I don’t know...

August 26,2018

It’s been almost a year and a half since the miscarriage, but I swear it feels like yesterday. I don’t know...

And yet, when I think about how long we’ve been trying for a baby again (since January), it feels like forever. I don’t know if I have it in me to keep trying. Sometimes I look at Jonas and am so lucky to be his mom and decide that it’s ok to just be Jonas’s mom. Then other times I look at Jonas and want so badly for him to have a sibling, to share his life with them, to share our family with them. I know I have so much more love to give to another child, but I don’t know...

Part of me wants to just let it all go and give up trying for a baby. I almost did back in May when Jonas’s IQ eval came back so low. I really had to reflect on whether I should focus on helping Jonas be successful rather than adding another child into the mix. That month and the month my grandmother passed away were complete wastes in our efforts for conception. I told Ben at that time that I wanted us to wait two weeks, muse on it and talk about it again. We decided we wanted to keep trying. But now I don’t know...

The other part of me wonders if I will be able to forgive myself if I walk away from trying. Ben has suggested talking to the obgyn about fertility options. I still haven’t made the appointment. I don’t know if I want to, but I don’t know if thats fair to him. I almost feel like at this point, if I’m not going to get pregnant unassisted I might as well call it a day, because I really don’t want to go though a rigamarol of spent money and tests and anxiety and who knows what medication just to maybe get pregnant in my late 30s. But we want this baby so badly. I don’t know...

I know there is always adoption or fostering, but if I’m already hesitant to spend money on fertility options, adoption is way more expensive. And fostering would just break my heart. If it’s not going to happen, then that’s ok. I am so very happy to have Jonas and it’s good enough for me. But am I robbing Jonas of the opportunity of having a sibling just out of inconvenience? I don’t know...

I just don’t know...

Duh, winning!

I called the ob today. I took my blood glucose test last Thursday and wanted to give them a couple of days to get the results. Holy cow, that test was terrible. I wasn't even all the way through the 10oz of 50g sugar drink and I felt sick. Luckily I was able to hold it off until they took my blood an hour later and then threw up. I felt like crap the rest of the day. Anyway, I digress. They had the results and said that I passed. Wahoo!! Good thing, because if it had been inconclusive, I would have needed to do a 3 hour test instead. I don't know if I would have been able to keep from getting sick that long.

While I had them on the phone, I asked if it would be possible to speak with the doctor about how necessary the additional ultrasound that had been scheduled was. Those following along at home may remember that they had said that Jonas was measuring large. They said they would review the last ultrasounds and call me back. Well, they just did. They said that they felt his size could be monitored through fundal height measurements at each visit going forward (which starting on the 17th will be every two weeks. I can get behind that. They did mention that if they feel it's necessary, we may revisit having an ultrasound done at 34-36 weeks, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

For now, I feel like I've got Adonis DNA (must be little Jonas haha) and tiger blood in my veins (the cat has scratched me a few times, though we liken him to a lion more often than a tiger) because I'm, duh, winning!

24 weeks and counting

I had my third ultrasound on Thursday. The first was at 6 weeks to determine how far along I was, since I had no stinking clue. The second was the typical one at 20 weeks. They weren't able to get a great look at his spine that time, so they wanted to give it another shot. They had also told me I had a low placenta, and they wanted to check on that as well. I didn't think anything of the low placenta thing until I went to the doctor the next day. He asked me if they had mentioned anything about pelvic rest. Uh, no? So I went home and checked about low placenta and pelvic rest. I had thought when they said low placenta they meant, like, volume wise. Apparently it means geographically. If you have a low placenta it can either partially or fully cover the cervix, which can cause complications in a vaginal birth, so a lot of times they do a c-section. I didn't have any problems with that, but it was the pelvic rest that kind of worried me. When they put you on pelvic rest from the low placenta, it has a very specific purpose. I'll let you look it up in case you're not familiar with it. But, needless to say I was none too happy. While the ultrasound people hadn't recommended that I go on pelvic rest, and the doctor just mentioned that I should let them know if I have any related symptoms, I was concerned about the possibility of causing early labor with certain activities. So, at my 24 week ultrasound they were able to confirm that the placenta had moved and it wasn't low anymore. Thank. God. They also were able to get images of his spine, though I don't know if it was any easier this time than last--the tech specifically mentioned that he was moving a lot and she had to move fast. Wand-click; wand-click; wand-click. It seems like he is always moving. I wonder if this is an indication of things to come post-birth. Whew!

