Making up my mind

11/15/2018

These past few months have been hard. For a while I was feeling defeated and just tired. I finally talked to Ben about it around this time last month and said I thought I was ready to be done trying for a baby. Truthfully, it was a relief to say it out loud. I felt a lot better once we talked about it. He was supportive and understood how I was feeling.

He asked if he should look into getting a vasectomy. And as relieved as I was talking about being ready to stop, I was not prepared for that question. Moreso, I wasn't prepared for the finality of that. It was a struggle for me because I couldn't figure out why I was reticent. If I was ready to be done, and have our family complete, then what was the problem?

I figured out after a week or so of feeling relieved what the problem was. I realized I was frustrated and sad and overthinking all the things that could come up if I did get pregnant, but what I wasn't was done. I still want another baby. It was still another couple of weeks before I talked to Ben about it, because first I felt silly reneging on what I had said, and second I wanted to make sure it was FOR REAL for real.

So, here I am, back to where I was before. Still frustrated, still sad, still overthinking, still STILL tired, but ok with being those things. I'm ready to be un-done.

I don’t know...

August 26,2018

It’s been almost a year and a half since the miscarriage, but I swear it feels like yesterday. I don’t know...

And yet, when I think about how long we’ve been trying for a baby again (since January), it feels like forever. I don’t know if I have it in me to keep trying. Sometimes I look at Jonas and am so lucky to be his mom and decide that it’s ok to just be Jonas’s mom. Then other times I look at Jonas and want so badly for him to have a sibling, to share his life with them, to share our family with them. I know I have so much more love to give to another child, but I don’t know...

Part of me wants to just let it all go and give up trying for a baby. I almost did back in May when Jonas’s IQ eval came back so low. I really had to reflect on whether I should focus on helping Jonas be successful rather than adding another child into the mix. That month and the month my grandmother passed away were complete wastes in our efforts for conception. I told Ben at that time that I wanted us to wait two weeks, muse on it and talk about it again. We decided we wanted to keep trying. But now I don’t know...

The other part of me wonders if I will be able to forgive myself if I walk away from trying. Ben has suggested talking to the obgyn about fertility options. I still haven’t made the appointment. I don’t know if I want to, but I don’t know if thats fair to him. I almost feel like at this point, if I’m not going to get pregnant unassisted I might as well call it a day, because I really don’t want to go though a rigamarol of spent money and tests and anxiety and who knows what medication just to maybe get pregnant in my late 30s. But we want this baby so badly. I don’t know...

I know there is always adoption or fostering, but if I’m already hesitant to spend money on fertility options, adoption is way more expensive. And fostering would just break my heart. If it’s not going to happen, then that’s ok. I am so very happy to have Jonas and it’s good enough for me. But am I robbing Jonas of the opportunity of having a sibling just out of inconvenience? I don’t know...

I just don’t know...

A new journey

4/15/17 I promise, I didn't forget about you! I've just been busy learning how to be a new mom. Jonas brings new challenges and joys every day! It's a wonder I remember to change my contact lenses!

I have another journey to motherhood that I'm embarking on! Ben and I discovered we were pregnant with our second child this week! We are excited and nervous about expanding our family. This won't be posted until we make it public, but I wanted to put it down in words while I still remember how it feels.

I thought I was due for my cycle on Tuesday, but once I checked it was actually supposed to be Monday. The last few months have had some false hope and I would wait a day or two to take the test just for it to be negative. I decided this month that I just wanted to get it out of the way so I wouldn't stress for two days just to have another negative test. To my surprise, it was positive! I wanted to give Ben his "Dad" picture frame again, but I couldn't find it. I asked him where it was (it had actually come up in conversation recently, so Ben wasn't suspicious by my question). He wasn't sure, but said he would find it. I told him he might need it. That was when he caught on and asked if I was pregnant. I said yes!

