I don’t know...

August 26,2018

It’s been almost a year and a half since the miscarriage, but I swear it feels like yesterday. I don’t know...

And yet, when I think about how long we’ve been trying for a baby again (since January), it feels like forever. I don’t know if I have it in me to keep trying. Sometimes I look at Jonas and am so lucky to be his mom and decide that it’s ok to just be Jonas’s mom. Then other times I look at Jonas and want so badly for him to have a sibling, to share his life with them, to share our family with them. I know I have so much more love to give to another child, but I don’t know...

Part of me wants to just let it all go and give up trying for a baby. I almost did back in May when Jonas’s IQ eval came back so low. I really had to reflect on whether I should focus on helping Jonas be successful rather than adding another child into the mix. That month and the month my grandmother passed away were complete wastes in our efforts for conception. I told Ben at that time that I wanted us to wait two weeks, muse on it and talk about it again. We decided we wanted to keep trying. But now I don’t know...

The other part of me wonders if I will be able to forgive myself if I walk away from trying. Ben has suggested talking to the obgyn about fertility options. I still haven’t made the appointment. I don’t know if I want to, but I don’t know if thats fair to him. I almost feel like at this point, if I’m not going to get pregnant unassisted I might as well call it a day, because I really don’t want to go though a rigamarol of spent money and tests and anxiety and who knows what medication just to maybe get pregnant in my late 30s. But we want this baby so badly. I don’t know...

I know there is always adoption or fostering, but if I’m already hesitant to spend money on fertility options, adoption is way more expensive. And fostering would just break my heart. If it’s not going to happen, then that’s ok. I am so very happy to have Jonas and it’s good enough for me. But am I robbing Jonas of the opportunity of having a sibling just out of inconvenience? I don’t know...

I just don’t know...

A new journey

4/15/17 I promise, I didn't forget about you! I've just been busy learning how to be a new mom. Jonas brings new challenges and joys every day! It's a wonder I remember to change my contact lenses!

I have another journey to motherhood that I'm embarking on! Ben and I discovered we were pregnant with our second child this week! We are excited and nervous about expanding our family. This won't be posted until we make it public, but I wanted to put it down in words while I still remember how it feels.

I thought I was due for my cycle on Tuesday, but once I checked it was actually supposed to be Monday. The last few months have had some false hope and I would wait a day or two to take the test just for it to be negative. I decided this month that I just wanted to get it out of the way so I wouldn't stress for two days just to have another negative test. To my surprise, it was positive! I wanted to give Ben his "Dad" picture frame again, but I couldn't find it. I asked him where it was (it had actually come up in conversation recently, so Ben wasn't suspicious by my question). He wasn't sure, but said he would find it. I told him he might need it. That was when he caught on and asked if I was pregnant. I said yes!

If I'm being honest, I'm worried about my age in regard to the pregnancy. I was 16 days shy of my 35th birthday when I found out I was pregnant. It's one of those scary numbers that looms over a woman and is sort of the 11th hour of her biological clock. I don't feel old. I don't feel as though my odds for complications should be higher, but they are. I'm being more careful of what I'm eating now, and trying to get back to a healthy weight for when I start to gain it again from the pregnancy. I am doing my best to stay away from sick children at work. I'm trying to be in tune with my body and rest when I need to rest and understand what my limitations are. I don't want to do something that could add to any potential complications. Ben and I tried for 11 months this time (Jonas took 13 months) and I'm ready to take on the next step of nurturing the little being inside me!

I scheduled my ob appointment. They wanted to wait until I'm 8 weeks along. AGONY!! I think we were spoiled with Jonas's pregnancy. I honestly didn't believe the pregnancy test and we already had an appointment scheduled (which was actually why I took the test in the first place) so I just kept it. Within a week of finding out we were pregnant with Jonas, we had a doctor appointment, a HCG test and an ultrasound. And now I have to wait another month just to get in to the doctor! From what I read, though, it's pretty common. It doesn't make it easier, though. Haha I'm looking forward to getting to that milestone so we can set our eyes on the next landmark on our journey. Wish us well!

Hopes and fears

5/10/17 My first prenatal doctor appointment is in two days. I have spent the better part of the last two and a half weeks spotting lightly (sorry TMI), and I am worried that I could be miscarrying. When I was pregnant with Jonas, well let me rephrase that, before I knew I was pregnant with Jonas I had eleven days of spotting that I thought was my period. This time around, I had no period for two weeks and then began spotting. That was three Sundays ago. I know spotting is common and isn't necessarily cause for concern, but I also know it might be cause for concern. It has never been heavy and really no cramps to speak of other than a twinge here and there that is also normal.

Jonas yesterday as I was putting him to bed kissed me twice on the stomach. My son is very affectionate. He has thrown an epic tantrum before because I told him he could not kiss the parking lot puddle. One day as he was getting dressed for school, he insisted on hugging each article of clothing before putting it on. Random kisses on the cheek, but more often smack on the lips, happen multiple times a day. But to be given kisses on my stomach was unexpected. I asked him why he kissed me there and he either couldn't or wouldn't tell me.

