I don’t know...

August 26,2018

It’s been almost a year and a half since the miscarriage, but I swear it feels like yesterday. I don’t know...

And yet, when I think about how long we’ve been trying for a baby again (since January), it feels like forever. I don’t know if I have it in me to keep trying. Sometimes I look at Jonas and am so lucky to be his mom and decide that it’s ok to just be Jonas’s mom. Then other times I look at Jonas and want so badly for him to have a sibling, to share his life with them, to share our family with them. I know I have so much more love to give to another child, but I don’t know...

Part of me wants to just let it all go and give up trying for a baby. I almost did back in May when Jonas’s IQ eval came back so low. I really had to reflect on whether I should focus on helping Jonas be successful rather than adding another child into the mix. That month and the month my grandmother passed away were complete wastes in our efforts for conception. I told Ben at that time that I wanted us to wait two weeks, muse on it and talk about it again. We decided we wanted to keep trying. But now I don’t know...

The other part of me wonders if I will be able to forgive myself if I walk away from trying. Ben has suggested talking to the obgyn about fertility options. I still haven’t made the appointment. I don’t know if I want to, but I don’t know if thats fair to him. I almost feel like at this point, if I’m not going to get pregnant unassisted I might as well call it a day, because I really don’t want to go though a rigamarol of spent money and tests and anxiety and who knows what medication just to maybe get pregnant in my late 30s. But we want this baby so badly. I don’t know...

I know there is always adoption or fostering, but if I’m already hesitant to spend money on fertility options, adoption is way more expensive. And fostering would just break my heart. If it’s not going to happen, then that’s ok. I am so very happy to have Jonas and it’s good enough for me. But am I robbing Jonas of the opportunity of having a sibling just out of inconvenience? I don’t know...

I just don’t know...

A new journey

4/15/17 I promise, I didn't forget about you! I've just been busy learning how to be a new mom. Jonas brings new challenges and joys every day! It's a wonder I remember to change my contact lenses!

I have another journey to motherhood that I'm embarking on! Ben and I discovered we were pregnant with our second child this week! We are excited and nervous about expanding our family. This won't be posted until we make it public, but I wanted to put it down in words while I still remember how it feels.

I thought I was due for my cycle on Tuesday, but once I checked it was actually supposed to be Monday. The last few months have had some false hope and I would wait a day or two to take the test just for it to be negative. I decided this month that I just wanted to get it out of the way so I wouldn't stress for two days just to have another negative test. To my surprise, it was positive! I wanted to give Ben his "Dad" picture frame again, but I couldn't find it. I asked him where it was (it had actually come up in conversation recently, so Ben wasn't suspicious by my question). He wasn't sure, but said he would find it. I told him he might need it. That was when he caught on and asked if I was pregnant. I said yes!

If I'm being honest, I'm worried about my age in regard to the pregnancy. I was 16 days shy of my 35th birthday when I found out I was pregnant. It's one of those scary numbers that looms over a woman and is sort of the 11th hour of her biological clock. I don't feel old. I don't feel as though my odds for complications should be higher, but they are. I'm being more careful of what I'm eating now, and trying to get back to a healthy weight for when I start to gain it again from the pregnancy. I am doing my best to stay away from sick children at work. I'm trying to be in tune with my body and rest when I need to rest and understand what my limitations are. I don't want to do something that could add to any potential complications. Ben and I tried for 11 months this time (Jonas took 13 months) and I'm ready to take on the next step of nurturing the little being inside me!

I scheduled my ob appointment. They wanted to wait until I'm 8 weeks along. AGONY!! I think we were spoiled with Jonas's pregnancy. I honestly didn't believe the pregnancy test and we already had an appointment scheduled (which was actually why I took the test in the first place) so I just kept it. Within a week of finding out we were pregnant with Jonas, we had a doctor appointment, a HCG test and an ultrasound. And now I have to wait another month just to get in to the doctor! From what I read, though, it's pretty common. It doesn't make it easier, though. Haha I'm looking forward to getting to that milestone so we can set our eyes on the next landmark on our journey. Wish us well!