I had my 24 week appointment at the doctor on Friday. They hadn't gotten the results of the ultrasound yet for some reason, but I had several questions that they were able to answer. I'd been starting to get short of breath from sitting. I had a feeling it was just from less real estate for my organs, but I wanted to double check. Sure enough, that's pretty much it. He did say if I was gasping for air or had chest pains when breathing, that I shouldn't ignore it. Luckily, it's nothing like that. I had also gotten an appointment reminder card in the mail for my annual wellness exam. I didn't know if I still needed to do that since I was pregnant and/or coming in anyway. I figured if I did, it might be possible to piggy back appointments. But, he was actually surprised that I had gotten the reminder card and said I didn't need to do the annual exam. That's a relief! Additionally, I had been kicking around the thought of prenatal massage and several of the places I was looking at were requiring a prescription or prenatal care notice from the doctor. I brought this up to him and he was incredibly supportive of the idea. I got my prenatal care notice so I can get something schedule. It probably won't be until after the first of the year, because things are tight financially for us and I may just use some Christmas money to cover it. But, at least I know it's something that my doctor has given his stamp of approval on.

I also asked about how I'm doing in the weight-gain department. I have thus far gained 18 pounds. I was trying to keep it under 25, but I don't know if that will happen. It's hard when I had *just* lost 26 pounds. From what I had read, if you were already overweight, which I was (but working on), 25 pounds was the top end of what you were recommended to gain. The doctor said 18 pounds was pretty normal and he said as long as I keep it somewhere around 30 pounds I should be ok. I think I can handle that. He also asked if I felt like I was eating everything in sight. I really don't. I actually don't always have the appetite I feel like I should have. It's not unusual for me to not finish my food anymore. I asked Ben if he felt like I was eating everything in sight, wondering if I just had rose-colored glasses on in terms of my own interpretation. He agreed with me that I haven't been. I also don't feel like I'm gaining excess weight; in fact, many people have commented that I am all baby-belly.

The other thing that got established at the doctor's appointment is that I'm at the point where I need to do the gestational diabetes check. Wheeeee. In a couple weeks I have to go, chug a super-sugar drink and then get my blood drawn an hour later to test my blood sugar. That should be tons of fun. Also, starting with the next appointment, I'm going to be seeing the doctor every 2 weeks rather than the 4 week interval I've been keeping for the last 18 weeks. It's crazy that things are progressing so quickly...but I know it's not quickly at all, it's perfectly routine. The days haven't passed any faster, the weeks haven't been shorter and there hasn't been any distortion to the space-time continuum. It just does not seem like it was that long ago that I took my positive pregnancy test. Before I know it, April and little Baby Jonas will be here. Two weeks from this Tuesday will be 90 days until my due date. I can hardly believe it.

The next step

Well, it's done. After a week and a half of forgetting to call until the office was closed, I was able to schedule an appointment (after the Bar) to talk to the doctor about our inabilities thus far to conceive. That was a hard call to make--not because I felt like I was admitting defeat or was ashamed, but because I didn't really know how to handle the call. What I ended up saying to the person who answered the phone was that I wanted to make an appointment and that we'd been trying to conceive for over a year and wanted to speak to the doctor about it. Once the appointment was made, I asked if I would need to attend by myself or if Ben could/should attend as well. She said it was up to me. I've told Ben that I'd like it if he went with me, but I'd understand if he couldn't (I'd much prefer he go to an interview, for instance).

Now that that's taken care of, I'm not entirely sure what to expect. This is where all those people who offered listening ears and advice come in. Until now, I was doing ok on my own and with Ben. But, now I have no clue what's going to come next. Any and all advice you could give would be appreciated, whether that's helping me be prepared for what they'll talk to us about or sharing your decision making process when you went down a similar road. I know several friends who have chosen different options-- fertility treatments, hormone therapy (are those the same thing?? See I don't know! Lol), IVF, adoption, etc-- each with their levels of success. I am very open at this point to hear your pros/cons, experiences, determining factors, what have you. I may not be in the same situation exactly, but it will all help me figure out what our best course of action is for our specific situation.

So, bring it on! I need all the help I can get! :)

Several thoughts and a song

This is going to be a mix of several unrelated thoughts...none of them enough to warrant their own entry. I'm also including a song at the end that I wrote 3 years ago, before Ben and I were married, but when I was very much wanting children, and unsure of when we would be pursuing our goal of parenthood.