He does not know that I am pregnant. It is too abstract of a concept for him to understand right now. I'm not entirely certain when we will tell him, but we haven't even made it public yet, so it seems too early to expect a three year old to understand that mommy is growing another baby inside her when mommy doesn't look any different. And the waiting...oh Lordy it's going to be hard enough once I do start showing explaining that there are still several months before the baby will be here. The longer we can give ourselves to avoid that, I will. So, the fact that he kissed me on the stomach was even more out of context given that he doesn't know I'm pregnant. I choose to take comfort in the act, however. Comfort in his natural love and unspoken prayer for a sibling he will never meet if I did miscarry, or comfort in his innate hospitality and intuitive well wishes for a continued healthy pregnancy, is still undetermined. But, whichever comfort I will need, I know I can get it not only from my amazing son, but my incredible husband, my wonderful family and my fabulous friends. I have a strong support system and there is nothing I can't face with them by my side, whether it is sharing in mourning or sharing in joy.

I'm hopeful that we will be sharing joy, yet I can't quiet the fear that there may be grief. But I will find comfort in my blessings.

Reality check

7/30/17 The last post I wrote was before my first prenatal appointment. While they did not think I was miscarrying at the time, I did not continue to progress in the pregnancy and on May 25 at 10 weeks and 2 days I had a D&C.

I want to say it was a hard decision to do the D&C rather than miscarry on my own, but it really wasn't. I had been worrying for weeks already about whether I was or was not miscarrying, and having more uncertainty as to when it would happen naturally was not something I wanted to go through. So, two days after the ultrasound that confirmed that the baby (we named "Baby Sonnie" to complement the "Baby Mumfy" name Jonas was given in his early fetal days) had not developed, I was in the hospital for surgery.

It was actually good that I did opt for a D&C because the ultrasound had shown a potential for a molar pregnancy, and it turns out that I did have a partial molar pregnancy, which is a genetic abnormality that prevents a baby from growing. I am getting regular HCG tests to make sure it went and stays at a zero level. At first it was weekly, starting at 9, then 2, then 0. Now it is monthly and will be for the next five months until we get the all-clear to try to get pregnant again.

The last two months have been extremely hard. Ben and I are going to a counselor this week to be proactive with processing our grief. I am worried that I am depressed. I've been trying so hard to be positive and approach the whole situation with a healthy outlook, but it has been a long time since I have been happy. Ben and Jonas give me happiness. It's not that I am unhappy with my life, I just feel flat and unmotivated and incomplete. I'm hoping something comes from the appointment with the counselor. My OBGYN has already asked if I have thought about trying anti-depressants, but I wanted to try counseling first.

Fingers crossed.

Time keeps on slipping

9/18/17 There are now fewer weeks until Christmas than there have been since my miscarriage. It does not seem like it should be mid-September. Time feels like it is crawling and whizzing by at the same time. I should be 27 weeks pregnant right now. My blood tests have all come back with good results. I'm looking forward to the new year when we can start trying again. But there is always a nagging feeling/voice/thought that the next test is going to indicate cancer...that I am not done fighting and I am done having children. If this is my family forever and ever amen I am ok with that but the unknowing of my situation is what plagues me.

As a 35 year old woman, I can practically feel my biological clock ticking. However, if the Duchess of Cambridge can have a healthy pregnancy at 35, so can I! I read a poem the other day that has stuck with me...sort of like "I Will Wait" did with Jonas. It said "What if I fall? Oh but my darling what if you fly?" And it has given me a renewed resolve. Sure, there could be issues; issues can happen anyway, right? But I shouldn't give up on the basis of "what if's."

There's another saying I saw recently that said "You are not too old and it is not too late." And while it was written general on purpose to keep it applicable to a wide range of readers, it really struck home about my journey to motherhood. I'm going to keep these two quotes handy on the days when time seems to be slipping and my doubts creep in.

Best laid plans

Oh my. It has been a while, hasn't it? I had all kinds of intentions for blogging--I even planned a follow-up to my "I Will Wait" blog from more than a year ago. Aaaannnnnndddddd it never happened. It might, still, but not today.

I'm currently 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Except I'm not. Nope, little baby Jonas had other plans. Two weeks ago exactly, at 37 weeks and 1 day, as I was getting out of bed to get ready for work, my water broke. When I called Ben to tell him, he wanted to make sure I hadn't actually peed my pants. Pretty sure peeing your pants doesn't happen involuntarily multiple times in succession. :p I called my boss to tell her I wouldn't be in and she asked how I was doing. I mentioned that I didn't really know how I was getting to the hospital since Ben was in Cinci, and she generously came and got me and drove me to the hospital.

I didn't start having contractions until Ben got there, close to an hour after my water had broken. They verified that it had, in fact, broken (apparently they wanted to make sure I hadn't peed my pants, too!) and then got me into a room. The first couple hours of contracting weren't bad...manageable at least. Time went by so very fast.

I was dilating ok and progressing as they would expect. But then the contractions got pretty painful. I opted to have some medication to help with the contractions, but it was still more than I felt I could handle. I tried getting in the bath (I had requested a room with a tub) and getting on the birthing ball, but neither offered enough relief to make it worth it. So, I chose to have an epidural after seven hours of contractions.

It made things quite a bit better. I dilated up to 8 1/2-9 inches quickly...as in, within 10 minutes. But then I stalled. For three hours I made no progress, the baby's heart rate dropped several times and they noticed that he hadn't descended into my pelvis. They were concerned that he wouldn't make it through my small pelvis and suggested considering a c-section. After talking it over with Ben, we decided that would be the best course of action and within a half hour, my son had joined us!

The last two weeks have been a wonderful and frazzling time. Jonas has grown more than half a pound from his birth weight and brings new experiences to our family every day.