Hopes and fears

5/10/17 My first prenatal doctor appointment is in two days. I have spent the better part of the last two and a half weeks spotting lightly (sorry TMI), and I am worried that I could be miscarrying. When I was pregnant with Jonas, well let me rephrase that, before I knew I was pregnant with Jonas I had eleven days of spotting that I thought was my period. This time around, I had no period for two weeks and then began spotting. That was three Sundays ago. I know spotting is common and isn't necessarily cause for concern, but I also know it might be cause for concern. It has never been heavy and really no cramps to speak of other than a twinge here and there that is also normal.

Jonas yesterday as I was putting him to bed kissed me twice on the stomach. My son is very affectionate. He has thrown an epic tantrum before because I told him he could not kiss the parking lot puddle. One day as he was getting dressed for school, he insisted on hugging each article of clothing before putting it on. Random kisses on the cheek, but more often smack on the lips, happen multiple times a day. But to be given kisses on my stomach was unexpected. I asked him why he kissed me there and he either couldn't or wouldn't tell me.

He does not know that I am pregnant. It is too abstract of a concept for him to understand right now. I'm not entirely certain when we will tell him, but we haven't even made it public yet, so it seems too early to expect a three year old to understand that mommy is growing another baby inside her when mommy doesn't look any different. And the waiting...oh Lordy it's going to be hard enough once I do start showing explaining that there are still several months before the baby will be here. The longer we can give ourselves to avoid that, I will. So, the fact that he kissed me on the stomach was even more out of context given that he doesn't know I'm pregnant. I choose to take comfort in the act, however. Comfort in his natural love and unspoken prayer for a sibling he will never meet if I did miscarry, or comfort in his innate hospitality and intuitive well wishes for a continued healthy pregnancy, is still undetermined. But, whichever comfort I will need, I know I can get it not only from my amazing son, but my incredible husband, my wonderful family and my fabulous friends. I have a strong support system and there is nothing I can't face with them by my side, whether it is sharing in mourning or sharing in joy.

I'm hopeful that we will be sharing joy, yet I can't quiet the fear that there may be grief. But I will find comfort in my blessings.

Reality check

7/30/17 The last post I wrote was before my first prenatal appointment. While they did not think I was miscarrying at the time, I did not continue to progress in the pregnancy and on May 25 at 10 weeks and 2 days I had a D&C.

I want to say it was a hard decision to do the D&C rather than miscarry on my own, but it really wasn't. I had been worrying for weeks already about whether I was or was not miscarrying, and having more uncertainty as to when it would happen naturally was not something I wanted to go through. So, two days after the ultrasound that confirmed that the baby (we named "Baby Sonnie" to complement the "Baby Mumfy" name Jonas was given in his early fetal days) had not developed, I was in the hospital for surgery.

It was actually good that I did opt for a D&C because the ultrasound had shown a potential for a molar pregnancy, and it turns out that I did have a partial molar pregnancy, which is a genetic abnormality that prevents a baby from growing. I am getting regular HCG tests to make sure it went and stays at a zero level. At first it was weekly, starting at 9, then 2, then 0. Now it is monthly and will be for the next five months until we get the all-clear to try to get pregnant again.

The last two months have been extremely hard. Ben and I are going to a counselor this week to be proactive with processing our grief. I am worried that I am depressed. I've been trying so hard to be positive and approach the whole situation with a healthy outlook, but it has been a long time since I have been happy. Ben and Jonas give me happiness. It's not that I am unhappy with my life, I just feel flat and unmotivated and incomplete. I'm hoping something comes from the appointment with the counselor. My OBGYN has already asked if I have thought about trying anti-depressants, but I wanted to try counseling first.

Fingers crossed.

Top Five of the Second Trimester

I started this several days ago and then, well, we had some plumbing issues that needed to be addressed RIGHTTHISSECOND, so it got put on hold. But, my second trimester is officially over! It seems like it was just yesterday that the first trimester was ending. Whew! Here's my top five adjectives for the second trimester, like I did with the first (in no particular order).

1. Exciting
The second trimester brought a lot more excitement! We got to hear the baby's heartbeat much stronger, and it was the same day that Ben found out that he passed the Bar, so it was a very good day. We also had two different ultrasounds done and got some awesome pictures to show off. My favorites are a picture of his foot and one of his nose and lips. They're just a glimpse of what he will look like in person, but I'm already biased.

