Making up my mind

11/15/2018

These past few months have been hard. For a while I was feeling defeated and just tired. I finally talked to Ben about it around this time last month and said I thought I was ready to be done trying for a baby. Truthfully, it was a relief to say it out loud. I felt a lot better once we talked about it. He was supportive and understood how I was feeling.

He asked if he should look into getting a vasectomy. And as relieved as I was talking about being ready to stop, I was not prepared for that question. Moreso, I wasn't prepared for the finality of that. It was a struggle for me because I couldn't figure out why I was reticent. If I was ready to be done, and have our family complete, then what was the problem?

I figured out after a week or so of feeling relieved what the problem was. I realized I was frustrated and sad and overthinking all the things that could come up if I did get pregnant, but what I wasn't was done. I still want another baby. It was still another couple of weeks before I talked to Ben about it, because first I felt silly reneging on what I had said, and second I wanted to make sure it was FOR REAL for real.

So, here I am, back to where I was before. Still frustrated, still sad, still overthinking, still STILL tired, but ok with being those things. I'm ready to be un-done.

I don’t know...

August 26,2018

It’s been almost a year and a half since the miscarriage, but I swear it feels like yesterday. I don’t know...

And yet, when I think about how long we’ve been trying for a baby again (since January), it feels like forever. I don’t know if I have it in me to keep trying. Sometimes I look at Jonas and am so lucky to be his mom and decide that it’s ok to just be Jonas’s mom. Then other times I look at Jonas and want so badly for him to have a sibling, to share his life with them, to share our family with them. I know I have so much more love to give to another child, but I don’t know...

Part of me wants to just let it all go and give up trying for a baby. I almost did back in May when Jonas’s IQ eval came back so low. I really had to reflect on whether I should focus on helping Jonas be successful rather than adding another child into the mix. That month and the month my grandmother passed away were complete wastes in our efforts for conception. I told Ben at that time that I wanted us to wait two weeks, muse on it and talk about it again. We decided we wanted to keep trying. But now I don’t know...

The other part of me wonders if I will be able to forgive myself if I walk away from trying. Ben has suggested talking to the obgyn about fertility options. I still haven’t made the appointment. I don’t know if I want to, but I don’t know if thats fair to him. I almost feel like at this point, if I’m not going to get pregnant unassisted I might as well call it a day, because I really don’t want to go though a rigamarol of spent money and tests and anxiety and who knows what medication just to maybe get pregnant in my late 30s. But we want this baby so badly. I don’t know...

I know there is always adoption or fostering, but if I’m already hesitant to spend money on fertility options, adoption is way more expensive. And fostering would just break my heart. If it’s not going to happen, then that’s ok. I am so very happy to have Jonas and it’s good enough for me. But am I robbing Jonas of the opportunity of having a sibling just out of inconvenience? I don’t know...

I just don’t know...

Reality check

7/30/17 The last post I wrote was before my first prenatal appointment. While they did not think I was miscarrying at the time, I did not continue to progress in the pregnancy and on May 25 at 10 weeks and 2 days I had a D&C.

I want to say it was a hard decision to do the D&C rather than miscarry on my own, but it really wasn't. I had been worrying for weeks already about whether I was or was not miscarrying, and having more uncertainty as to when it would happen naturally was not something I wanted to go through. So, two days after the ultrasound that confirmed that the baby (we named "Baby Sonnie" to complement the "Baby Mumfy" name Jonas was given in his early fetal days) had not developed, I was in the hospital for surgery.

It was actually good that I did opt for a D&C because the ultrasound had shown a potential for a molar pregnancy, and it turns out that I did have a partial molar pregnancy, which is a genetic abnormality that prevents a baby from growing. I am getting regular HCG tests to make sure it went and stays at a zero level. At first it was weekly, starting at 9, then 2, then 0. Now it is monthly and will be for the next five months until we get the all-clear to try to get pregnant again.