Between issues with the cat jumping in the bassinet to honing our swaddling abilities to sorting our a night time schedule (which works most of the time), it has been an adventure. While our best laid plans haven't always gone the way we wanted, they haven't always gone awry, either. I'm ready to see where this little guy will take us and how we will grow together.

The journey isn't over now that he's here. It's just a new direction that we're headed in, and it is certain to change on us countless times over the next couple of decades as we continue on the journey. He is a precious addition to our lives and we are lucky to call ourselves his parents. Whatever our best laid plans may be through this journey, he is worth every bit of it.

Lots of new stuff!

There has been so much I've experienced in the last several weeks. First, I started feeling the baby moving about six weeks ago. At first it was hard to tell, and I wasn't 100% sure it was even the baby, but it was different enough from anything else I'd experienced. In the last 3 weeks or so it has gotten much more prominent. We felt him from the outside at 20 weeks and now at 23 weeks, he has started moving things propped on my belly (book, iPad, etc) as he kicks. It is really neat! Though, it seems every time I try to have Ben feel his stronger movement, little Jonas takes a break. :( I'm hoping once the kicks become more visible, that will happen less.

Second, we are starting to get wonderful hand me downs from friends who no longer need their baby stuff. It is so much fun going through the toys and clothes and bibs and tiny socks! I'm sure it won't be fun for long, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. Thank you to everyone who has given us the beginnings of what we'll need for baby Jonas!

Third, we had the ultrasound (obviously, since we already revealed the gender) and it was really cool. I saw his little feet--my favorite image we left with, his brain, his arms and legs waving around like a turtle on his back, and of course his penis. Yes, I said it. That's what it is; I don't want my son to think it is something to be ashamed of. We found out he was 14oz at the time (which puts him somewhere around a pound and a half now, if not more) and in the 77th percentile for size.

Fourth, my tummy has finally started to look like a pregnant tummy and not just a pudge. It's about time! Though, I have had people tell me I'm all tummy and don't look like I've gained extra weight on other parts of my body, which mostly makes me feel good. On the one hand, I don't want to go all Violet Beauregard, but on the other hand, I also don't want to not have enough nutrients for the baby. I think I'm doing ok in both respects, though.

Lastly, I am all about the creature comforts for this pregnancy. I bought a pregnancy pillow (thanks again, Scott!) to help me sleep and my resulting back pain; I have it on good authority that I'm getting a pregnancy belt for Christmas; I plan to ask about prenatal massage at my next doctor appointment, and I have been drinking grapefruit juice like it's going out of style. And I've been fairly fortunate with finding good maternity clothes. I have a couple pairs of pants and a shirt or two that aren't entirely comfortable, but for the most part they are cute and flattering!

Only a little over four weeks until the third trimester! Time flies when you're having a baby! :)

Dear baby... (4)

Dear baby,

I have been shamefully putting off writing to you since I found out you were on your way. I was scared that if I wrote you directly, that it would somehow jinx everything and you wouldn't be real anymore. Heck, even the pregnancy journal I was so anxious to start keeping didn't even have writing in it until after the first trimester. I wrote everything on index cards each week and then transferred it all over. I guess I still have some jadedness to overcome.

Enough about me. You are here and you are a little being growing in my belly! We have dubbed you "Baby Mumfy." You can thank my friend Nicole for that one. :) We have the 16 week appointment tomorrow and I'm hoping we'll be able to schedule the 20 week ultrasound then. I'm also hoping your dad will be able to hear your heartbeat for the first time. I can't wait to share that with him! It will probably be at the 20 week ultrasound when we find out whether you are a boy or a girl. Ideally, we'll find out right before Thanksgiving and can share the news with family at the celebrations.

The last time we had an ultrasound, you were just a little blip on the screen. It will be neat to see your little body and watch you move around. I think I've been feeling you a little recently, but it's hard to say for sure. I look forward to being sure that I feel you as you dance around. Just be nice to your neighbors: my bladder and stomach and spleen. :)

So, Baby Mumfy, welcome to my tummy, your residence for the next 5 months or so. I will do my best to give you a good home as you grow and develop there and in exchange I'd like you to be my adorable little baby when your lease is up. I think you can handle that!

Top 5 of the First Trimester

It's hard to describe what the first trimester was like for me, so I'm going to try to sum it up in 5 adjectives, in no particular order (you can probably figure out what the order is, lol).

1. Exhausting
Physically exhausting? YES! Mentally exhausting? YES! I was tired all the time and was regularly going to bed around 9-10p. That may not seem that bad, but I was used to going to bed around 11p-12a. Even on days when I wanted to stay up later, my body was functional and upright (mostly), but I was a zombie. It was not pretty. Also, for the majority of the first trimester, we were keeping it under wraps. It was extremely hard and mentally draining to go about my day around people who didn't know as if things were just fine. I did give some indication that I wasn't operating at 100%, but I couldn't go into detail or really explain just how <100% I was. Pretending to be at around 85-90% when you're really at 60-65% is so incredibly exhausting. When we finally made it public, my exhaustion level actually got better because I didn't have to pretend anymore. How crazy is that?

2. Surreal
I've said it before here on the blog that it was really tough convincing myself I was actually pregnant for a long time. I don't know how to adequately describe it. It just didn't seem like it was really happening to me. Even now, I still have surreal moments, like being pregnant is something that happens to other people and I just see it, I'm not really experiencing it. It's hard to apply what I've seen from others to myself. I'm hoping as I start to show more and feel the baby move that it will solidify to me.