If I'm being honest, I'm worried about my age in regard to the pregnancy. I was 16 days shy of my 35th birthday when I found out I was pregnant. It's one of those scary numbers that looms over a woman and is sort of the 11th hour of her biological clock. I don't feel old. I don't feel as though my odds for complications should be higher, but they are. I'm being more careful of what I'm eating now, and trying to get back to a healthy weight for when I start to gain it again from the pregnancy. I am doing my best to stay away from sick children at work. I'm trying to be in tune with my body and rest when I need to rest and understand what my limitations are. I don't want to do something that could add to any potential complications. Ben and I tried for 11 months this time (Jonas took 13 months) and I'm ready to take on the next step of nurturing the little being inside me!

I scheduled my ob appointment. They wanted to wait until I'm 8 weeks along. AGONY!! I think we were spoiled with Jonas's pregnancy. I honestly didn't believe the pregnancy test and we already had an appointment scheduled (which was actually why I took the test in the first place) so I just kept it. Within a week of finding out we were pregnant with Jonas, we had a doctor appointment, a HCG test and an ultrasound. And now I have to wait another month just to get in to the doctor! From what I read, though, it's pretty common. It doesn't make it easier, though. Haha I'm looking forward to getting to that milestone so we can set our eyes on the next landmark on our journey. Wish us well!

Hopes and fears

5/10/17 My first prenatal doctor appointment is in two days. I have spent the better part of the last two and a half weeks spotting lightly (sorry TMI), and I am worried that I could be miscarrying. When I was pregnant with Jonas, well let me rephrase that, before I knew I was pregnant with Jonas I had eleven days of spotting that I thought was my period. This time around, I had no period for two weeks and then began spotting. That was three Sundays ago. I know spotting is common and isn't necessarily cause for concern, but I also know it might be cause for concern. It has never been heavy and really no cramps to speak of other than a twinge here and there that is also normal.

Jonas yesterday as I was putting him to bed kissed me twice on the stomach. My son is very affectionate. He has thrown an epic tantrum before because I told him he could not kiss the parking lot puddle. One day as he was getting dressed for school, he insisted on hugging each article of clothing before putting it on. Random kisses on the cheek, but more often smack on the lips, happen multiple times a day. But to be given kisses on my stomach was unexpected. I asked him why he kissed me there and he either couldn't or wouldn't tell me.

He does not know that I am pregnant. It is too abstract of a concept for him to understand right now. I'm not entirely certain when we will tell him, but we haven't even made it public yet, so it seems too early to expect a three year old to understand that mommy is growing another baby inside her when mommy doesn't look any different. And the waiting...oh Lordy it's going to be hard enough once I do start showing explaining that there are still several months before the baby will be here. The longer we can give ourselves to avoid that, I will. So, the fact that he kissed me on the stomach was even more out of context given that he doesn't know I'm pregnant. I choose to take comfort in the act, however. Comfort in his natural love and unspoken prayer for a sibling he will never meet if I did miscarry, or comfort in his innate hospitality and intuitive well wishes for a continued healthy pregnancy, is still undetermined. But, whichever comfort I will need, I know I can get it not only from my amazing son, but my incredible husband, my wonderful family and my fabulous friends. I have a strong support system and there is nothing I can't face with them by my side, whether it is sharing in mourning or sharing in joy.

I'm hopeful that we will be sharing joy, yet I can't quiet the fear that there may be grief. But I will find comfort in my blessings.

Reality check

7/30/17 The last post I wrote was before my first prenatal appointment. While they did not think I was miscarrying at the time, I did not continue to progress in the pregnancy and on May 25 at 10 weeks and 2 days I had a D&C.

I want to say it was a hard decision to do the D&C rather than miscarry on my own, but it really wasn't. I had been worrying for weeks already about whether I was or was not miscarrying, and having more uncertainty as to when it would happen naturally was not something I wanted to go through. So, two days after the ultrasound that confirmed that the baby (we named "Baby Sonnie" to complement the "Baby Mumfy" name Jonas was given in his early fetal days) had not developed, I was in the hospital for surgery.

It was actually good that I did opt for a D&C because the ultrasound had shown a potential for a molar pregnancy, and it turns out that I did have a partial molar pregnancy, which is a genetic abnormality that prevents a baby from growing. I am getting regular HCG tests to make sure it went and stays at a zero level. At first it was weekly, starting at 9, then 2, then 0. Now it is monthly and will be for the next five months until we get the all-clear to try to get pregnant again.