2. Urgent
We definitely got a sense of urgency in the second trimester. We found ourselves at a point that it was crucial to start thinking ahead and be prepared (there's that Boy Scout Motto!) for when he arrives. We took some time and cleaned out Ben's office in stages, then switched his desk and computer to the guest room. It was important to make headway with it so that we could get the nursery ready. The guest room is now a mess, because even with cleaning out the office, there was still a lot of stuff that just got moved over en masse. Beyond that, I started thinking about childbirth classes and hospital prep bags and birth plans. It hit me one day that I had not given ANY of those the attention they needed!

3. Quick
Like I said earlier, it went by so fast! You'd think that the first trimester would have seemed faster because I spent 4 weeks pregnant without even knowing. But, I think keeping it a secret and the fatigue made it drag on. I fully expect the third trimester to zip by as well.

4. Eventful
Lots of stuff happened in the second trimester. We found out that we are having a boy, I took my glucose test (gah, that thing was horrible!), got stuff put on the registry and were told that my brother and his wife are having a baby, too! We also felt the baby kicking, and then stronger and stronger. So many things happened this trimester, it's hard to remember them all!

5. Definitive
For the first trimester, it was surreal. Often I couldn't believe I was pregnant and it didn't seem like it was actually happening. The second trimester put all of that to rest. The ultrasounds and heartbeats and kicking and growing belly all helped solidify it for me. There really is a tiny person in there!



I am fortunate to be able to say that this pregnancy has been relatively easy. There have been some issues--from almost constant nausea at first, to the second ultrasound when he measured large, to my periodic back pain. But, in the grand scheme of things, I know it could have been much, much worse. There have been no complications, my weight has been manageable, he is an active little guy (which is sometimes a blessing and a curse) and there is no reason to believe he won't be a healthy baby when he decides to make his arrival. I just hope that he doesn't make life too hectic once he's here. We'll do the best we can with whatever situation we are given. It will be such an adventure and I can't wait for us to start it together!

Duh, winning!

I called the ob today. I took my blood glucose test last Thursday and wanted to give them a couple of days to get the results. Holy cow, that test was terrible. I wasn't even all the way through the 10oz of 50g sugar drink and I felt sick. Luckily I was able to hold it off until they took my blood an hour later and then threw up. I felt like crap the rest of the day. Anyway, I digress. They had the results and said that I passed. Wahoo!! Good thing, because if it had been inconclusive, I would have needed to do a 3 hour test instead. I don't know if I would have been able to keep from getting sick that long.

While I had them on the phone, I asked if it would be possible to speak with the doctor about how necessary the additional ultrasound that had been scheduled was. Those following along at home may remember that they had said that Jonas was measuring large. They said they would review the last ultrasounds and call me back. Well, they just did. They said that they felt his size could be monitored through fundal height measurements at each visit going forward (which starting on the 17th will be every two weeks. I can get behind that. They did mention that if they feel it's necessary, we may revisit having an ultrasound done at 34-36 weeks, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

For now, I feel like I've got Adonis DNA (must be little Jonas haha) and tiger blood in my veins (the cat has scratched me a few times, though we liken him to a lion more often than a tiger) because I'm, duh, winning!

Somewhat annoyed, somewhat nervous

Annoyed: The ob called today because apparently when I had my ultrasound last, the baby was measuring large...as in 95th percentile. Compared to the 77th he was in at the one 4 weeks before. They asked if the ultrasound people had mentioned that they wanted to do ANOTHER ultrasound. Um, no, in fact they hadn't even mentioned that he was measuring large. This also happened at the earlier ultrasound re: my low placenta and the possibility of pelvic rest.

It's frustrating to either get part if the information or none of it and then find out later. I spent an entire month on self-enforced pelvic rest because I was worried about hurting me or the baby before finding out it moved. Granted they were not able to predict that it would move, but the least they could have done was say whether pelvic rest was necessary or not. I had to get the wishy-washy warning from the doctor. Now I get a phone call a more than a week later "oh, they didn't tell you your baby grew 22% more than expected in 4 weeks?"



Nervous: I've been fretting about this all day since I got the call. I haven't gained an exorbitant amount of weight and the doctor measured me at the last visit and said everything looked fine, so where is this extra size coming from?