3. Uncomfortable
Oh, man was it uncomfortable! I was nauseous almost constantly unless I snacked every hour or two. Sometimes I just wished I could get sick and feel better. Beyond that, at about week 11 I felt like I was being stabbed in my left side. Well, to be fair, it started out feeling twingy like I slept in a bad position, then the next day like I had run too far and too long and I had a stitch in my side, then the third day is when it was stabby-stabby. I called the doctor and they said it was the round ligaments stretching. Stuff was getting bigger, yo! Luckily it was just that one day and then it went back to the stitch, and then to the twingy. The icing on the cake was the last week of the first trimester I got hit with one of the worst colds I can remember. I was literally knocked on my back. I couldn't take anything for it (though we ended up contacting the doctor and he suggested Sudafed, which really didn't help a whole lot, really), I was getting sick from the sinus drainage and coughing every other breath. I still have a stuffy nose almost a month later, and I'm still at times getting sick from the drainage.

4. Overwhelming
There are so many things to think about and be aware of and plan for. Ben is still struggling to find a job. We've had to get creative in our finances, both in terms of cutting things down/out of our budget, but also in figuring out how to keep our bills paid when the savings has been drained. We have been fortunate in that there have been options available to us, but it continues to be something that overwhelms us daily. We have a plan for the nursery and such, but we're in a holding pattern until we can get other things straightened out. I had a minor freak out the other day about needing to sign up for birthing classes...until I realized that I probably had several months before that needed to be something on my mind. There have been numerous conversations, from genetic testing to natural birth vs. epidural to godparents to whether we'll circumcise if it's a boy. And I know we've barely scratched the surface.

5. Exciting
It was crazy how fast it went, honestly. The first few weeks went by so slowly, but being here at 15 weeks now and knowing that ten weeks ago was when we found out...it does not seem like it has been that long. Each new experience, each trial and tribulation, each milestone we reach has been incredibly exciting. I feel blessed to be journeying through motherhood and sharing the journey with Ben.

Spreading the news

Second of several posts that remained hidden until the pregnancy was announced. This was written three weeks after it was confirmed that I was pregnant.

When you know you're pregnant and no one else does, it is excruciating. I found out three weeks ago and these three weeks have dragged beyond belief. We decided to wait to tell people for two reasons: first, my siblings' weddings are at the beginning of September and we didn't want to steal their rightly-earned thunder; second, the end of September marks the end of my first trimester, and we wanted to wait until the chance of miscarriage was lesser.

That's not to say that we didn't tell a few people. Well, few is not entirely accurate. Like I said, it's excruciating. We told our immediate families, of course. That we did right away. We also told close friends. The problem is we kept thinking of more close friends to tell. So, now while those who DO know don't outnumber those who don't know, there's still more than just a few. My hairdresser also knows, as does the cashier at my dad's favorite restaurant (she noticed me having indigestion and asked if the food was ok. I wanted to make sure she didn't think they had given me food poisoning, so I explained why). It is easier to tell strangers, honestly. Strangers you won't see again and the two reasons above to keep it quiet aren't an issue. It's a good happy medium between not telling anyone and telling the whole world.

Then there are the instances where you are stunned. My sister, her fiance and I were waiting for a flea market to open and a lady standing there with us asked me if we were going to be looking at baby items. After the split second it took me to have 9,000 questions run through my head (am I showing that much? does she have some pregnancy-radar? did my sister say something? is it a coincidence? does she think I'm someone else?), I just said "Not today..." I was at a center yesterday when the staff I was working with insisted on getting me a chair...because I was pregnant. She said that to me. Again, with the 9,000 questions. This time I didn't have as cogent of a response. I said "Um, what?" She explained that someone had told her the person who'd be working with her was pregnant. I asked who had told her that. She said her director. I clarified that she was probably thinking of a coworker of mine who had just given birth. But, I remember how badly people felt when they incorrectly assumed my extra tummy weight was a pregnancy (and sometimes I didn't have pity on them), so I shared that I was, in fact, pregnant but that it wasn't common knowledge and I was trying to figure out how she had known. I made sure to explain our reasons for not telling everyone and asked her and her director to keep my secret.

I wish I could tell people. Every time we decide to share it with someone else, I feel an incredible amount of joy. Sometimes we just come out and say it. Other times we do funny/cute things. For one friend, I tried to video tape her reaction to a picture of the positive pregnancy test. Her hand was over my phone's camera the whole time. At least you could hear her! Another friend asked how my (presumed infertility) doctor's appointment had gone. I walked him through the blood tests and the 2 urine tests in 40 minutes and then said that when the test results came back we'd know how far along I am. It took him a second, but he processed it and figured it out. For a friend of Ben's, we had planned on going to his wife's birthday party, but with our finances tight it wasn't going to work. We called to let them know and apologize and decided to share the news with them. When Ben had called, he asked to talk to both he and his wife. He explained that we were sorry we couldn't make it, but with money being tight and Janine being pregnant, we couldn't justify the trip. It was another second before it registered with them and I could hear the happy shouts through the phone.

