Surreal...

Third of several posts that remained hidden until the pregnancy was announced. This was written three weeks after the pregnancy was confirmed.

I feel it's important to share this, because I got so much comfort reading other people's experiences with the same thing.

I don't feel pregnant. It is incredibly surreal. I'm having pretty minor symptoms--I'm tired all the time; my chest hurts only slightly (and only in the last couple of days); when I'm hungry, I'm starving, and when I'm starving, I'm nauseous and when I'm not starving/nauseous, I have indigestion. That's pretty much it. I'm not throwing up or peeing all the time and even though I'm three weeks past the positive pregnancy test and eight weeks along tomorrow, I would not have expected my next cycle for another couple of days. I just feel like all the things I'm feeling and the symptoms I'm having aren't enough to say "Yup, I'm pregnant!"

I kept the appointment we had made to discuss fertility options because I was terrified it wasn't real. Even though they confirmed with a test at that appointment--in addition to a second test I took the day after the first one just in case it was a false positive--and I've had an ultrasound since then, it still feels like I'm pretending that I'm pregnant. I'm avoiding the foods and stuff I'm supposed to (sometimes I forget, like two days after the positive test and the day before I had the appointment when I took a motion sickness pill before a car trip and had a freakout moment; sometimes I don't realize I'm supposed to avoid it, like feta cheese), but again it just feels like I'm pretending.

I really thought the ultrasound would help, but even though they put the word "baby" next to the dollop of abstractness I saw on the screen that blinked like Tinkerbell, it still didn't seem real. I carry the printout around with me and look at it every once in a while to remind myself that I do have something growing inside me. Sometimes it helps. Because it still feels surreal, I'm having trouble connecting to the baby. I feel protective of it and I can't wait to go through the next 32 weeks and beyond, but it's so hard to bond with a baby I am having trouble believing exists.

I've talked with other people I know who have been recently pregnant, as well as looking to the internet for strangers who shared their similar experiences, and it has been a relief to know other people have felt this way. So, I wanted to add my voice to the chorus of friends and strangers that someone else may be turning to. You're not alone and you're not crazy.

Spreading the news

Second of several posts that remained hidden until the pregnancy was announced. This was written three weeks after it was confirmed that I was pregnant.

When you know you're pregnant and no one else does, it is excruciating. I found out three weeks ago and these three weeks have dragged beyond belief. We decided to wait to tell people for two reasons: first, my siblings' weddings are at the beginning of September and we didn't want to steal their rightly-earned thunder; second, the end of September marks the end of my first trimester, and we wanted to wait until the chance of miscarriage was lesser.

That's not to say that we didn't tell a few people. Well, few is not entirely accurate. Like I said, it's excruciating. We told our immediate families, of course. That we did right away. We also told close friends. The problem is we kept thinking of more close friends to tell. So, now while those who DO know don't outnumber those who don't know, there's still more than just a few. My hairdresser also knows, as does the cashier at my dad's favorite restaurant (she noticed me having indigestion and asked if the food was ok. I wanted to make sure she didn't think they had given me food poisoning, so I explained why). It is easier to tell strangers, honestly. Strangers you won't see again and the two reasons above to keep it quiet aren't an issue. It's a good happy medium between not telling anyone and telling the whole world.

Then there are the instances where you are stunned. My sister, her fiance and I were waiting for a flea market to open and a lady standing there with us asked me if we were going to be looking at baby items. After the split second it took me to have 9,000 questions run through my head (am I showing that much? does she have some pregnancy-radar? did my sister say something? is it a coincidence? does she think I'm someone else?), I just said "Not today..." I was at a center yesterday when the staff I was working with insisted on getting me a chair...because I was pregnant. She said that to me. Again, with the 9,000 questions. This time I didn't have as cogent of a response. I said "Um, what?" She explained that someone had told her the person who'd be working with her was pregnant. I asked who had told her that. She said her director. I clarified that she was probably thinking of a coworker of mine who had just given birth. But, I remember how badly people felt when they incorrectly assumed my extra tummy weight was a pregnancy (and sometimes I didn't have pity on them), so I shared that I was, in fact, pregnant but that it wasn't common knowledge and I was trying to figure out how she had known. I made sure to explain our reasons for not telling everyone and asked her and her director to keep my secret.