I'm concerned his increased size could be from gestational diabetes. I haven't gone for my blood glucose test yet--I planned to next week. Diabetes runs in my family on both sides, so it is likely I may be at a higher risk. Though, I looked up the diet I may get put on if I do have it...it's basically the same diet I follow now. :/

Also, I'm nervous about the cost of the ultrasounds that I'm getting. I like seeing my little baby Jonas, don't get me wrong. But money is tight and this being my first baby, I don't know what is necessary and what isn't. I don't want to have to spend money on something that I don't need.

24 weeks and counting

I had my third ultrasound on Thursday. The first was at 6 weeks to determine how far along I was, since I had no stinking clue. The second was the typical one at 20 weeks. They weren't able to get a great look at his spine that time, so they wanted to give it another shot. They had also told me I had a low placenta, and they wanted to check on that as well. I didn't think anything of the low placenta thing until I went to the doctor the next day. He asked me if they had mentioned anything about pelvic rest. Uh, no? So I went home and checked about low placenta and pelvic rest. I had thought when they said low placenta they meant, like, volume wise. Apparently it means geographically. If you have a low placenta it can either partially or fully cover the cervix, which can cause complications in a vaginal birth, so a lot of times they do a c-section. I didn't have any problems with that, but it was the pelvic rest that kind of worried me. When they put you on pelvic rest from the low placenta, it has a very specific purpose. I'll let you look it up in case you're not familiar with it. But, needless to say I was none too happy. While the ultrasound people hadn't recommended that I go on pelvic rest, and the doctor just mentioned that I should let them know if I have any related symptoms, I was concerned about the possibility of causing early labor with certain activities. So, at my 24 week ultrasound they were able to confirm that the placenta had moved and it wasn't low anymore. Thank. God. They also were able to get images of his spine, though I don't know if it was any easier this time than last--the tech specifically mentioned that he was moving a lot and she had to move fast. Wand-click; wand-click; wand-click. It seems like he is always moving. I wonder if this is an indication of things to come post-birth. Whew!

I had my 24 week appointment at the doctor on Friday. They hadn't gotten the results of the ultrasound yet for some reason, but I had several questions that they were able to answer. I'd been starting to get short of breath from sitting. I had a feeling it was just from less real estate for my organs, but I wanted to double check. Sure enough, that's pretty much it. He did say if I was gasping for air or had chest pains when breathing, that I shouldn't ignore it. Luckily, it's nothing like that. I had also gotten an appointment reminder card in the mail for my annual wellness exam. I didn't know if I still needed to do that since I was pregnant and/or coming in anyway. I figured if I did, it might be possible to piggy back appointments. But, he was actually surprised that I had gotten the reminder card and said I didn't need to do the annual exam. That's a relief! Additionally, I had been kicking around the thought of prenatal massage and several of the places I was looking at were requiring a prescription or prenatal care notice from the doctor. I brought this up to him and he was incredibly supportive of the idea. I got my prenatal care notice so I can get something schedule. It probably won't be until after the first of the year, because things are tight financially for us and I may just use some Christmas money to cover it. But, at least I know it's something that my doctor has given his stamp of approval on.

I also asked about how I'm doing in the weight-gain department. I have thus far gained 18 pounds. I was trying to keep it under 25, but I don't know if that will happen. It's hard when I had *just* lost 26 pounds. From what I had read, if you were already overweight, which I was (but working on), 25 pounds was the top end of what you were recommended to gain. The doctor said 18 pounds was pretty normal and he said as long as I keep it somewhere around 30 pounds I should be ok. I think I can handle that. He also asked if I felt like I was eating everything in sight. I really don't. I actually don't always have the appetite I feel like I should have. It's not unusual for me to not finish my food anymore. I asked Ben if he felt like I was eating everything in sight, wondering if I just had rose-colored glasses on in terms of my own interpretation. He agreed with me that I haven't been. I also don't feel like I'm gaining excess weight; in fact, many people have commented that I am all baby-belly.