I try to be respectful of those who I know have had difficulty like I did (some even more so). I know how I felt when I would find out people were pregnant, and I don't like being the person who may bring that feeling to them. If you're one of those people, I truly apologize for the pain and jealousy and resentment you feel. I wish there was something I could do for you, or some fool-proof advice I can give. All I can do is continue to try to be respectful of your feelings--acknowledge their validity, keep the pregnancy and baby-related talk to a minimum and always be willing to listen if you want to talk. Know that I will endeavor to do all those things, because I know what it's like and being pregnant now doesn't mean I'm no longer empathetic.

Comfort

I'm going to cross-post this on my Ovarian Cancer Awareness blog.

I had my doctor's appointment this week. They were as helpful as they could be, I suppose. They drew some blood and made me pee twice in forty minutes (the first one got dumped and they didn't consider that they'd need it again). They told me to call back to get some of the test results back.

That time until I could call was both long and short. I was very impatient. But, work kept me busy and a friend even had to remind me to call because of that. The first time I called, I got their voicemail greeting. I didn't want to leave a message, so I figured I'd call back in a few minutes. The second time, someone answered. I gave her my name and why I was calling and she checked my file. They didn't have the results in the file yet, so she needed to find someone who had the paper results and she put me on hold.

The hold music wasn't bad. The first song was a Maroon 5 song...Love Somebody, I think. It ended pretty quickly, as it had been almost over. The next song started and my phone was cutting in and out, but I heard two notes and knew exactly what song it was. I waited until I could hear it completely to say for sure, but I was right. It was the song that reminds me of my mother, I Hope You Dance. It had come out when my mom was dying and I had bought the cassette tape and played it for her. It's not the only song that reminds me of her--there are a couple Christian songs that she loved and the song that she danced to with my dad at their wedding also remind me of her. I've heard one of the Christian songs playing when I needed the reminder, but this is the song that has shown up the most when I needed the reminder. I knew she was with me.

The woman came back on the phone and gave me the test results, which were quite positive, and that means we can move forward. I have a follow-up appointment at the end of the month. Fingers crossed!

Dear baby... (3)

It's been a rough couple of months for me, baby. I kept wanting to write you again, but couldn't find anything worth saying. Even now, I'm digging deep to come up with today's letter.

I don't want to be overprotective, and I'm going to keep a close watch because I might tend that way. I know many parents say that they want better for their children than they had. I don't. I had a pretty good childhood. Sure, my mom and I had our issues, and some of them I understand now and some I realize won't work for me as a parent. My parents didn't discuss finances in depth with us, yet instilled the value of fiscal responsibility through their practices. My parents tried their best not to fight in front of us, and we knew what it meant when they went into their room and shut the door. They always came out with a unified front, no matter what they each may have gone in with. My parents gave me a solid foundation to grow from. In fact, I've said before when reflecting on my teenage years that I wasn't so much rebelling against my parents as I was *rappelling* from them. I knew what the values were that they helped cultivate in our family and that kept me anchored. Did I push the limits? Yes, but I always knew that I was still tethered and could safely explore the boundaries, even if it meant there were consequences if I pushed them too far. That's what I want to provide to you, baby, one of the many things.

Other things that I want to teach you, give you, help you learn and understand, guide you and offer you include...

...compassion
...trust
...self-reliance
...open-mindedness
...responsibility
...integrity
...diplomacy
...humility
...critical thinking
...creativity
...flexibility
...respect
...perseverance
...empathy
...loyalty
...charity
...patience
...conviction
...curiousity


This is such a very short list of everything I will have twenty-two short years (plus or minus some) to nurture with you. Let's get started, shall we? I'll wait until you're ready. :)

The more things change, the more they stay the same...

Just when I was getting used to how my body had changed off of birth control, it goes and spits in my face. "How dare you?" it says to me. "You think you know me? You don't know me." I imagine it as a trashy woman from Jerry Springer. It has truly made these last 13 months a more difficult process. At first I was really happy because I used to be in so much physical pain. Now, I would gladly take the pain back if it meant I was predictable, or even pregnant.

I'm glad I wrote the blog about my going through the 5 stages of grief. I can re-read it and remind myself that how I'm feeling is something I have felt many times before and I'm not broken. The coming weeks until the doctor's appointment are going to be hell.

I don't know what I'm going to do when I actually do get pregnant. I don't think I'll believe it. I'm so used to not being pregnant that it wouldn't seem real. I'd probably be in denial for several days, if not weeks. I wouldn't want to get my hopes up completely. It's really sad that I'm so jaded. I don't want to be, but when all I've known is disappointment, I think it will be hard to accept success outright. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

The next step

Well, it's done. After a week and a half of forgetting to call until the office was closed, I was able to schedule an appointment (after the Bar) to talk to the doctor about our inabilities thus far to conceive. That was a hard call to make--not because I felt like I was admitting defeat or was ashamed, but because I didn't really know how to handle the call. What I ended up saying to the person who answered the phone was that I wanted to make an appointment and that we'd been trying to conceive for over a year and wanted to speak to the doctor about it. Once the appointment was made, I asked if I would need to attend by myself or if Ben could/should attend as well. She said it was up to me. I've told Ben that I'd like it if he went with me, but I'd understand if he couldn't (I'd much prefer he go to an interview, for instance).