The last two months have been extremely hard. Ben and I are going to a counselor this week to be proactive with processing our grief. I am worried that I am depressed. I've been trying so hard to be positive and approach the whole situation with a healthy outlook, but it has been a long time since I have been happy. Ben and Jonas give me happiness. It's not that I am unhappy with my life, I just feel flat and unmotivated and incomplete. I'm hoping something comes from the appointment with the counselor. My OBGYN has already asked if I have thought about trying anti-depressants, but I wanted to try counseling first.

Fingers crossed.

Time keeps on slipping

9/18/17 There are now fewer weeks until Christmas than there have been since my miscarriage. It does not seem like it should be mid-September. Time feels like it is crawling and whizzing by at the same time. I should be 27 weeks pregnant right now. My blood tests have all come back with good results. I'm looking forward to the new year when we can start trying again. But there is always a nagging feeling/voice/thought that the next test is going to indicate cancer...that I am not done fighting and I am done having children. If this is my family forever and ever amen I am ok with that but the unknowing of my situation is what plagues me.

As a 35 year old woman, I can practically feel my biological clock ticking. However, if the Duchess of Cambridge can have a healthy pregnancy at 35, so can I! I read a poem the other day that has stuck with me...sort of like "I Will Wait" did with Jonas. It said "What if I fall? Oh but my darling what if you fly?" And it has given me a renewed resolve. Sure, there could be issues; issues can happen anyway, right? But I shouldn't give up on the basis of "what if's."

There's another saying I saw recently that said "You are not too old and it is not too late." And while it was written general on purpose to keep it applicable to a wide range of readers, it really struck home about my journey to motherhood. I'm going to keep these two quotes handy on the days when time seems to be slipping and my doubts creep in.

Best laid plans

Oh my. It has been a while, hasn't it? I had all kinds of intentions for blogging--I even planned a follow-up to my "I Will Wait" blog from more than a year ago. Aaaannnnnndddddd it never happened. It might, still, but not today.

I'm currently 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Except I'm not. Nope, little baby Jonas had other plans. Two weeks ago exactly, at 37 weeks and 1 day, as I was getting out of bed to get ready for work, my water broke. When I called Ben to tell him, he wanted to make sure I hadn't actually peed my pants. Pretty sure peeing your pants doesn't happen involuntarily multiple times in succession. :p I called my boss to tell her I wouldn't be in and she asked how I was doing. I mentioned that I didn't really know how I was getting to the hospital since Ben was in Cinci, and she generously came and got me and drove me to the hospital.

I didn't start having contractions until Ben got there, close to an hour after my water had broken. They verified that it had, in fact, broken (apparently they wanted to make sure I hadn't peed my pants, too!) and then got me into a room. The first couple hours of contracting weren't bad...manageable at least. Time went by so very fast.

I was dilating ok and progressing as they would expect. But then the contractions got pretty painful. I opted to have some medication to help with the contractions, but it was still more than I felt I could handle. I tried getting in the bath (I had requested a room with a tub) and getting on the birthing ball, but neither offered enough relief to make it worth it. So, I chose to have an epidural after seven hours of contractions.

It made things quite a bit better. I dilated up to 8 1/2-9 inches quickly...as in, within 10 minutes. But then I stalled. For three hours I made no progress, the baby's heart rate dropped several times and they noticed that he hadn't descended into my pelvis. They were concerned that he wouldn't make it through my small pelvis and suggested considering a c-section. After talking it over with Ben, we decided that would be the best course of action and within a half hour, my son had joined us!

The last two weeks have been a wonderful and frazzling time. Jonas has grown more than half a pound from his birth weight and brings new experiences to our family every day.

Between issues with the cat jumping in the bassinet to honing our swaddling abilities to sorting our a night time schedule (which works most of the time), it has been an adventure. While our best laid plans haven't always gone the way we wanted, they haven't always gone awry, either. I'm ready to see where this little guy will take us and how we will grow together.

The journey isn't over now that he's here. It's just a new direction that we're headed in, and it is certain to change on us countless times over the next couple of decades as we continue on the journey. He is a precious addition to our lives and we are lucky to call ourselves his parents. Whatever our best laid plans may be through this journey, he is worth every bit of it.