The other thing that got established at the doctor's appointment is that I'm at the point where I need to do the gestational diabetes check. Wheeeee. In a couple weeks I have to go, chug a super-sugar drink and then get my blood drawn an hour later to test my blood sugar. That should be tons of fun. Also, starting with the next appointment, I'm going to be seeing the doctor every 2 weeks rather than the 4 week interval I've been keeping for the last 18 weeks. It's crazy that things are progressing so quickly...but I know it's not quickly at all, it's perfectly routine. The days haven't passed any faster, the weeks haven't been shorter and there hasn't been any distortion to the space-time continuum. It just does not seem like it was that long ago that I took my positive pregnancy test. Before I know it, April and little Baby Jonas will be here. Two weeks from this Tuesday will be 90 days until my due date. I can hardly believe it.

Dear baby... (4)

Dear baby,

I have been shamefully putting off writing to you since I found out you were on your way. I was scared that if I wrote you directly, that it would somehow jinx everything and you wouldn't be real anymore. Heck, even the pregnancy journal I was so anxious to start keeping didn't even have writing in it until after the first trimester. I wrote everything on index cards each week and then transferred it all over. I guess I still have some jadedness to overcome.

Enough about me. You are here and you are a little being growing in my belly! We have dubbed you "Baby Mumfy." You can thank my friend Nicole for that one. :) We have the 16 week appointment tomorrow and I'm hoping we'll be able to schedule the 20 week ultrasound then. I'm also hoping your dad will be able to hear your heartbeat for the first time. I can't wait to share that with him! It will probably be at the 20 week ultrasound when we find out whether you are a boy or a girl. Ideally, we'll find out right before Thanksgiving and can share the news with family at the celebrations.

The last time we had an ultrasound, you were just a little blip on the screen. It will be neat to see your little body and watch you move around. I think I've been feeling you a little recently, but it's hard to say for sure. I look forward to being sure that I feel you as you dance around. Just be nice to your neighbors: my bladder and stomach and spleen. :)

So, Baby Mumfy, welcome to my tummy, your residence for the next 5 months or so. I will do my best to give you a good home as you grow and develop there and in exchange I'd like you to be my adorable little baby when your lease is up. I think you can handle that!

Surreal...

Third of several posts that remained hidden until the pregnancy was announced. This was written three weeks after the pregnancy was confirmed.

I feel it's important to share this, because I got so much comfort reading other people's experiences with the same thing.

I don't feel pregnant. It is incredibly surreal. I'm having pretty minor symptoms--I'm tired all the time; my chest hurts only slightly (and only in the last couple of days); when I'm hungry, I'm starving, and when I'm starving, I'm nauseous and when I'm not starving/nauseous, I have indigestion. That's pretty much it. I'm not throwing up or peeing all the time and even though I'm three weeks past the positive pregnancy test and eight weeks along tomorrow, I would not have expected my next cycle for another couple of days. I just feel like all the things I'm feeling and the symptoms I'm having aren't enough to say "Yup, I'm pregnant!"

I kept the appointment we had made to discuss fertility options because I was terrified it wasn't real. Even though they confirmed with a test at that appointment--in addition to a second test I took the day after the first one just in case it was a false positive--and I've had an ultrasound since then, it still feels like I'm pretending that I'm pregnant. I'm avoiding the foods and stuff I'm supposed to (sometimes I forget, like two days after the positive test and the day before I had the appointment when I took a motion sickness pill before a car trip and had a freakout moment; sometimes I don't realize I'm supposed to avoid it, like feta cheese), but again it just feels like I'm pretending.

I really thought the ultrasound would help, but even though they put the word "baby" next to the dollop of abstractness I saw on the screen that blinked like Tinkerbell, it still didn't seem real. I carry the printout around with me and look at it every once in a while to remind myself that I do have something growing inside me. Sometimes it helps. Because it still feels surreal, I'm having trouble connecting to the baby. I feel protective of it and I can't wait to go through the next 32 weeks and beyond, but it's so hard to bond with a baby I am having trouble believing exists.

I've talked with other people I know who have been recently pregnant, as well as looking to the internet for strangers who shared their similar experiences, and it has been a relief to know other people have felt this way. So, I wanted to add my voice to the chorus of friends and strangers that someone else may be turning to. You're not alone and you're not crazy.

Comfort

I'm going to cross-post this on my Ovarian Cancer Awareness blog.