Now that that's taken care of, I'm not entirely sure what to expect. This is where all those people who offered listening ears and advice come in. Until now, I was doing ok on my own and with Ben. But, now I have no clue what's going to come next. Any and all advice you could give would be appreciated, whether that's helping me be prepared for what they'll talk to us about or sharing your decision making process when you went down a similar road. I know several friends who have chosen different options-- fertility treatments, hormone therapy (are those the same thing?? See I don't know! Lol), IVF, adoption, etc-- each with their levels of success. I am very open at this point to hear your pros/cons, experiences, determining factors, what have you. I may not be in the same situation exactly, but it will all help me figure out what our best course of action is for our specific situation.

So, bring it on! I need all the help I can get! :)

What to say...

I don't know what to say. I know I want to say something, but it's hard to put it into words. I have a jumble of emotions in my soul that all beg for equal attention. I was three days late this month. It's took me more days than I prefer to say it out loud to anyone other than Ben. For three days we allowed ourselves the chance to believe that we were pregnant. And then reality came like a guillotine.

I was reading something about infertility recently...breaking my own rule, I know. The author said that they believe that people who struggle with infertility go through the five stages of grief. It stopped me in my tracks. I realized that every month, I do. I'm so sorry to everyone that has come in contact with me during that period of time. I know I'm not pleasant to be around when I'm dealing with my own demons.

So what does it look like, for me at least? I'll give you a glimpse.

Stage 1: Denial--Usually days 1-3 "Maybe it's just implantation bleeding. It could be, right? It really does happen, so it's reasonable it'd happen to me. Right? I'm going to take these two pregnancy tests just to make sure."

Stage 2: Anger--This month it was in tandem with Stage 1, but usually on days 3-5 "Why isn't it working? What am I doing wrong? How are teenagers and deadbeats and teenage deadbeats getting pregnant and not me? I can't look at babies or pregnant women without feeling jealous. I hate this."

Stage 3: Bargaining--Usually days 5-7 "I'd rather be pregnant than lose all the weight that I've lost. I'd rather have a baby than have full nights' sleep. I'd rather have a baby than have a landscaper (our lawn mower broke). What do I need to do to make it happen? Prenatal vitamins? Done! Sweet Potatoes? Done! Stand on my head? Done! Can I have a baby now?"

Stage 4: Depression--Usually days 1-13 "Nothing I/we do is working. Maybe it's not meant to be. I don't know if I can go through this again. Why do I do this to myself? I might as well just give up trying. It's never going to happen."

Stage 5: Acceptance--Usually day 14 or so, sometimes earlier "Dear God, I need all the strength I can get. I know you have a plan, so here we go again. Another month, another opportunity to keep trying!"



I was angry for the entire day when reality showed up--angry at myself for getting my hopes up, angry at my life for taking so long to be ready to try for a baby, angry at my body for not actually being pregnant but making me think for a very long three days that I was, angry at everyone and no one at the same time. Most of the time, the anger is coupled with sadness. But this time the anger was too overwhelming. I'm still angry thinking about it, but now I'm more sad than anything. Talk to me again in two weeks and I should be fine again.

I think I've gone off the deep end...

I may have officially gone off the deep end. Ben and I were in a bookstore earlier this week and as I wandered around while he thumbed through some omnibi, I found myself in the "Family and Child Care" section. There were the usual What to Expect books and baby name dictionaries, and a bunch of other books, magazines and journals all revolving around having a baby. I wasn't wistful or bitter.

Here we are a full year into trying to conceive and I feel almost as hopeful as I did when we first started. Maybe I've just used up all my anxiety, or maybe I'm just optimistic that this will be our month after all, or maybe (the most likely scenario, IMO) I'm ready to make my appointment to see the doctor and find out what our options are. There's a calming sense when you know there are possibilities within your reach. I know that it will still be another month before we'll have the appointment, but I'm planning on making the call to the doctor in the next couple of weeks so that we can get in as early in August as possible. Maybe the day after the bar exam? Hahaha, just kidding! You can breathe again now, Ben. ;)

So I'm standing there staring at these books and magazines and journals. I was drawn to the pregnancy journals in a way I've never been before. In fact, as I picked them up one by one--looking at their structure and their content and weighing their merits against each other--I was was reminded of when I was planning my wedding. What you may not realize is I was planning my wedding before I was engaged, which is saying a lot since I was the one keeping our relationship at a slow pace. But, what I told Ben at the time is that if it was just the wedding, I'd get married in an instant. I needed to be ready to be married, too. That didn't stop me from dreaming about what my dress would look like and frequenting the wedding sections of bookstores looking at books on centerpieces and planning calendars.

Anyway, I digress. I felt a parallel between looking at wedding resources without a fiancé and looking at pregnancy books without a baby. And this is where I went off the deep end. I decided to buy one of the pregnancy journals. I want to not only be ready to be pregnant but also ready to have a baby. No, I may not have a baby, but I will. When I do, I will have this journal to stick ultrasounds in and pictures of my growing belly. Or, we'll adopt and I'll Frankenstein it to fit my needs. I really wanted one where both parents could journal together, but there weren't any there. I even did a search later and there doesn't seem to be any that I can find. I guess the pregnancy journal world hasn't quite caught up yet that having a baby might be a joint effort.