Somewhat annoyed, somewhat nervous

Annoyed: The ob called today because apparently when I had my ultrasound last, the baby was measuring large...as in 95th percentile. Compared to the 77th he was in at the one 4 weeks before. They asked if the ultrasound people had mentioned that they wanted to do ANOTHER ultrasound. Um, no, in fact they hadn't even mentioned that he was measuring large. This also happened at the earlier ultrasound re: my low placenta and the possibility of pelvic rest.

It's frustrating to either get part if the information or none of it and then find out later. I spent an entire month on self-enforced pelvic rest because I was worried about hurting me or the baby before finding out it moved. Granted they were not able to predict that it would move, but the least they could have done was say whether pelvic rest was necessary or not. I had to get the wishy-washy warning from the doctor. Now I get a phone call a more than a week later "oh, they didn't tell you your baby grew 22% more than expected in 4 weeks?"



Nervous: I've been fretting about this all day since I got the call. I haven't gained an exorbitant amount of weight and the doctor measured me at the last visit and said everything looked fine, so where is this extra size coming from?

I'm concerned his increased size could be from gestational diabetes. I haven't gone for my blood glucose test yet--I planned to next week. Diabetes runs in my family on both sides, so it is likely I may be at a higher risk. Though, I looked up the diet I may get put on if I do have it...it's basically the same diet I follow now. :/

Also, I'm nervous about the cost of the ultrasounds that I'm getting. I like seeing my little baby Jonas, don't get me wrong. But money is tight and this being my first baby, I don't know what is necessary and what isn't. I don't want to have to spend money on something that I don't need.

Spreading the news

Second of several posts that remained hidden until the pregnancy was announced. This was written three weeks after it was confirmed that I was pregnant.

When you know you're pregnant and no one else does, it is excruciating. I found out three weeks ago and these three weeks have dragged beyond belief. We decided to wait to tell people for two reasons: first, my siblings' weddings are at the beginning of September and we didn't want to steal their rightly-earned thunder; second, the end of September marks the end of my first trimester, and we wanted to wait until the chance of miscarriage was lesser.

That's not to say that we didn't tell a few people. Well, few is not entirely accurate. Like I said, it's excruciating. We told our immediate families, of course. That we did right away. We also told close friends. The problem is we kept thinking of more close friends to tell. So, now while those who DO know don't outnumber those who don't know, there's still more than just a few. My hairdresser also knows, as does the cashier at my dad's favorite restaurant (she noticed me having indigestion and asked if the food was ok. I wanted to make sure she didn't think they had given me food poisoning, so I explained why). It is easier to tell strangers, honestly. Strangers you won't see again and the two reasons above to keep it quiet aren't an issue. It's a good happy medium between not telling anyone and telling the whole world.

Then there are the instances where you are stunned. My sister, her fiance and I were waiting for a flea market to open and a lady standing there with us asked me if we were going to be looking at baby items. After the split second it took me to have 9,000 questions run through my head (am I showing that much? does she have some pregnancy-radar? did my sister say something? is it a coincidence? does she think I'm someone else?), I just said "Not today..." I was at a center yesterday when the staff I was working with insisted on getting me a chair...because I was pregnant. She said that to me. Again, with the 9,000 questions. This time I didn't have as cogent of a response. I said "Um, what?" She explained that someone had told her the person who'd be working with her was pregnant. I asked who had told her that. She said her director. I clarified that she was probably thinking of a coworker of mine who had just given birth. But, I remember how badly people felt when they incorrectly assumed my extra tummy weight was a pregnancy (and sometimes I didn't have pity on them), so I shared that I was, in fact, pregnant but that it wasn't common knowledge and I was trying to figure out how she had known. I made sure to explain our reasons for not telling everyone and asked her and her director to keep my secret.