I had my doctor's appointment this week. They were as helpful as they could be, I suppose. They drew some blood and made me pee twice in forty minutes (the first one got dumped and they didn't consider that they'd need it again). They told me to call back to get some of the test results back.

That time until I could call was both long and short. I was very impatient. But, work kept me busy and a friend even had to remind me to call because of that. The first time I called, I got their voicemail greeting. I didn't want to leave a message, so I figured I'd call back in a few minutes. The second time, someone answered. I gave her my name and why I was calling and she checked my file. They didn't have the results in the file yet, so she needed to find someone who had the paper results and she put me on hold.

The hold music wasn't bad. The first song was a Maroon 5 song...Love Somebody, I think. It ended pretty quickly, as it had been almost over. The next song started and my phone was cutting in and out, but I heard two notes and knew exactly what song it was. I waited until I could hear it completely to say for sure, but I was right. It was the song that reminds me of my mother, I Hope You Dance. It had come out when my mom was dying and I had bought the cassette tape and played it for her. It's not the only song that reminds me of her--there are a couple Christian songs that she loved and the song that she danced to with my dad at their wedding also remind me of her. I've heard one of the Christian songs playing when I needed the reminder, but this is the song that has shown up the most when I needed the reminder. I knew she was with me.

The woman came back on the phone and gave me the test results, which were quite positive, and that means we can move forward. I have a follow-up appointment at the end of the month. Fingers crossed!

The next step

Well, it's done. After a week and a half of forgetting to call until the office was closed, I was able to schedule an appointment (after the Bar) to talk to the doctor about our inabilities thus far to conceive. That was a hard call to make--not because I felt like I was admitting defeat or was ashamed, but because I didn't really know how to handle the call. What I ended up saying to the person who answered the phone was that I wanted to make an appointment and that we'd been trying to conceive for over a year and wanted to speak to the doctor about it. Once the appointment was made, I asked if I would need to attend by myself or if Ben could/should attend as well. She said it was up to me. I've told Ben that I'd like it if he went with me, but I'd understand if he couldn't (I'd much prefer he go to an interview, for instance).

Now that that's taken care of, I'm not entirely sure what to expect. This is where all those people who offered listening ears and advice come in. Until now, I was doing ok on my own and with Ben. But, now I have no clue what's going to come next. Any and all advice you could give would be appreciated, whether that's helping me be prepared for what they'll talk to us about or sharing your decision making process when you went down a similar road. I know several friends who have chosen different options-- fertility treatments, hormone therapy (are those the same thing?? See I don't know! Lol), IVF, adoption, etc-- each with their levels of success. I am very open at this point to hear your pros/cons, experiences, determining factors, what have you. I may not be in the same situation exactly, but it will all help me figure out what our best course of action is for our specific situation.

So, bring it on! I need all the help I can get! :)

New doctor

Don't worry; I'm still with my same OBGYN, because he is awesome. The female OB there is awesome as well. There's a third doctor in their practice, but I don't like him so I pretend it's just the other two. Two out of three isn't bad. :)

No, I finally got around to getting a new GP. I had an issue that needed addressing in a timely fashion (trying hard not to give TMI. According to one of my strengthsfinder talents, Woo, I am as comfortable sharing with strangers as I am with best friends. So, while it doesn't bother me to talk about my health stuff, it may bother others). I started with a doctor that had been recommended to me. She was not accepting new patients. I was on my way out to the car headed to a visit for work, so I quickly jotted down a few numbers of nearby doctors to find one who could take me on. After three or four, I found one, and he was able to see me that same day.

Obviously, I had no prior knowledge of him or what kind of doctor he is. Boy, did I luck out. He was friendly, made social conversation about how long we had both been married, asked thoughtful questions and listened to my answers about not only what I had gone in for, but also my frustration with trying to conceive. We had a good discussion about how hard it is to go through this process, how deeply personal it is for me and Ben and what our options are in terms of solutions moving forward (if it's determined that solutions are needed). It was not a patient mill like I've experienced in the past, and the fact that he didn't interrupt me was a big plus--Lord knows that's one of my pet peeves anyway, much less when I'm trying to answer questions a doctor just asked.