I wish I could tell people. Every time we decide to share it with someone else, I feel an incredible amount of joy. Sometimes we just come out and say it. Other times we do funny/cute things. For one friend, I tried to video tape her reaction to a picture of the positive pregnancy test. Her hand was over my phone's camera the whole time. At least you could hear her! Another friend asked how my (presumed infertility) doctor's appointment had gone. I walked him through the blood tests and the 2 urine tests in 40 minutes and then said that when the test results came back we'd know how far along I am. It took him a second, but he processed it and figured it out. For a friend of Ben's, we had planned on going to his wife's birthday party, but with our finances tight it wasn't going to work. We called to let them know and apologize and decided to share the news with them. When Ben had called, he asked to talk to both he and his wife. He explained that we were sorry we couldn't make it, but with money being tight and Janine being pregnant, we couldn't justify the trip. It was another second before it registered with them and I could hear the happy shouts through the phone.

I try to be respectful of those who I know have had difficulty like I did (some even more so). I know how I felt when I would find out people were pregnant, and I don't like being the person who may bring that feeling to them. If you're one of those people, I truly apologize for the pain and jealousy and resentment you feel. I wish there was something I could do for you, or some fool-proof advice I can give. All I can do is continue to try to be respectful of your feelings--acknowledge their validity, keep the pregnancy and baby-related talk to a minimum and always be willing to listen if you want to talk. Know that I will endeavor to do all those things, because I know what it's like and being pregnant now doesn't mean I'm no longer empathetic.

Dear baby... (2)

Dear baby,

You won't be joining us this month. While it is hard for me to accept, I must. As I've said before, amazing things take time and you are no exception. Your dad held me yesterday as I wept into his shirt and told me that we were getting all the bad batches out of our system first before we could have an amazing baby. Ok, he used another word other than bad, but it's not a word I want your little ears to hear, so I picked a synonym.

I think I'll tell you about your dad this time. Here are some things to know about him.

-He is a very, very good man. You are very lucky to have a dad like him, and I am lucky to have a husband like him. He will help you grow up to be a good person and a good citizen...the latter probably better than me. ;)

-I'm proud that he is an Eagle Scout. There have been some issues lately around the BSA that have created a not-so-nice view of the scouts. I hope that by the time you are here and will be participating in some form of scouting, that a more welcoming policy has been put in place. Regardless, the scouting movement, apart from its beaurocratic parent organization, stands for loyalty, bravery, kindness and reverence, among others. All of those things are good qualities to have or strive for. He is also a Minisino (one day maybe your Uncle Luke or your dad could explain what that is) and Order of the Arrow brotherhood (which your Grandpa Mike can explain as well).

-He is a talented storyteller. He loves to captivate his audience as he entertains them with his words. He is able to think of ways to describe things that are simple to understand, yet capture his point well. Many times it includes humor. This will be a benefit in his law career. Right now we don't know how that will turn out, but we are hopeful it will be a good process and outcome. It will also be a benefit as a parent. I can't wait to hear him tell you stories.

-He is very close with his family. He and his brother, your Uncle Matt, have a wonderful relationship, even though they are 15 years apart. Your Aunt Emily is very special to him, too, and they enjoy poking fun at each other. His relationship with his parents is one that he cherishes. He can talk to your Grandma Dana about nearly anything and he has so much in common with your Grandpa Mike.

-He is a nerd. He loves to play games like D&D, Dark Heresy, L5R, Minecraft and Fable. In fact, he plays some of these games with me, his family, your Grandpa Bruce and Uncle Luke, and your Uncle Keith and Aunt Sara. Who knows what games will look like or be like when you are old enough to play and appreciate. Be thankful that you have your dad, because if it were up to me, electronics would be used at an absolute minimum. He will be the influence that keeps our parenting balanced.

-He and I both are very much looking forward to having you in our lives. He will do anything in his power for you. So, I don't know how many more bad batches we have to get out of our system before we have you, but it will be worth it.

Dear baby...

Dear baby,

Hi, I'm your mom. Well, to be honest, I'm not your mom right this second. You aren't even a twinkle in my eye, so I'm not mom quite yet. But, I am ready to be! I thought this would be as good of a time as any to introduce myself. Here are some things about me that you may or may not learn over the many, many years we'll spend together.

-I love to dance. Your dad and I enjoy dancing together, whether it's spontaneously twirling me in the middle of the grocery store, pulling each other into a waltz in the kitchen or going to dance events. It's an activity we like sharing, and I hope it gets passed on to you!

