
Which we have known
Will blow away with this new sun..."

Those lines kinda remind me of an old diary, full of childhood dreams, tucked in a forgotten window seat. I'm ready for my dust to be blown away, to have my life opened to a new chapter and to welcome you, our little one, into the wonderful story your dad and I have started.

I have a confession, too. When I sing the lines above in my head...ok, out loud, who am I kidding...I replace SUN with SON. Don't get me wrong--I will be happy whether you are a baby boy or a baby girl. For the sake of poetic license, though, SON it is.

"Now I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart..."

This is everything I want to be as a parent and everything I wish for you as my child. Be bold: courageous in the face of the struggles we'll have; take risks and be willing to make mistakes, but always learn from them. As well as strong: provide strength, comfort and support for you and be able to let you utilize your own strength when you can. Use my head: make the best decisions possible as often as possible, and seek out those who know more so they can pass on their wisdom. Alongside my heart: always, always, always love and cherish each other; use the love to guide decisions, picking up where logic left off.

"And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you..."

And I will. As long as it takes. I will wait until the pregnancy test is positive. I will wait until I see you as a gray bean-shaped speck on the ultrasound. I will wait until I hear the waw-waw of your faint heartbeat. I will wait until I feel your tiny feet press my stomach from the inside out. I will wait until I hold you delicately in my arms. I will wait for you.