I wish I could tell people. Every time we decide to share it with someone else, I feel an incredible amount of joy. Sometimes we just come out and say it. Other times we do funny/cute things. For one friend, I tried to video tape her reaction to a picture of the positive pregnancy test. Her hand was over my phone's camera the whole time. At least you could hear her! Another friend asked how my (presumed infertility) doctor's appointment had gone. I walked him through the blood tests and the 2 urine tests in 40 minutes and then said that when the test results came back we'd know how far along I am. It took him a second, but he processed it and figured it out. For a friend of Ben's, we had planned on going to his wife's birthday party, but with our finances tight it wasn't going to work. We called to let them know and apologize and decided to share the news with them. When Ben had called, he asked to talk to both he and his wife. He explained that we were sorry we couldn't make it, but with money being tight and Janine being pregnant, we couldn't justify the trip. It was another second before it registered with them and I could hear the happy shouts through the phone.

I try to be respectful of those who I know have had difficulty like I did (some even more so). I know how I felt when I would find out people were pregnant, and I don't like being the person who may bring that feeling to them. If you're one of those people, I truly apologize for the pain and jealousy and resentment you feel. I wish there was something I could do for you, or some fool-proof advice I can give. All I can do is continue to try to be respectful of your feelings--acknowledge their validity, keep the pregnancy and baby-related talk to a minimum and always be willing to listen if you want to talk. Know that I will endeavor to do all those things, because I know what it's like and being pregnant now doesn't mean I'm no longer empathetic.

Members of the family

Around two months ago, I wrote a blog about the possibility of us getting another dog, among other things. Well, here we are and our household has indeed grown. Unfortunately for me, it wasn't because of a dog.

Meet Captain Argyle Augustus MacDuff, the newest and felinest member of our family!

Argyle is a 4 month old dusty orange tabby. His birthday is our anniversary! He is super sweet and friendly. His paws are so big! He is going to be huge. He and our dog, Mayhem, get along so well! They play and cuddle together. I look forward to seeing him grow up.

I can't forget about my awesome dog! Mayhem just turned 7 in April. I've had her since she was 2 years old. She loves to be loved on and is the least Jack Russell-y Jack Russell I've ever met. LOL Her favorite treat is ice cubes and she actually enjoys wearing dog clothes! She is so spoiled.

I love all the members of our family. I look forward to when I can say that it includes a baby. :)

Dear baby... (2)

Dear baby,

You won't be joining us this month. While it is hard for me to accept, I must. As I've said before, amazing things take time and you are no exception. Your dad held me yesterday as I wept into his shirt and told me that we were getting all the bad batches out of our system first before we could have an amazing baby. Ok, he used another word other than bad, but it's not a word I want your little ears to hear, so I picked a synonym.

I think I'll tell you about your dad this time. Here are some things to know about him.

-He is a very, very good man. You are very lucky to have a dad like him, and I am lucky to have a husband like him. He will help you grow up to be a good person and a good citizen...the latter probably better than me. ;)

-I'm proud that he is an Eagle Scout. There have been some issues lately around the BSA that have created a not-so-nice view of the scouts. I hope that by the time you are here and will be participating in some form of scouting, that a more welcoming policy has been put in place. Regardless, the scouting movement, apart from its beaurocratic parent organization, stands for loyalty, bravery, kindness and reverence, among others. All of those things are good qualities to have or strive for. He is also a Minisino (one day maybe your Uncle Luke or your dad could explain what that is) and Order of the Arrow brotherhood (which your Grandpa Mike can explain as well).

-He is a talented storyteller. He loves to captivate his audience as he entertains them with his words. He is able to think of ways to describe things that are simple to understand, yet capture his point well. Many times it includes humor. This will be a benefit in his law career. Right now we don't know how that will turn out, but we are hopeful it will be a good process and outcome. It will also be a benefit as a parent. I can't wait to hear him tell you stories.

-He is very close with his family. He and his brother, your Uncle Matt, have a wonderful relationship, even though they are 15 years apart. Your Aunt Emily is very special to him, too, and they enjoy poking fun at each other. His relationship with his parents is one that he cherishes. He can talk to your Grandma Dana about nearly anything and he has so much in common with your Grandpa Mike.

-He is a nerd. He loves to play games like D&D, Dark Heresy, L5R, Minecraft and Fable. In fact, he plays some of these games with me, his family, your Grandpa Bruce and Uncle Luke, and your Uncle Keith and Aunt Sara. Who knows what games will look like or be like when you are old enough to play and appreciate. Be thankful that you have your dad, because if it were up to me, electronics would be used at an absolute minimum. He will be the influence that keeps our parenting balanced.