1. A friend was recently talking to me about some financial hardships he and his wife (and their son) have been facing. He said that he was looking at curses as blessings and explained why the hardships would help him in the long-run. It made me think of how I could look at the frustration I have with trying to conceive. If we had gotten pregnant right away, we would be facing bar exam with a baby, possibly without a job for Ben. Difficult. If we had gotten pregnant within the first few months, we would be facing bar prep/exam with an imminent delivery, possibly without a job for Ben. Also difficult. If we had gotten pregnant around the beginning of the year, we would be facing both of my siblings' weddings in September with an imminent delivery, possibly without a job for Ben or a very new job for Ben. Not desirable. If we get pregnant now(ish), there is a good chance Ben will have found a job, will have been there a few months, hopefully, and we might be in a better position to welcome a baby into our family.

2. I had a dream the other day. I dreamt that an acquaintance and I were riding in the back seat of a car together and the acquaintance was pregnant (she is not IRL). She was going on and on and on and on about the pregnancy and I ran out of patience. When she started talking about it again, I screamed "I hate you" at her. In the dream, I immediately felt badly (though it did make her stop talking about it) and apologized for yelling and saying that I hated her. I woke up shortly after that and felt even more badly. I don't feel hatred toward anyone who is pregnant. Jealousy? Of course, but not hatred. It disturbed me that my subconscious was putting those thoughts in my head.

3. I was looking at the app I use to keep track of my cycles. I also keep track of our attempts at conception, so that when we do get pregnant, we can be able to figure out when it took place. I've been keeping up with it pretty well since December. When Ben and I had our talk and said we (I) would stop doing so much to track/monitor stuff, this is the one thing I kept up. First, it's just good to know when to expect stuff. Second, it helps me remember things, like when things started going wonky and times we were more active than others. Every month since December there has been a time of inactivity at least 5 days long--except this month. I'm hopeful. I have to be.

4. If you're reading this and you've asked me (or someone else) this next question, know that I hold no ill will toward you, but I do want to express my feelings about the question and my internal reaction. Twice in the last week, I have been asked when Ben and I planned to start a family. Neither of the people who asked are people I would consider friends, but merely acquaintances or friends of friends. This is not an unusual occurrence. I want to use this medium to explain what goes through my head and the emotions attached.
Innocent questioner: "When are you guys going to have a baby of your own?"
Me, in my head: *weeps* I wish we had one already. We've been trying for several months now, not to mention the years I spent waiting to just be able to try. It's really hard, you know, seeing other people being pregnant, with babies, etc and having this difficulty.
*annoyed* First of all, why is it your business? I get that you're curious/making conversation/want us to, but frankly that is a very personal question. Second, what answer do you want? Do you want me to smile and say 'When God wants it to happen'? Do you want me to go into detail about how we've struggled month after month of failures? Do you want me to give you permission to contribute your unsolicited opinion/advice on the topic? Why don't you tell me about what you did that helped you be successful that I haven't already tried over and over?
*self-talk* Don't say anything sarcastic or nasty, Janine. Give them the benefit of the doubt. They don't mean anything by it. They probably don't realize what they've just asked. Just pull yourself together, don't cry, and act upbeat.
Me, out loud: "We've been trying for a while now. We're hoping next month will be our month."

Please think about the question you may feel inclined to ask and consider what might be going through my mind or the mind of another woman/man you would be asking. Those emotions don't go away easily. You have just reminded me again of the frustration around trying to conceive that I try to keep hidden and under control. I may carry it with me for hours or the rest of the day until I'm no longer preoccupied by it.

5. So, here is the song. Like I said, originally I had written it in September 2010, before I got married, which you'll see in the lyrics. I've updated it slightly to reflect more of my current situation.

One of these days, you say
you'll be a daddy.
One of these days, you say,
once you have your degree.
I know that's how
it really should be.
So I will wait for
one of these days.
One of these days, I say,
I'll be a mommy.
One of these days, I say,
when we settle down.
I know that I
have yet to wear
my wedding gown.
So I will wait for
one of these days.
I've done so much waiting already;
the years have gone in the blink of an eye.
It's getting harder to smile through the tears.
How long will it be until my tears can dry?
One of these days, they say,
we'll have a family.
One of these days, they say,
it's not too late.
I know that I
will continue to wait...
until it's finally one of these days.
But why can't today
be one of these days?
Yes, why can't today
be one of these days?
Please say that today
is one of these days.