I don’t know...

August 26,2018

It’s been almost a year and a half since the miscarriage, but I swear it feels like yesterday. I don’t know...

And yet, when I think about how long we’ve been trying for a baby again (since January), it feels like forever. I don’t know if I have it in me to keep trying. Sometimes I look at Jonas and am so lucky to be his mom and decide that it’s ok to just be Jonas’s mom. Then other times I look at Jonas and want so badly for him to have a sibling, to share his life with them, to share our family with them. I know I have so much more love to give to another child, but I don’t know...

Part of me wants to just let it all go and give up trying for a baby. I almost did back in May when Jonas’s IQ eval came back so low. I really had to reflect on whether I should focus on helping Jonas be successful rather than adding another child into the mix. That month and the month my grandmother passed away were complete wastes in our efforts for conception. I told Ben at that time that I wanted us to wait two weeks, muse on it and talk about it again. We decided we wanted to keep trying. But now I don’t know...

The other part of me wonders if I will be able to forgive myself if I walk away from trying. Ben has suggested talking to the obgyn about fertility options. I still haven’t made the appointment. I don’t know if I want to, but I don’t know if thats fair to him. I almost feel like at this point, if I’m not going to get pregnant unassisted I might as well call it a day, because I really don’t want to go though a rigamarol of spent money and tests and anxiety and who knows what medication just to maybe get pregnant in my late 30s. But we want this baby so badly. I don’t know...

I know there is always adoption or fostering, but if I’m already hesitant to spend money on fertility options, adoption is way more expensive. And fostering would just break my heart. If it’s not going to happen, then that’s ok. I am so very happy to have Jonas and it’s good enough for me. But am I robbing Jonas of the opportunity of having a sibling just out of inconvenience? I don’t know...

I just don’t know...

A new journey

4/15/17 I promise, I didn't forget about you! I've just been busy learning how to be a new mom. Jonas brings new challenges and joys every day! It's a wonder I remember to change my contact lenses!

I have another journey to motherhood that I'm embarking on! Ben and I discovered we were pregnant with our second child this week! We are excited and nervous about expanding our family. This won't be posted until we make it public, but I wanted to put it down in words while I still remember how it feels.

I thought I was due for my cycle on Tuesday, but once I checked it was actually supposed to be Monday. The last few months have had some false hope and I would wait a day or two to take the test just for it to be negative. I decided this month that I just wanted to get it out of the way so I wouldn't stress for two days just to have another negative test. To my surprise, it was positive! I wanted to give Ben his "Dad" picture frame again, but I couldn't find it. I asked him where it was (it had actually come up in conversation recently, so Ben wasn't suspicious by my question). He wasn't sure, but said he would find it. I told him he might need it. That was when he caught on and asked if I was pregnant. I said yes!

If I'm being honest, I'm worried about my age in regard to the pregnancy. I was 16 days shy of my 35th birthday when I found out I was pregnant. It's one of those scary numbers that looms over a woman and is sort of the 11th hour of her biological clock. I don't feel old. I don't feel as though my odds for complications should be higher, but they are. I'm being more careful of what I'm eating now, and trying to get back to a healthy weight for when I start to gain it again from the pregnancy. I am doing my best to stay away from sick children at work. I'm trying to be in tune with my body and rest when I need to rest and understand what my limitations are. I don't want to do something that could add to any potential complications. Ben and I tried for 11 months this time (Jonas took 13 months) and I'm ready to take on the next step of nurturing the little being inside me!

I scheduled my ob appointment. They wanted to wait until I'm 8 weeks along. AGONY!! I think we were spoiled with Jonas's pregnancy. I honestly didn't believe the pregnancy test and we already had an appointment scheduled (which was actually why I took the test in the first place) so I just kept it. Within a week of finding out we were pregnant with Jonas, we had a doctor appointment, a HCG test and an ultrasound. And now I have to wait another month just to get in to the doctor! From what I read, though, it's pretty common. It doesn't make it easier, though. Haha I'm looking forward to getting to that milestone so we can set our eyes on the next landmark on our journey. Wish us well!