I chose one that had watercolor drawings of the fruits and vegetables the baby will resemble in size and pages with prompts about feelings and experiences as well as blank pages where I can just write whatever I want. Don't worry, I'll still keep this blog. This has been a way for me to keep ahead of my feelings so I don't lose track of myself, and I will need that. I held the book, cover facing me, and went to find Ben. As I walked down the aisle toward him, I began smiling bigger and bigger, even past the point of silly grin, making him suspicious of what book I had. I finally turned the book around so he could see and he laughed, rolled his eyes affectionately as he is wont to do when I go all baby crazy (as I am at times wont to do) and kissed me on my forehead. Ok, so maybe I am actually a little optimistic that this month will be our month. Maybe we both are. Aren't I always? I have to be. My optimism is what keeps me from drowning over here in the deep end. It's been such a roller coaster of a year and regardless of what this month will bring, it will be the beginning of a new phase in our lives and I don't know a better reason to be optimistic.

Uplifting

It's been an uplifting couple of days. Yesterday, a coworker I don't interact with much was talking to me about how she wants to adopt a little girl. She asked if I wanted children. I realized that she didn't know about us having tried for a year now. Oddly enough, I was ok with her question of whether I wanted children and not the question I've been plagued with (that I've talked about before) of when am I going to have children. There was an implication that it was ok if I didn't want children, and not an implication that I'm late to my own baby-having party.

Today, while talking to a teacher in a school-age classroom, she shared with me that she and her husband were trying for a baby. I told her that I knew how she felt, as we had been trying as well. I wished her good luck, as I could related to how hard it was. She said that they had just started the process. I felt a connection with her as we go about our journey at different stages. I was the one with experience in this case. I don't wish that she struggles like I do. I also have to accept that she may get pregnant before I do. For now, we are on the same journey.

After work, I spent some time at the thrift stores. While I was looking for something completely different, I found some super-cute crib bedding. Ben and I, after much going-around, decided we wanted a literary themed nursery for when we get pregnant. Boy or girl, it works! I first saw the Paddington Bear bumper pad, but then found a crib duster and curtain to match. For some reason, buying baby things was almost therapeutic. I may not have a baby now, but planning for one was reassuring.

Unfortunately, after doing a bit of research, I've found that bumper pads are not recommended for use in babies' cribs by the American Academy of Pediatrics. That's all right! I literally spent $2 on it ($4 for all three pieces), so I'm not that concerned with finding alternative uses for it. Possibly a quilt? A diaper stacker? Wall hanging? Who knows, but for $2 I'm sure I'll get my money's worth. :)

It's been an uplifting couple of days. I'm ready for more. :)

Dear baby... (2)

Dear baby,

You won't be joining us this month. While it is hard for me to accept, I must. As I've said before, amazing things take time and you are no exception. Your dad held me yesterday as I wept into his shirt and told me that we were getting all the bad batches out of our system first before we could have an amazing baby. Ok, he used another word other than bad, but it's not a word I want your little ears to hear, so I picked a synonym.

I think I'll tell you about your dad this time. Here are some things to know about him.

-He is a very, very good man. You are very lucky to have a dad like him, and I am lucky to have a husband like him. He will help you grow up to be a good person and a good citizen...the latter probably better than me. ;)

-I'm proud that he is an Eagle Scout. There have been some issues lately around the BSA that have created a not-so-nice view of the scouts. I hope that by the time you are here and will be participating in some form of scouting, that a more welcoming policy has been put in place. Regardless, the scouting movement, apart from its beaurocratic parent organization, stands for loyalty, bravery, kindness and reverence, among others. All of those things are good qualities to have or strive for. He is also a Minisino (one day maybe your Uncle Luke or your dad could explain what that is) and Order of the Arrow brotherhood (which your Grandpa Mike can explain as well).

-He is a talented storyteller. He loves to captivate his audience as he entertains them with his words. He is able to think of ways to describe things that are simple to understand, yet capture his point well. Many times it includes humor. This will be a benefit in his law career. Right now we don't know how that will turn out, but we are hopeful it will be a good process and outcome. It will also be a benefit as a parent. I can't wait to hear him tell you stories.

-He is very close with his family. He and his brother, your Uncle Matt, have a wonderful relationship, even though they are 15 years apart. Your Aunt Emily is very special to him, too, and they enjoy poking fun at each other. His relationship with his parents is one that he cherishes. He can talk to your Grandma Dana about nearly anything and he has so much in common with your Grandpa Mike.

-He is a nerd. He loves to play games like D&D, Dark Heresy, L5R, Minecraft and Fable. In fact, he plays some of these games with me, his family, your Grandpa Bruce and Uncle Luke, and your Uncle Keith and Aunt Sara. Who knows what games will look like or be like when you are old enough to play and appreciate. Be thankful that you have your dad, because if it were up to me, electronics would be used at an absolute minimum. He will be the influence that keeps our parenting balanced.

-He and I both are very much looking forward to having you in our lives. He will do anything in his power for you. So, I don't know how many more bad batches we have to get out of our system before we have you, but it will be worth it.

Several thoughts and a song

This is going to be a mix of several unrelated thoughts...none of them enough to warrant their own entry. I'm also including a song at the end that I wrote 3 years ago, before Ben and I were married, but when I was very much wanting children, and unsure of when we would be pursuing our goal of parenthood.

1. A friend was recently talking to me about some financial hardships he and his wife (and their son) have been facing. He said that he was looking at curses as blessings and explained why the hardships would help him in the long-run. It made me think of how I could look at the frustration I have with trying to conceive. If we had gotten pregnant right away, we would be facing bar exam with a baby, possibly without a job for Ben. Difficult. If we had gotten pregnant within the first few months, we would be facing bar prep/exam with an imminent delivery, possibly without a job for Ben. Also difficult. If we had gotten pregnant around the beginning of the year, we would be facing both of my siblings' weddings in September with an imminent delivery, possibly without a job for Ben or a very new job for Ben. Not desirable. If we get pregnant now(ish), there is a good chance Ben will have found a job, will have been there a few months, hopefully, and we might be in a better position to welcome a baby into our family.