-He and I both are very much looking forward to having you in our lives. He will do anything in his power for you. So, I don't know how many more bad batches we have to get out of our system before we have you, but it will be worth it.

Dear baby...

Dear baby,

Hi, I'm your mom. Well, to be honest, I'm not your mom right this second. You aren't even a twinkle in my eye, so I'm not mom quite yet. But, I am ready to be! I thought this would be as good of a time as any to introduce myself. Here are some things about me that you may or may not learn over the many, many years we'll spend together.

-I love to dance. Your dad and I enjoy dancing together, whether it's spontaneously twirling me in the middle of the grocery store, pulling each other into a waltz in the kitchen or going to dance events. It's an activity we like sharing, and I hope it gets passed on to you!

-I also love to sing. Karaoke is a blast. I may not have the best voice, but I don't think I'm too bad, either. I look forward to singing you to sleep or belting out our favorite lyrics in the car.

-I'm pretty darn creative if I do say so myself. I don't know why...things just seem to come to me. A friend the other day told me that I was always thinking. It wasn't in a mean way, but a funny way. She was right! Maybe that's part of being creative is that my brain is always churning and thinking of new ways to do things.

-I'm also pretty logical and analytical. I really like looking at numbers, data, statistics and getting it to make sense, finding the patterns and applying it to my problems. I'm not as analytical as your Uncle Luke, but we can't all be perfect. :)

-I love to go to the thrift store. It is one of my most favorite things to do with your Aunt Sara. First of all, the clothes are inexpensive. Second of all, it's fun looking for a diamond in the rough, that awesome cashmere sweater or leather jacket that you can snatch up. Third of all, we like going into the fancy la-di-da dresses and finding the most hideous one. Going to the thrift store was something I enjoyed doing with my mom growing up, and I can't wait to have those adventures with you, too.

-I'm kind of crazy and goofy and silly. I also know when it's important to be structured and serious and responsible. You have to find a balance that will work for you. Life can't all be fun and games, but it can't all be boring and buttoned-up, either.

-I truly enjoy my job working with child care centers. We help so many programs do lots of good things for children just like you. It makes me so happy to be able to support those children and help their teachers do the best they can for them. I don't know if I will be working when you arrive, or if I am, if I will still be working at 4C. But, it's one of my passions right now.

-I was married before I met your dad. My husband's name was Bryan. We started dating when I was in high school and were together for four years before we got married. Our marriage lasted less than a year before we separated and soon got divorced. We were young when we got married. I was 22 and he was 23. That may not seem young to you, but it is when you're talking about knowing who you are and how who you are will fit with the other person. Neither one of us were prepared to be married. Bryan still had things he wanted to do for himself. I was relying on him a lot after my mom had died and didn't realize how much I was asking of him. It was not a good decision for us to get married when we did, but I wouldn't change it for the world. It made me the person I am today and the wife I am today. If I had not had that experience, it's possible your dad and I never would have met. There are a lot of people in the world who get married as young as I did, or younger, and have very successful marriages. I want you to have a successful marriage. The best advice I can give is to be secure and confident in yourself before you connect your life with someone else's. That doesn't have an age minimum associated with it, but it is a very abstract idea and one that is difficult to gauge at any age. I will be there if you need me to help you figure it out.

-Your dad and I love each other very much. I like to think we have a really good marriage. I hope that it is as strong when we have you as it is now, if not stronger. I know we will need to change in our relationship in order to be good parents for you, but I want to model a positive, loving home environment for you. We may show affection to each other. A lot. It's because we love each other so much and we want to express it. I'd rather embarrass you by being kissy-kissy with your dad than something scary, shameful or harmful.

-I love you very much. Like I said earlier, you're not even you yet, and I already love you. I can't imagine what my life is going to be like with you, but I'm sure as soon as you're here, I won't be able to imagine my life without you.

Sooooo cute!!

I promised this one would be a positive post, and I plan to keep that promise.