-I also love to sing. Karaoke is a blast. I may not have the best voice, but I don't think I'm too bad, either. I look forward to singing you to sleep or belting out our favorite lyrics in the car.

-I'm pretty darn creative if I do say so myself. I don't know why...things just seem to come to me. A friend the other day told me that I was always thinking. It wasn't in a mean way, but a funny way. She was right! Maybe that's part of being creative is that my brain is always churning and thinking of new ways to do things.

-I'm also pretty logical and analytical. I really like looking at numbers, data, statistics and getting it to make sense, finding the patterns and applying it to my problems. I'm not as analytical as your Uncle Luke, but we can't all be perfect. :)

-I love to go to the thrift store. It is one of my most favorite things to do with your Aunt Sara. First of all, the clothes are inexpensive. Second of all, it's fun looking for a diamond in the rough, that awesome cashmere sweater or leather jacket that you can snatch up. Third of all, we like going into the fancy la-di-da dresses and finding the most hideous one. Going to the thrift store was something I enjoyed doing with my mom growing up, and I can't wait to have those adventures with you, too.

-I'm kind of crazy and goofy and silly. I also know when it's important to be structured and serious and responsible. You have to find a balance that will work for you. Life can't all be fun and games, but it can't all be boring and buttoned-up, either.

-I truly enjoy my job working with child care centers. We help so many programs do lots of good things for children just like you. It makes me so happy to be able to support those children and help their teachers do the best they can for them. I don't know if I will be working when you arrive, or if I am, if I will still be working at 4C. But, it's one of my passions right now.

-I was married before I met your dad. My husband's name was Bryan. We started dating when I was in high school and were together for four years before we got married. Our marriage lasted less than a year before we separated and soon got divorced. We were young when we got married. I was 22 and he was 23. That may not seem young to you, but it is when you're talking about knowing who you are and how who you are will fit with the other person. Neither one of us were prepared to be married. Bryan still had things he wanted to do for himself. I was relying on him a lot after my mom had died and didn't realize how much I was asking of him. It was not a good decision for us to get married when we did, but I wouldn't change it for the world. It made me the person I am today and the wife I am today. If I had not had that experience, it's possible your dad and I never would have met. There are a lot of people in the world who get married as young as I did, or younger, and have very successful marriages. I want you to have a successful marriage. The best advice I can give is to be secure and confident in yourself before you connect your life with someone else's. That doesn't have an age minimum associated with it, but it is a very abstract idea and one that is difficult to gauge at any age. I will be there if you need me to help you figure it out.

-Your dad and I love each other very much. I like to think we have a really good marriage. I hope that it is as strong when we have you as it is now, if not stronger. I know we will need to change in our relationship in order to be good parents for you, but I want to model a positive, loving home environment for you. We may show affection to each other. A lot. It's because we love each other so much and we want to express it. I'd rather embarrass you by being kissy-kissy with your dad than something scary, shameful or harmful.

-I love you very much. Like I said earlier, you're not even you yet, and I already love you. I can't imagine what my life is going to be like with you, but I'm sure as soon as you're here, I won't be able to imagine my life without you.

Sharing is caring

There are so many things I want to share with you! I have told your dad, in no uncertain terms, that as soon as we find out you'll be joining us, we're getting a membership to a pool. I want to be able to share the experience of being in the water and swimming with you from day one. I believe it is a crucial to have even a basic knowledge of how to swim, but my hope is you'll be like a little fish.

I will tell you stories of your Grandma Annie, whom you'll never be able to meet. Keeping her memory alive and sharing with you all the things I loved about her, and even the struggles we had together, is extremely important to me. She would be so proud to be your Grandma! I only hope you get to meet your Grandpa Bruce, too, and can remember meeting him. I don't remember my dad's parents, and it has made me sad many times. Your Grandma Dana and Grandpa Mike will love every inch of you, as well as your Uncles Matt, Luke and Keith and Aunts Emily, Sara and Christine. There is so much they can teach you that I can't. I am excited to share your life with them!

I want to share all kinds of foods I love (and even some I don't...just because I hate peas doesn't mean you will), all kinds of new places to visit, all kinds of songs and books and dances and pictures that will stimulate all kinds of who-knows-what in your little brain, all kinds of memories we'll create together and remember until we're in our twilight years.

All this and more I want to share. Because sharing is caring and I can't describe how much I care about you and love you already...your dad and I both (he hasn't read this yet, but I feel confident speaking for him). We can't wait to meet you!