Hopes and fears

5/10/17 My first prenatal doctor appointment is in two days. I have spent the better part of the last two and a half weeks spotting lightly (sorry TMI), and I am worried that I could be miscarrying. When I was pregnant with Jonas, well let me rephrase that, before I knew I was pregnant with Jonas I had eleven days of spotting that I thought was my period. This time around, I had no period for two weeks and then began spotting. That was three Sundays ago. I know spotting is common and isn't necessarily cause for concern, but I also know it might be cause for concern. It has never been heavy and really no cramps to speak of other than a twinge here and there that is also normal.

Jonas yesterday as I was putting him to bed kissed me twice on the stomach. My son is very affectionate. He has thrown an epic tantrum before because I told him he could not kiss the parking lot puddle. One day as he was getting dressed for school, he insisted on hugging each article of clothing before putting it on. Random kisses on the cheek, but more often smack on the lips, happen multiple times a day. But to be given kisses on my stomach was unexpected. I asked him why he kissed me there and he either couldn't or wouldn't tell me.

He does not know that I am pregnant. It is too abstract of a concept for him to understand right now. I'm not entirely certain when we will tell him, but we haven't even made it public yet, so it seems too early to expect a three year old to understand that mommy is growing another baby inside her when mommy doesn't look any different. And the waiting...oh Lordy it's going to be hard enough once I do start showing explaining that there are still several months before the baby will be here. The longer we can give ourselves to avoid that, I will. So, the fact that he kissed me on the stomach was even more out of context given that he doesn't know I'm pregnant. I choose to take comfort in the act, however. Comfort in his natural love and unspoken prayer for a sibling he will never meet if I did miscarry, or comfort in his innate hospitality and intuitive well wishes for a continued healthy pregnancy, is still undetermined. But, whichever comfort I will need, I know I can get it not only from my amazing son, but my incredible husband, my wonderful family and my fabulous friends. I have a strong support system and there is nothing I can't face with them by my side, whether it is sharing in mourning or sharing in joy.

I'm hopeful that we will be sharing joy, yet I can't quiet the fear that there may be grief. But I will find comfort in my blessings.

Time keeps on slipping

9/18/17 There are now fewer weeks until Christmas than there have been since my miscarriage. It does not seem like it should be mid-September. Time feels like it is crawling and whizzing by at the same time. I should be 27 weeks pregnant right now. My blood tests have all come back with good results. I'm looking forward to the new year when we can start trying again. But there is always a nagging feeling/voice/thought that the next test is going to indicate cancer...that I am not done fighting and I am done having children. If this is my family forever and ever amen I am ok with that but the unknowing of my situation is what plagues me.

As a 35 year old woman, I can practically feel my biological clock ticking. However, if the Duchess of Cambridge can have a healthy pregnancy at 35, so can I! I read a poem the other day that has stuck with me...sort of like "I Will Wait" did with Jonas. It said "What if I fall? Oh but my darling what if you fly?" And it has given me a renewed resolve. Sure, there could be issues; issues can happen anyway, right? But I shouldn't give up on the basis of "what if's."

There's another saying I saw recently that said "You are not too old and it is not too late." And while it was written general on purpose to keep it applicable to a wide range of readers, it really struck home about my journey to motherhood. I'm going to keep these two quotes handy on the days when time seems to be slipping and my doubts creep in.

Best laid plans

Oh my. It has been a while, hasn't it? I had all kinds of intentions for blogging--I even planned a follow-up to my "I Will Wait" blog from more than a year ago. Aaaannnnnndddddd it never happened. It might, still, but not today.

I'm currently 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Except I'm not. Nope, little baby Jonas had other plans. Two weeks ago exactly, at 37 weeks and 1 day, as I was getting out of bed to get ready for work, my water broke. When I called Ben to tell him, he wanted to make sure I hadn't actually peed my pants. Pretty sure peeing your pants doesn't happen involuntarily multiple times in succession. :p I called my boss to tell her I wouldn't be in and she asked how I was doing. I mentioned that I didn't really know how I was getting to the hospital since Ben was in Cinci, and she generously came and got me and drove me to the hospital.

