A new journey

4/15/17 I promise, I didn't forget about you! I've just been busy learning how to be a new mom. Jonas brings new challenges and joys every day! It's a wonder I remember to change my contact lenses!

I have another journey to motherhood that I'm embarking on! Ben and I discovered we were pregnant with our second child this week! We are excited and nervous about expanding our family. This won't be posted until we make it public, but I wanted to put it down in words while I still remember how it feels.

I thought I was due for my cycle on Tuesday, but once I checked it was actually supposed to be Monday. The last few months have had some false hope and I would wait a day or two to take the test just for it to be negative. I decided this month that I just wanted to get it out of the way so I wouldn't stress for two days just to have another negative test. To my surprise, it was positive! I wanted to give Ben his "Dad" picture frame again, but I couldn't find it. I asked him where it was (it had actually come up in conversation recently, so Ben wasn't suspicious by my question). He wasn't sure, but said he would find it. I told him he might need it. That was when he caught on and asked if I was pregnant. I said yes!

If I'm being honest, I'm worried about my age in regard to the pregnancy. I was 16 days shy of my 35th birthday when I found out I was pregnant. It's one of those scary numbers that looms over a woman and is sort of the 11th hour of her biological clock. I don't feel old. I don't feel as though my odds for complications should be higher, but they are. I'm being more careful of what I'm eating now, and trying to get back to a healthy weight for when I start to gain it again from the pregnancy. I am doing my best to stay away from sick children at work. I'm trying to be in tune with my body and rest when I need to rest and understand what my limitations are. I don't want to do something that could add to any potential complications. Ben and I tried for 11 months this time (Jonas took 13 months) and I'm ready to take on the next step of nurturing the little being inside me!

I scheduled my ob appointment. They wanted to wait until I'm 8 weeks along. AGONY!! I think we were spoiled with Jonas's pregnancy. I honestly didn't believe the pregnancy test and we already had an appointment scheduled (which was actually why I took the test in the first place) so I just kept it. Within a week of finding out we were pregnant with Jonas, we had a doctor appointment, a HCG test and an ultrasound. And now I have to wait another month just to get in to the doctor! From what I read, though, it's pretty common. It doesn't make it easier, though. Haha I'm looking forward to getting to that milestone so we can set our eyes on the next landmark on our journey. Wish us well!

Hopes and fears

5/10/17 My first prenatal doctor appointment is in two days. I have spent the better part of the last two and a half weeks spotting lightly (sorry TMI), and I am worried that I could be miscarrying. When I was pregnant with Jonas, well let me rephrase that, before I knew I was pregnant with Jonas I had eleven days of spotting that I thought was my period. This time around, I had no period for two weeks and then began spotting. That was three Sundays ago. I know spotting is common and isn't necessarily cause for concern, but I also know it might be cause for concern. It has never been heavy and really no cramps to speak of other than a twinge here and there that is also normal.

Jonas yesterday as I was putting him to bed kissed me twice on the stomach. My son is very affectionate. He has thrown an epic tantrum before because I told him he could not kiss the parking lot puddle. One day as he was getting dressed for school, he insisted on hugging each article of clothing before putting it on. Random kisses on the cheek, but more often smack on the lips, happen multiple times a day. But to be given kisses on my stomach was unexpected. I asked him why he kissed me there and he either couldn't or wouldn't tell me.

He does not know that I am pregnant. It is too abstract of a concept for him to understand right now. I'm not entirely certain when we will tell him, but we haven't even made it public yet, so it seems too early to expect a three year old to understand that mommy is growing another baby inside her when mommy doesn't look any different. And the waiting...oh Lordy it's going to be hard enough once I do start showing explaining that there are still several months before the baby will be here. The longer we can give ourselves to avoid that, I will. So, the fact that he kissed me on the stomach was even more out of context given that he doesn't know I'm pregnant. I choose to take comfort in the act, however. Comfort in his natural love and unspoken prayer for a sibling he will never meet if I did miscarry, or comfort in his innate hospitality and intuitive well wishes for a continued healthy pregnancy, is still undetermined. But, whichever comfort I will need, I know I can get it not only from my amazing son, but my incredible husband, my wonderful family and my fabulous friends. I have a strong support system and there is nothing I can't face with them by my side, whether it is sharing in mourning or sharing in joy.

I'm hopeful that we will be sharing joy, yet I can't quiet the fear that there may be grief. But I will find comfort in my blessings.

Reality check

7/30/17 The last post I wrote was before my first prenatal appointment. While they did not think I was miscarrying at the time, I did not continue to progress in the pregnancy and on May 25 at 10 weeks and 2 days I had a D&C.

I want to say it was a hard decision to do the D&C rather than miscarry on my own, but it really wasn't. I had been worrying for weeks already about whether I was or was not miscarrying, and having more uncertainty as to when it would happen naturally was not something I wanted to go through. So, two days after the ultrasound that confirmed that the baby (we named "Baby Sonnie" to complement the "Baby Mumfy" name Jonas was given in his early fetal days) had not developed, I was in the hospital for surgery.

It was actually good that I did opt for a D&C because the ultrasound had shown a potential for a molar pregnancy, and it turns out that I did have a partial molar pregnancy, which is a genetic abnormality that prevents a baby from growing. I am getting regular HCG tests to make sure it went and stays at a zero level. At first it was weekly, starting at 9, then 2, then 0. Now it is monthly and will be for the next five months until we get the all-clear to try to get pregnant again.

The last two months have been extremely hard. Ben and I are going to a counselor this week to be proactive with processing our grief. I am worried that I am depressed. I've been trying so hard to be positive and approach the whole situation with a healthy outlook, but it has been a long time since I have been happy. Ben and Jonas give me happiness. It's not that I am unhappy with my life, I just feel flat and unmotivated and incomplete. I'm hoping something comes from the appointment with the counselor. My OBGYN has already asked if I have thought about trying anti-depressants, but I wanted to try counseling first.

Fingers crossed.

Time keeps on slipping

9/18/17 There are now fewer weeks until Christmas than there have been since my miscarriage. It does not seem like it should be mid-September. Time feels like it is crawling and whizzing by at the same time. I should be 27 weeks pregnant right now. My blood tests have all come back with good results. I'm looking forward to the new year when we can start trying again. But there is always a nagging feeling/voice/thought that the next test is going to indicate cancer...that I am not done fighting and I am done having children. If this is my family forever and ever amen I am ok with that but the unknowing of my situation is what plagues me.

As a 35 year old woman, I can practically feel my biological clock ticking. However, if the Duchess of Cambridge can have a healthy pregnancy at 35, so can I! I read a poem the other day that has stuck with me...sort of like "I Will Wait" did with Jonas. It said "What if I fall? Oh but my darling what if you fly?" And it has given me a renewed resolve. Sure, there could be issues; issues can happen anyway, right? But I shouldn't give up on the basis of "what if's."

There's another saying I saw recently that said "You are not too old and it is not too late." And while it was written general on purpose to keep it applicable to a wide range of readers, it really struck home about my journey to motherhood. I'm going to keep these two quotes handy on the days when time seems to be slipping and my doubts creep in.