Last week, my family and I went out for dinner for my birthday and my brother's fiancee's birthday. As we ate, there was a TV the restaurant had playing and a show that I had never heard of came on...Bet on Your Baby. The title made me think "Whaaaatttt??" but the show is adorable!

Basically, there are "challenges" that a parent and a baby have to complete in a play room while the other parent stays on the stage and bets how successful they will be. Anyone who has been around babies/toddlers knows how unpredictable they can be, and the show cashes in on that, literally! LOL

The best part? The money the families win go toward the child's college fund. Not only is it adorable and hilarious watching the little children in the playroom trying to complete the challenges (such as stacking cookies, knocking over certain colored block towers, or kicking a ball into a goal), but I can't think of a better way to use the money they win.

Of course, my family made fun of me--good naturedly--at the fact that I was enthralled with the show at dinner. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a cute baby. What they don't know is I just found it on the cable Free On Demand channel. I kind of just watched another episode all by myself. I'm not ashamed!!!

Another year older

Hopefully not deeper in debt! :)

My birthday came last week. Not a huge milestone...30 was last year. I remember being in my 20s and wanting to have a baby by the time I was 30, at least one. Getting married to my first husband at 22 made that seem like a reasonable goal. Divorcing at 23 put a crimp in it, but I didn't think much of it, especially when I married again at 28. About halfway through 29, I accepted the fact that I wouldn't have a baby by 30. Now here I am at 31 and it's somewhat easier to accept that life doesn't always go the way you plan. I also know that it's now probable that I'll be 32 or older by the time we finally do have a baby. Ben is 2 1/2 years my junior, so it's possible that he will be a father before 30.

The hardest thing for me to accept is my comparison to my mother. I know I shouldn't. I do anyway. I am the oldest of my siblings. I was conceived two months after my parents' wedding and my mom was 29 when I was born. I always thought 29 was old to start a family. By the time my mom was 31, she had both me and my brother. By the time she was 48, she had passed away. It's extremely hard knowing all of this and being faced with month after disappointing month of trying to conceive.

I worry about how long I will have with my children. I have been proactive--in the last 5 years I've had 2 ultrasounds done on my ovaries (and uterus). Both have been normal, aside from one of my ovaries being located south of my uterus rather than north of it. One would think that if something were present on/in my uterus that would be the cause of this issue, it might be visible on the ultrasounds. The most recent one was shortly before Ben and I started actively trying for a baby. Sometimes I can't help feeling like I'm living on borrowed time and I ache at the thought that every day, month, year that I go without a child is one less day, month, year I'll have with them.

Sorry to bum you out. I'm sitting here crying as I type. I've had to go blow my nose once already. My next blog entry will be positive, I promise. Even if I feel compelled to write a tough one again, I will write a positive one first. I do have a lot to be thankful for. Bring it on, 31, I'm ready for you!

A shift in thinking

It's amazing how just the idea of having children can change how you start thinking about things.

For instance, Ben and I have been discussing getting another dog. Our dog has been with other dogs almost the whole time I've had her. We've noticed that she seems to be a little lonely since we started living by ourselves, and when other dogs come to visit she is happier. We had decided to wait until Ben had a job, so we would have extra money for a second pet. I had a thought the other day, though. If we wait until he has a job, which may be August or later, we may already be pregnant at that point (oh, Lord I hope so...) and would be faced with a new dog and shortly after a baby. The sooner we get another dog, the more time we have to get it acclimated. So, we're going to be looking at dogs to adopt soon.

Another shift in thinking was when we were buying a bed recently. We debated whether we would get another queen or get a king size instead. The things we considered were the space in our bedroom, the need of another mattress, and the possibility of little children finding their way there from bad dreams or fussy nights. We had all but settled on a king until we saw the price of king size mattresses. Holy moly. We decided that was definitely a purchase that could wait and stuck with a queen. We'll just have to get cozy on those fussy nights.

It's not just purchases that shift our thinking, though. We've talked about how our choice of words will need to change (we each have our favorite blue words), how our relationship will be different and in what ways we'll need to baby-proof the house. I'm glad we have these conversations, but I know there are things we haven't even realized need to be addressed. We'll figure it out together and I can't express how blessed I feel to have such an amazing partner in life. I'm so happy to share this journey with him, and I know he will be a fantastic father. There is no shift in thinking there at all.