I didn't start having contractions until Ben got there, close to an hour after my water had broken. They verified that it had, in fact, broken (apparently they wanted to make sure I hadn't peed my pants, too!) and then got me into a room. The first couple hours of contracting weren't bad...manageable at least. Time went by so very fast.

I was dilating ok and progressing as they would expect. But then the contractions got pretty painful. I opted to have some medication to help with the contractions, but it was still more than I felt I could handle. I tried getting in the bath (I had requested a room with a tub) and getting on the birthing ball, but neither offered enough relief to make it worth it. So, I chose to have an epidural after seven hours of contractions.

It made things quite a bit better. I dilated up to 8 1/2-9 inches quickly...as in, within 10 minutes. But then I stalled. For three hours I made no progress, the baby's heart rate dropped several times and they noticed that he hadn't descended into my pelvis. They were concerned that he wouldn't make it through my small pelvis and suggested considering a c-section. After talking it over with Ben, we decided that would be the best course of action and within a half hour, my son had joined us!

The last two weeks have been a wonderful and frazzling time. Jonas has grown more than half a pound from his birth weight and brings new experiences to our family every day.

Between issues with the cat jumping in the bassinet to honing our swaddling abilities to sorting our a night time schedule (which works most of the time), it has been an adventure. While our best laid plans haven't always gone the way we wanted, they haven't always gone awry, either. I'm ready to see where this little guy will take us and how we will grow together.

The journey isn't over now that he's here. It's just a new direction that we're headed in, and it is certain to change on us countless times over the next couple of decades as we continue on the journey. He is a precious addition to our lives and we are lucky to call ourselves his parents. Whatever our best laid plans may be through this journey, he is worth every bit of it.

Top 5 of the First Trimester

It's hard to describe what the first trimester was like for me, so I'm going to try to sum it up in 5 adjectives, in no particular order (you can probably figure out what the order is, lol).

1. Exhausting
Physically exhausting? YES! Mentally exhausting? YES! I was tired all the time and was regularly going to bed around 9-10p. That may not seem that bad, but I was used to going to bed around 11p-12a. Even on days when I wanted to stay up later, my body was functional and upright (mostly), but I was a zombie. It was not pretty. Also, for the majority of the first trimester, we were keeping it under wraps. It was extremely hard and mentally draining to go about my day around people who didn't know as if things were just fine. I did give some indication that I wasn't operating at 100%, but I couldn't go into detail or really explain just how <100% I was. Pretending to be at around 85-90% when you're really at 60-65% is so incredibly exhausting. When we finally made it public, my exhaustion level actually got better because I didn't have to pretend anymore. How crazy is that?

2. Surreal
I've said it before here on the blog that it was really tough convincing myself I was actually pregnant for a long time. I don't know how to adequately describe it. It just didn't seem like it was really happening to me. Even now, I still have surreal moments, like being pregnant is something that happens to other people and I just see it, I'm not really experiencing it. It's hard to apply what I've seen from others to myself. I'm hoping as I start to show more and feel the baby move that it will solidify to me.

3. Uncomfortable
Oh, man was it uncomfortable! I was nauseous almost constantly unless I snacked every hour or two. Sometimes I just wished I could get sick and feel better. Beyond that, at about week 11 I felt like I was being stabbed in my left side. Well, to be fair, it started out feeling twingy like I slept in a bad position, then the next day like I had run too far and too long and I had a stitch in my side, then the third day is when it was stabby-stabby. I called the doctor and they said it was the round ligaments stretching. Stuff was getting bigger, yo! Luckily it was just that one day and then it went back to the stitch, and then to the twingy. The icing on the cake was the last week of the first trimester I got hit with one of the worst colds I can remember. I was literally knocked on my back. I couldn't take anything for it (though we ended up contacting the doctor and he suggested Sudafed, which really didn't help a whole lot, really), I was getting sick from the sinus drainage and coughing every other breath. I still have a stuffy nose almost a month later, and I'm still at times getting sick from the drainage.

