Several thoughts and a song

This is going to be a mix of several unrelated thoughts...none of them enough to warrant their own entry. I'm also including a song at the end that I wrote 3 years ago, before Ben and I were married, but when I was very much wanting children, and unsure of when we would be pursuing our goal of parenthood.

1. A friend was recently talking to me about some financial hardships he and his wife (and their son) have been facing. He said that he was looking at curses as blessings and explained why the hardships would help him in the long-run. It made me think of how I could look at the frustration I have with trying to conceive. If we had gotten pregnant right away, we would be facing bar exam with a baby, possibly without a job for Ben. Difficult. If we had gotten pregnant within the first few months, we would be facing bar prep/exam with an imminent delivery, possibly without a job for Ben. Also difficult. If we had gotten pregnant around the beginning of the year, we would be facing both of my siblings' weddings in September with an imminent delivery, possibly without a job for Ben or a very new job for Ben. Not desirable. If we get pregnant now(ish), there is a good chance Ben will have found a job, will have been there a few months, hopefully, and we might be in a better position to welcome a baby into our family.

2. I had a dream the other day. I dreamt that an acquaintance and I were riding in the back seat of a car together and the acquaintance was pregnant (she is not IRL). She was going on and on and on and on about the pregnancy and I ran out of patience. When she started talking about it again, I screamed "I hate you" at her. In the dream, I immediately felt badly (though it did make her stop talking about it) and apologized for yelling and saying that I hated her. I woke up shortly after that and felt even more badly. I don't feel hatred toward anyone who is pregnant. Jealousy? Of course, but not hatred. It disturbed me that my subconscious was putting those thoughts in my head.

3. I was looking at the app I use to keep track of my cycles. I also keep track of our attempts at conception, so that when we do get pregnant, we can be able to figure out when it took place. I've been keeping up with it pretty well since December. When Ben and I had our talk and said we (I) would stop doing so much to track/monitor stuff, this is the one thing I kept up. First, it's just good to know when to expect stuff. Second, it helps me remember things, like when things started going wonky and times we were more active than others. Every month since December there has been a time of inactivity at least 5 days long--except this month. I'm hopeful. I have to be.

4. If you're reading this and you've asked me (or someone else) this next question, know that I hold no ill will toward you, but I do want to express my feelings about the question and my internal reaction. Twice in the last week, I have been asked when Ben and I planned to start a family. Neither of the people who asked are people I would consider friends, but merely acquaintances or friends of friends. This is not an unusual occurrence. I want to use this medium to explain what goes through my head and the emotions attached.
Innocent questioner: "When are you guys going to have a baby of your own?"
Me, in my head: *weeps* I wish we had one already. We've been trying for several months now, not to mention the years I spent waiting to just be able to try. It's really hard, you know, seeing other people being pregnant, with babies, etc and having this difficulty.
*annoyed* First of all, why is it your business? I get that you're curious/making conversation/want us to, but frankly that is a very personal question. Second, what answer do you want? Do you want me to smile and say 'When God wants it to happen'? Do you want me to go into detail about how we've struggled month after month of failures? Do you want me to give you permission to contribute your unsolicited opinion/advice on the topic? Why don't you tell me about what you did that helped you be successful that I haven't already tried over and over?
*self-talk* Don't say anything sarcastic or nasty, Janine. Give them the benefit of the doubt. They don't mean anything by it. They probably don't realize what they've just asked. Just pull yourself together, don't cry, and act upbeat.
Me, out loud: "We've been trying for a while now. We're hoping next month will be our month."

Please think about the question you may feel inclined to ask and consider what might be going through my mind or the mind of another woman/man you would be asking. Those emotions don't go away easily. You have just reminded me again of the frustration around trying to conceive that I try to keep hidden and under control. I may carry it with me for hours or the rest of the day until I'm no longer preoccupied by it.

5. So, here is the song. Like I said, originally I had written it in September 2010, before I got married, which you'll see in the lyrics. I've updated it slightly to reflect more of my current situation.

One of these days, you say
you'll be a daddy.
One of these days, you say,
once you have your degree.
I know that's how
it really should be.
So I will wait for
one of these days.
One of these days, I say,
I'll be a mommy.
One of these days, I say,
when we settle down.
I know that I
have yet to wear
my wedding gown.
So I will wait for
one of these days.
I've done so much waiting already;
the years have gone in the blink of an eye.
It's getting harder to smile through the tears.
How long will it be until my tears can dry?
One of these days, they say,
we'll have a family.
One of these days, they say,
it's not too late.
I know that I
will continue to wait...
until it's finally one of these days.
But why can't today
be one of these days?
Yes, why can't today
be one of these days?
Please say that today
is one of these days.