Having a doctor listen and sympathize with my issues was heartening. He was also very candid and said that if there are concerns with myself or with Ben that many of them are easily dealt with. That was reassuring as well. Even more, he asked if Ben was eager for a baby as well. Seriously, so impressed.

So, three more months and if there's still no baby, I'll be open to the options available to us. :)

Some days are harder...

Another month and no conception. It's been nine months of trying now. It seems strange to me that if Ben and I had conceived the first month we started trying, we would nearly have a baby right now. As it is, we won't have a baby this year. Some days are harder to accept that than others.

I don't talk about my struggle much on Facebook. It's not something I like sharing and I also don't want to have some cheese with my whine. I did the other day, though, when I found out we weren't pregnant again. I tried not to be heavy handed about it, but did express my frustration and said that things were hard. I got a lot of positive support, which I was very grateful for. Several friends said that it would happen when it is meant to and not to get discouraged. Several others offered listening ears. I am so lucky to have supportive friends and family.

I had a hard enough time talking about it on Facebook and an even harder time deciding to make this blog public. It's not that I don't appreciate the feedback and offers to swap tales of frustration, I do appreciate it. I pray and tell myself every day that it will happen in it's own time and that I should stay optimistic. Most days it works. Some days it doesn't. As strange as it sounds, I would rather not talk to others who have struggled with conception. I don't frequent message boards on the topic, nor do I seek it out in general conversation. Seeing and hearing others who are having trouble discourages me. It makes me think it will never happen for us. I want to stay positive and discussing negative things challenges that positivity.

However, I have not experienced a miscarriage (that I'm aware of) and I have resolved that if I ever do, I will need to talk to people about it. It won't be something I think I could handle privately. A friend suggested to me that I not announce my pregnancy until after the first trimester in case I do miscarry. I completely understand her logic, but I would NEED the strength of my friends and family at that point to help me through. I can't internalize that much sadness.

Ben has been wonderful these past nine months, really like always. I see that he is happily ready to start a family with me and shares my disappointment when we find out that we didn't conceive that month. I tend to take it harder than he does. But, if we were both blubbering messes I doubt it would be very helpful. It's good that he is strong when I am weak.

The doctor said when I was there a few months ago that I needed to wait until we'd been trying for a year before they'd do fertility tests. I was thinking about it the other day and as hard as I think it would be, I will probably wait until it's been 13 months to make an appointment, for multiple reasons. First, to ensure that an entire year has passed and that it won't finally happen in the next month after a year (especially since depending on who you talk to, birth control use can inhibit fertilization up to a year and I was on birth control for more than a third of my life). Second, Ben is going to be taking the bar at the end of July and studying practically from graduation until that time. We probably won't see each other hardly at all during that time, much less be able to find some free time we could attend an appointment together. So, if I wait until August, assuming we still haven't conceived, we will have thirteen months under our belts as well as a more forgiving schedule. I'm not terribly happy about it, but I think it will be for the best.

Until then, some days will still be harder and I just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

Be Prepared

What kind of Eagle Scout wife would I be if I wasn't prepared?

I bought a Halloween costume for a baby I don't even have. Ben rolled his eyes affectionately at me when I showed him. Can a person roll their eyes affectionately? Sure, why not! It's a fuzzy snowman and it's practically perfect...size 0-9 months, warm for our Ohio October, unisex and best of all, less than $10.

That's not all I've got! I have a few maternity shirts hiding in my closet. I also got a toddler tuxedo and gnome costume from a friend. We've got four names chosen--two boy names and two girl names (first AND middle) in case we have two children of the same gender. I told Ben that we can have as many children as he wants, but I'm only giving birth to two. We'll see if that sticks. I've been pinning like a madwoman on Pinterest, getting all kinds of ideas for tips, tricks, birth announcement ideas and basically anything cute and baby-fied.

I even talked to my OB at my appointment this week to see how I could do my best (the Cub Scout motto!) to prepare for pregnancy. She told me prenatal vitamins ASAP, so that they're in my system during the first six to eight weeks when the baby's setting up shop. She also said that they don't typically counsel until a couple has been trying for a year, since 80% conceive within that time. Odds are in my favor! Until then, I guess I'll have to keep pinning away and amassing clothes that make Ben roll his eyes.