4. Overwhelming
There are so many things to think about and be aware of and plan for. Ben is still struggling to find a job. We've had to get creative in our finances, both in terms of cutting things down/out of our budget, but also in figuring out how to keep our bills paid when the savings has been drained. We have been fortunate in that there have been options available to us, but it continues to be something that overwhelms us daily. We have a plan for the nursery and such, but we're in a holding pattern until we can get other things straightened out. I had a minor freak out the other day about needing to sign up for birthing classes...until I realized that I probably had several months before that needed to be something on my mind. There have been numerous conversations, from genetic testing to natural birth vs. epidural to godparents to whether we'll circumcise if it's a boy. And I know we've barely scratched the surface.

5. Exciting
It was crazy how fast it went, honestly. The first few weeks went by so slowly, but being here at 15 weeks now and knowing that ten weeks ago was when we found out...it does not seem like it has been that long. Each new experience, each trial and tribulation, each milestone we reach has been incredibly exciting. I feel blessed to be journeying through motherhood and sharing the journey with Ben.

What I did today...

First of several posts that remained hidden until the pregnancy was announced. This was written the day I took the first positive pregnancy test on August 4th, 2013.

This morning I was stressed about Ben not having a job. We had an argument, but it didn't last long. I told him I was scared, and he said he felt the same, but that we would figure it out together.

I looked for jobs for him. There were a couple prospects, but mostly I researched substitute teaching jobs for him so that we'll have something at least to pay the bills for a while. I hope something pans out.

I ordered Wing Zone for lunch. I like Wing Zone, but Ben's not crazy about it. He got BW3 instead. He always gets the parmesan garlic wings that gives him the most horrible breath!

I worked on my beading a little. I was going to start on wine glass charms, but I realized the wire I had was too thin, so I'll need to pick up some heavier gauge wire. So, I started on ornaments instead. They're coming out nicely, I think. I don't know if they'll sell very well, but it's worth a shot.

Then, Ben helped me paint some leggings for a GenCon costume. It didn't turn out the way I'd like them to, but I think it will be ok.

I asked Ben to cook dinner and he was fine with that. We tried a new sauce with a packet of red beans and rice that we like. I thought the sauce was ok, but not as good as the sauce we usually have with it. I was very appreciative that he cooked, though! I told him one of the best smells in the world was food that someone else cooks. :) I also had the last of the leftovers from when I made my mom's soup earlier this week when Ben was taking the Bar.

I searched for pictures of hairstyles for a haircut I'll be getting soon for my costume (just a little trim. I told Ben I wouldn't cut it drastically until after my siblings' weddings), as well as pictures of hairstyles to get an idea for how my sister wants her hair done for her wedding. I sent my sister a picture that I wanted her opinion on, and we talked back and forth about it and other options.

I watched the newest episode of Drop Dead Diva and Devious Maids and a friend and I texted each other about what took place in DDD. We're both disappointed that Jane and Owen don't seem to be getting back together.

I had bought a basal thermometer and two pregnancy tests from the pharmacy the other day. With our doctor's appointment coming up, I had a feeling they'll want me to start tracking my temperature. Plus, I wanted the tests ahead of time so that when I need them, they'll be here. I had a wonky period this past month and I've been kind of crampy for a couple of weeks. I knew these might be indicators of pregnancy, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. Just to make sure, I took the pregnancy test without telling Ben.

And it was POSITIVE!! I was brushing my hair waiting for it to come through and I happened to look down and see that it said "Pregnant." (I always get the digital ones. I know they're more expensive, but I'd rather have a definitive answer than something I have to interpret.) It took me a second to register that there wasn't a "Not" in front of the "Pregnant." I started shaking and ran (literally ran) outside to the car where I had left a picture frame that said "Dad" on it. I bought it the month I was late and I've kept it in my car so Ben wouldn't see it.