Some days are harder...

Another month and no conception. It's been nine months of trying now. It seems strange to me that if Ben and I had conceived the first month we started trying, we would nearly have a baby right now. As it is, we won't have a baby this year. Some days are harder to accept that than others.

I don't talk about my struggle much on Facebook. It's not something I like sharing and I also don't want to have some cheese with my whine. I did the other day, though, when I found out we weren't pregnant again. I tried not to be heavy handed about it, but did express my frustration and said that things were hard. I got a lot of positive support, which I was very grateful for. Several friends said that it would happen when it is meant to and not to get discouraged. Several others offered listening ears. I am so lucky to have supportive friends and family.

I had a hard enough time talking about it on Facebook and an even harder time deciding to make this blog public. It's not that I don't appreciate the feedback and offers to swap tales of frustration, I do appreciate it. I pray and tell myself every day that it will happen in it's own time and that I should stay optimistic. Most days it works. Some days it doesn't. As strange as it sounds, I would rather not talk to others who have struggled with conception. I don't frequent message boards on the topic, nor do I seek it out in general conversation. Seeing and hearing others who are having trouble discourages me. It makes me think it will never happen for us. I want to stay positive and discussing negative things challenges that positivity.

However, I have not experienced a miscarriage (that I'm aware of) and I have resolved that if I ever do, I will need to talk to people about it. It won't be something I think I could handle privately. A friend suggested to me that I not announce my pregnancy until after the first trimester in case I do miscarry. I completely understand her logic, but I would NEED the strength of my friends and family at that point to help me through. I can't internalize that much sadness.

Ben has been wonderful these past nine months, really like always. I see that he is happily ready to start a family with me and shares my disappointment when we find out that we didn't conceive that month. I tend to take it harder than he does. But, if we were both blubbering messes I doubt it would be very helpful. It's good that he is strong when I am weak.

The doctor said when I was there a few months ago that I needed to wait until we'd been trying for a year before they'd do fertility tests. I was thinking about it the other day and as hard as I think it would be, I will probably wait until it's been 13 months to make an appointment, for multiple reasons. First, to ensure that an entire year has passed and that it won't finally happen in the next month after a year (especially since depending on who you talk to, birth control use can inhibit fertilization up to a year and I was on birth control for more than a third of my life). Second, Ben is going to be taking the bar at the end of July and studying practically from graduation until that time. We probably won't see each other hardly at all during that time, much less be able to find some free time we could attend an appointment together. So, if I wait until August, assuming we still haven't conceived, we will have thirteen months under our belts as well as a more forgiving schedule. I'm not terribly happy about it, but I think it will be for the best.

Until then, some days will still be harder and I just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

Sharing is caring

There are so many things I want to share with you! I have told your dad, in no uncertain terms, that as soon as we find out you'll be joining us, we're getting a membership to a pool. I want to be able to share the experience of being in the water and swimming with you from day one. I believe it is a crucial to have even a basic knowledge of how to swim, but my hope is you'll be like a little fish.

I will tell you stories of your Grandma Annie, whom you'll never be able to meet. Keeping her memory alive and sharing with you all the things I loved about her, and even the struggles we had together, is extremely important to me. She would be so proud to be your Grandma! I only hope you get to meet your Grandpa Bruce, too, and can remember meeting him. I don't remember my dad's parents, and it has made me sad many times. Your Grandma Dana and Grandpa Mike will love every inch of you, as well as your Uncles Matt, Luke and Keith and Aunts Emily, Sara and Christine. There is so much they can teach you that I can't. I am excited to share your life with them!

I want to share all kinds of foods I love (and even some I don't...just because I hate peas doesn't mean you will), all kinds of new places to visit, all kinds of songs and books and dances and pictures that will stimulate all kinds of who-knows-what in your little brain, all kinds of memories we'll create together and remember until we're in our twilight years.

All this and more I want to share. Because sharing is caring and I can't describe how much I care about you and love you already...your dad and I both (he hasn't read this yet, but I feel confident speaking for him). We can't wait to meet you!