Making up my mind

11/15/2018

These past few months have been hard. For a while I was feeling defeated and just tired. I finally talked to Ben about it around this time last month and said I thought I was ready to be done trying for a baby. Truthfully, it was a relief to say it out loud. I felt a lot better once we talked about it. He was supportive and understood how I was feeling.

He asked if he should look into getting a vasectomy. And as relieved as I was talking about being ready to stop, I was not prepared for that question. Moreso, I wasn't prepared for the finality of that. It was a struggle for me because I couldn't figure out why I was reticent. If I was ready to be done, and have our family complete, then what was the problem?

I figured out after a week or so of feeling relieved what the problem was. I realized I was frustrated and sad and overthinking all the things that could come up if I did get pregnant, but what I wasn't was done. I still want another baby. It was still another couple of weeks before I talked to Ben about it, because first I felt silly reneging on what I had said, and second I wanted to make sure it was FOR REAL for real.

So, here I am, back to where I was before. Still frustrated, still sad, still overthinking, still STILL tired, but ok with being those things. I'm ready to be un-done.