I ran back inside and knocked on Ben's office door. I asked what he was doing, and he said "Why?" I said "What are you doing? Tell me what you're doing." I'm sure it reminded him of the Coca Cola incident when we were first dating, but he humored me and said that he was watching a show. I asked him if he could pause it for a couple of minutes so I could give him something. I handed him the picture frame. He looked at it for a few seconds, then looked at me and said "Are you pregnant??" I started crying and nodded, then went back into the bathroom to get the test and show him. I was still crying as he looked at the test, but I was able to say "Take a picture!!" and we both got our phones and took several pictures of the positive pregnancy test.

The next thing he said was "I need to get a job!" and I couldn't agree more. We are both so happy. We're going to keep the appointment this week with the doctor, and maybe he can take a blood test to confirm. This post will probably be posted several days, weeks or months from now, but I wanted to make sure it was all written down before I forgot about the day I found out I was pregnant. :)

Comfort

I'm going to cross-post this on my Ovarian Cancer Awareness blog.

I had my doctor's appointment this week. They were as helpful as they could be, I suppose. They drew some blood and made me pee twice in forty minutes (the first one got dumped and they didn't consider that they'd need it again). They told me to call back to get some of the test results back.

That time until I could call was both long and short. I was very impatient. But, work kept me busy and a friend even had to remind me to call because of that. The first time I called, I got their voicemail greeting. I didn't want to leave a message, so I figured I'd call back in a few minutes. The second time, someone answered. I gave her my name and why I was calling and she checked my file. They didn't have the results in the file yet, so she needed to find someone who had the paper results and she put me on hold.

The hold music wasn't bad. The first song was a Maroon 5 song...Love Somebody, I think. It ended pretty quickly, as it had been almost over. The next song started and my phone was cutting in and out, but I heard two notes and knew exactly what song it was. I waited until I could hear it completely to say for sure, but I was right. It was the song that reminds me of my mother, I Hope You Dance. It had come out when my mom was dying and I had bought the cassette tape and played it for her. It's not the only song that reminds me of her--there are a couple Christian songs that she loved and the song that she danced to with my dad at their wedding also remind me of her. I've heard one of the Christian songs playing when I needed the reminder, but this is the song that has shown up the most when I needed the reminder. I knew she was with me.

The woman came back on the phone and gave me the test results, which were quite positive, and that means we can move forward. I have a follow-up appointment at the end of the month. Fingers crossed!

Dear baby...

Dear baby,

Hi, I'm your mom. Well, to be honest, I'm not your mom right this second. You aren't even a twinkle in my eye, so I'm not mom quite yet. But, I am ready to be! I thought this would be as good of a time as any to introduce myself. Here are some things about me that you may or may not learn over the many, many years we'll spend together.

-I love to dance. Your dad and I enjoy dancing together, whether it's spontaneously twirling me in the middle of the grocery store, pulling each other into a waltz in the kitchen or going to dance events. It's an activity we like sharing, and I hope it gets passed on to you!

-I also love to sing. Karaoke is a blast. I may not have the best voice, but I don't think I'm too bad, either. I look forward to singing you to sleep or belting out our favorite lyrics in the car.

-I'm pretty darn creative if I do say so myself. I don't know why...things just seem to come to me. A friend the other day told me that I was always thinking. It wasn't in a mean way, but a funny way. She was right! Maybe that's part of being creative is that my brain is always churning and thinking of new ways to do things.

-I'm also pretty logical and analytical. I really like looking at numbers, data, statistics and getting it to make sense, finding the patterns and applying it to my problems. I'm not as analytical as your Uncle Luke, but we can't all be perfect. :)

-I love to go to the thrift store. It is one of my most favorite things to do with your Aunt Sara. First of all, the clothes are inexpensive. Second of all, it's fun looking for a diamond in the rough, that awesome cashmere sweater or leather jacket that you can snatch up. Third of all, we like going into the fancy la-di-da dresses and finding the most hideous one. Going to the thrift store was something I enjoyed doing with my mom growing up, and I can't wait to have those adventures with you, too.