The last two months have been extremely hard. Ben and I are going to a counselor this week to be proactive with processing our grief. I am worried that I am depressed. I've been trying so hard to be positive and approach the whole situation with a healthy outlook, but it has been a long time since I have been happy. Ben and Jonas give me happiness. It's not that I am unhappy with my life, I just feel flat and unmotivated and incomplete. I'm hoping something comes from the appointment with the counselor. My OBGYN has already asked if I have thought about trying anti-depressants, but I wanted to try counseling first.

Fingers crossed.

The more things change, the more they stay the same...

Just when I was getting used to how my body had changed off of birth control, it goes and spits in my face. "How dare you?" it says to me. "You think you know me? You don't know me." I imagine it as a trashy woman from Jerry Springer. It has truly made these last 13 months a more difficult process. At first I was really happy because I used to be in so much physical pain. Now, I would gladly take the pain back if it meant I was predictable, or even pregnant.

I'm glad I wrote the blog about my going through the 5 stages of grief. I can re-read it and remind myself that how I'm feeling is something I have felt many times before and I'm not broken. The coming weeks until the doctor's appointment are going to be hell.

I don't know what I'm going to do when I actually do get pregnant. I don't think I'll believe it. I'm so used to not being pregnant that it wouldn't seem real. I'd probably be in denial for several days, if not weeks. I wouldn't want to get my hopes up completely. It's really sad that I'm so jaded. I don't want to be, but when all I've known is disappointment, I think it will be hard to accept success outright. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

What to say...

I don't know what to say. I know I want to say something, but it's hard to put it into words. I have a jumble of emotions in my soul that all beg for equal attention. I was three days late this month. It's took me more days than I prefer to say it out loud to anyone other than Ben. For three days we allowed ourselves the chance to believe that we were pregnant. And then reality came like a guillotine.

I was reading something about infertility recently...breaking my own rule, I know. The author said that they believe that people who struggle with infertility go through the five stages of grief. It stopped me in my tracks. I realized that every month, I do. I'm so sorry to everyone that has come in contact with me during that period of time. I know I'm not pleasant to be around when I'm dealing with my own demons.

So what does it look like, for me at least? I'll give you a glimpse.

Stage 1: Denial--Usually days 1-3 "Maybe it's just implantation bleeding. It could be, right? It really does happen, so it's reasonable it'd happen to me. Right? I'm going to take these two pregnancy tests just to make sure."

Stage 2: Anger--This month it was in tandem with Stage 1, but usually on days 3-5 "Why isn't it working? What am I doing wrong? How are teenagers and deadbeats and teenage deadbeats getting pregnant and not me? I can't look at babies or pregnant women without feeling jealous. I hate this."

Stage 3: Bargaining--Usually days 5-7 "I'd rather be pregnant than lose all the weight that I've lost. I'd rather have a baby than have full nights' sleep. I'd rather have a baby than have a landscaper (our lawn mower broke). What do I need to do to make it happen? Prenatal vitamins? Done! Sweet Potatoes? Done! Stand on my head? Done! Can I have a baby now?"

Stage 4: Depression--Usually days 1-13 "Nothing I/we do is working. Maybe it's not meant to be. I don't know if I can go through this again. Why do I do this to myself? I might as well just give up trying. It's never going to happen."

Stage 5: Acceptance--Usually day 14 or so, sometimes earlier "Dear God, I need all the strength I can get. I know you have a plan, so here we go again. Another month, another opportunity to keep trying!"



I was angry for the entire day when reality showed up--angry at myself for getting my hopes up, angry at my life for taking so long to be ready to try for a baby, angry at my body for not actually being pregnant but making me think for a very long three days that I was, angry at everyone and no one at the same time. Most of the time, the anger is coupled with sadness. But this time the anger was too overwhelming. I'm still angry thinking about it, but now I'm more sad than anything. Talk to me again in two weeks and I should be fine again.