2. I had a dream the other day. I dreamt that an acquaintance and I were riding in the back seat of a car together and the acquaintance was pregnant (she is not IRL). She was going on and on and on and on about the pregnancy and I ran out of patience. When she started talking about it again, I screamed "I hate you" at her. In the dream, I immediately felt badly (though it did make her stop talking about it) and apologized for yelling and saying that I hated her. I woke up shortly after that and felt even more badly. I don't feel hatred toward anyone who is pregnant. Jealousy? Of course, but not hatred. It disturbed me that my subconscious was putting those thoughts in my head.

3. I was looking at the app I use to keep track of my cycles. I also keep track of our attempts at conception, so that when we do get pregnant, we can be able to figure out when it took place. I've been keeping up with it pretty well since December. When Ben and I had our talk and said we (I) would stop doing so much to track/monitor stuff, this is the one thing I kept up. First, it's just good to know when to expect stuff. Second, it helps me remember things, like when things started going wonky and times we were more active than others. Every month since December there has been a time of inactivity at least 5 days long--except this month. I'm hopeful. I have to be.

4. If you're reading this and you've asked me (or someone else) this next question, know that I hold no ill will toward you, but I do want to express my feelings about the question and my internal reaction. Twice in the last week, I have been asked when Ben and I planned to start a family. Neither of the people who asked are people I would consider friends, but merely acquaintances or friends of friends. This is not an unusual occurrence. I want to use this medium to explain what goes through my head and the emotions attached.
Innocent questioner: "When are you guys going to have a baby of your own?"
Me, in my head: *weeps* I wish we had one already. We've been trying for several months now, not to mention the years I spent waiting to just be able to try. It's really hard, you know, seeing other people being pregnant, with babies, etc and having this difficulty.
*annoyed* First of all, why is it your business? I get that you're curious/making conversation/want us to, but frankly that is a very personal question. Second, what answer do you want? Do you want me to smile and say 'When God wants it to happen'? Do you want me to go into detail about how we've struggled month after month of failures? Do you want me to give you permission to contribute your unsolicited opinion/advice on the topic? Why don't you tell me about what you did that helped you be successful that I haven't already tried over and over?
*self-talk* Don't say anything sarcastic or nasty, Janine. Give them the benefit of the doubt. They don't mean anything by it. They probably don't realize what they've just asked. Just pull yourself together, don't cry, and act upbeat.
Me, out loud: "We've been trying for a while now. We're hoping next month will be our month."

Please think about the question you may feel inclined to ask and consider what might be going through my mind or the mind of another woman/man you would be asking. Those emotions don't go away easily. You have just reminded me again of the frustration around trying to conceive that I try to keep hidden and under control. I may carry it with me for hours or the rest of the day until I'm no longer preoccupied by it.

5. So, here is the song. Like I said, originally I had written it in September 2010, before I got married, which you'll see in the lyrics. I've updated it slightly to reflect more of my current situation.

One of these days, you say
you'll be a daddy.
One of these days, you say,
once you have your degree.
I know that's how
it really should be.
So I will wait for
one of these days.
One of these days, I say,
I'll be a mommy.
One of these days, I say,
when we settle down.
I know that I
have yet to wear
my wedding gown.
So I will wait for
one of these days.
I've done so much waiting already;
the years have gone in the blink of an eye.
It's getting harder to smile through the tears.
How long will it be until my tears can dry?
One of these days, they say,
we'll have a family.
One of these days, they say,
it's not too late.
I know that I
will continue to wait...
until it's finally one of these days.
But why can't today
be one of these days?
Yes, why can't today
be one of these days?
Please say that today
is one of these days.

What women want

Have you seen the movie "What Women Want" with Mel Gibson? Well, there is a character that is played by Judy Greer. Because Mel's character can hear what women think (that's not a spoiler, right? Lol), he has unique insight to what she is thinking, when to the rest of the office she's just the quiet file clerk. At one point, Mel's character tells Judy's character that she seems sad, and she responds "You could sense that?" It's a very minor part of the story, but one that I identified with today.

At least twice that I can remember specifically lately, possibly more because I've noticed a pattern now, people (both those who interact with me regularly and those who don't) have asked if I'm ok and mentioned that I seemed sad. Now, granted the one today was when I was trying to count handouts for a training, so I don't really know what her expectation for how I was supposed to look like was. But still the question was asked. I had the same reaction in my head that Judy's character had: "Can they really sense it?" I wondered if, to these people who are remarking on how I look sad, my genuine sadness over the struggle with conception is coming through. And if they are the people who are remarking on it, how many more people think it without saying anything? Is my sadness bleeding over into my everyday life and not just when I'm actively concerned with it?

I like to think that I've been pretty strong and have kept my frustrations and sadness from being public fairly well, unless I choose to share them publicly. It worries me that I may not be doing as good of a job at it as I think I am, and don't know if it's something that needs further attention. I do know that it's on my radar now and I can be more intentional about reflecting on/deciding whether I need to devote attention to it. Until then, I'll try not to look sad, because I really do have a ton to be happy about and just one thing to be sad about.