-I'm kind of crazy and goofy and silly. I also know when it's important to be structured and serious and responsible. You have to find a balance that will work for you. Life can't all be fun and games, but it can't all be boring and buttoned-up, either.

-I truly enjoy my job working with child care centers. We help so many programs do lots of good things for children just like you. It makes me so happy to be able to support those children and help their teachers do the best they can for them. I don't know if I will be working when you arrive, or if I am, if I will still be working at 4C. But, it's one of my passions right now.

-I was married before I met your dad. My husband's name was Bryan. We started dating when I was in high school and were together for four years before we got married. Our marriage lasted less than a year before we separated and soon got divorced. We were young when we got married. I was 22 and he was 23. That may not seem young to you, but it is when you're talking about knowing who you are and how who you are will fit with the other person. Neither one of us were prepared to be married. Bryan still had things he wanted to do for himself. I was relying on him a lot after my mom had died and didn't realize how much I was asking of him. It was not a good decision for us to get married when we did, but I wouldn't change it for the world. It made me the person I am today and the wife I am today. If I had not had that experience, it's possible your dad and I never would have met. There are a lot of people in the world who get married as young as I did, or younger, and have very successful marriages. I want you to have a successful marriage. The best advice I can give is to be secure and confident in yourself before you connect your life with someone else's. That doesn't have an age minimum associated with it, but it is a very abstract idea and one that is difficult to gauge at any age. I will be there if you need me to help you figure it out.

-Your dad and I love each other very much. I like to think we have a really good marriage. I hope that it is as strong when we have you as it is now, if not stronger. I know we will need to change in our relationship in order to be good parents for you, but I want to model a positive, loving home environment for you. We may show affection to each other. A lot. It's because we love each other so much and we want to express it. I'd rather embarrass you by being kissy-kissy with your dad than something scary, shameful or harmful.

-I love you very much. Like I said earlier, you're not even you yet, and I already love you. I can't imagine what my life is going to be like with you, but I'm sure as soon as you're here, I won't be able to imagine my life without you.

Another year older

Hopefully not deeper in debt! :)

My birthday came last week. Not a huge milestone...30 was last year. I remember being in my 20s and wanting to have a baby by the time I was 30, at least one. Getting married to my first husband at 22 made that seem like a reasonable goal. Divorcing at 23 put a crimp in it, but I didn't think much of it, especially when I married again at 28. About halfway through 29, I accepted the fact that I wouldn't have a baby by 30. Now here I am at 31 and it's somewhat easier to accept that life doesn't always go the way you plan. I also know that it's now probable that I'll be 32 or older by the time we finally do have a baby. Ben is 2 1/2 years my junior, so it's possible that he will be a father before 30.

The hardest thing for me to accept is my comparison to my mother. I know I shouldn't. I do anyway. I am the oldest of my siblings. I was conceived two months after my parents' wedding and my mom was 29 when I was born. I always thought 29 was old to start a family. By the time my mom was 31, she had both me and my brother. By the time she was 48, she had passed away. It's extremely hard knowing all of this and being faced with month after disappointing month of trying to conceive.

I worry about how long I will have with my children. I have been proactive--in the last 5 years I've had 2 ultrasounds done on my ovaries (and uterus). Both have been normal, aside from one of my ovaries being located south of my uterus rather than north of it. One would think that if something were present on/in my uterus that would be the cause of this issue, it might be visible on the ultrasounds. The most recent one was shortly before Ben and I started actively trying for a baby. Sometimes I can't help feeling like I'm living on borrowed time and I ache at the thought that every day, month, year that I go without a child is one less day, month, year I'll have with them.

Sorry to bum you out. I'm sitting here crying as I type. I've had to go blow my nose once already. My next blog entry will be positive, I promise. Even if I feel compelled to write a tough one again, I will write a positive one first. I do have a lot to be thankful for. Bring it on, 31, I'm ready for you!