Dear baby... (2)

Dear baby,

You won't be joining us this month. While it is hard for me to accept, I must. As I've said before, amazing things take time and you are no exception. Your dad held me yesterday as I wept into his shirt and told me that we were getting all the bad batches out of our system first before we could have an amazing baby. Ok, he used another word other than bad, but it's not a word I want your little ears to hear, so I picked a synonym.

I think I'll tell you about your dad this time. Here are some things to know about him.

-He is a very, very good man. You are very lucky to have a dad like him, and I am lucky to have a husband like him. He will help you grow up to be a good person and a good citizen...the latter probably better than me. ;)

-I'm proud that he is an Eagle Scout. There have been some issues lately around the BSA that have created a not-so-nice view of the scouts. I hope that by the time you are here and will be participating in some form of scouting, that a more welcoming policy has been put in place. Regardless, the scouting movement, apart from its beaurocratic parent organization, stands for loyalty, bravery, kindness and reverence, among others. All of those things are good qualities to have or strive for. He is also a Minisino (one day maybe your Uncle Luke or your dad could explain what that is) and Order of the Arrow brotherhood (which your Grandpa Mike can explain as well).

-He is a talented storyteller. He loves to captivate his audience as he entertains them with his words. He is able to think of ways to describe things that are simple to understand, yet capture his point well. Many times it includes humor. This will be a benefit in his law career. Right now we don't know how that will turn out, but we are hopeful it will be a good process and outcome. It will also be a benefit as a parent. I can't wait to hear him tell you stories.

-He is very close with his family. He and his brother, your Uncle Matt, have a wonderful relationship, even though they are 15 years apart. Your Aunt Emily is very special to him, too, and they enjoy poking fun at each other. His relationship with his parents is one that he cherishes. He can talk to your Grandma Dana about nearly anything and he has so much in common with your Grandpa Mike.

-He is a nerd. He loves to play games like D&D, Dark Heresy, L5R, Minecraft and Fable. In fact, he plays some of these games with me, his family, your Grandpa Bruce and Uncle Luke, and your Uncle Keith and Aunt Sara. Who knows what games will look like or be like when you are old enough to play and appreciate. Be thankful that you have your dad, because if it were up to me, electronics would be used at an absolute minimum. He will be the influence that keeps our parenting balanced.

-He and I both are very much looking forward to having you in our lives. He will do anything in his power for you. So, I don't know how many more bad batches we have to get out of our system before we have you, but it will be worth it.

What women want

Have you seen the movie "What Women Want" with Mel Gibson? Well, there is a character that is played by Judy Greer. Because Mel's character can hear what women think (that's not a spoiler, right? Lol), he has unique insight to what she is thinking, when to the rest of the office she's just the quiet file clerk. At one point, Mel's character tells Judy's character that she seems sad, and she responds "You could sense that?" It's a very minor part of the story, but one that I identified with today.

At least twice that I can remember specifically lately, possibly more because I've noticed a pattern now, people (both those who interact with me regularly and those who don't) have asked if I'm ok and mentioned that I seemed sad. Now, granted the one today was when I was trying to count handouts for a training, so I don't really know what her expectation for how I was supposed to look like was. But still the question was asked. I had the same reaction in my head that Judy's character had: "Can they really sense it?" I wondered if, to these people who are remarking on how I look sad, my genuine sadness over the struggle with conception is coming through. And if they are the people who are remarking on it, how many more people think it without saying anything? Is my sadness bleeding over into my everyday life and not just when I'm actively concerned with it?

I like to think that I've been pretty strong and have kept my frustrations and sadness from being public fairly well, unless I choose to share them publicly. It worries me that I may not be doing as good of a job at it as I think I am, and don't know if it's something that needs further attention. I do know that it's on my radar now and I can be more intentional about reflecting on/deciding whether I need to devote attention to it. Until then, I'll try not to look sad, because I really do have a ton to be happy about and just one thing to be sad about.