Another year older

Hopefully not deeper in debt! :)

My birthday came last week. Not a huge milestone...30 was last year. I remember being in my 20s and wanting to have a baby by the time I was 30, at least one. Getting married to my first husband at 22 made that seem like a reasonable goal. Divorcing at 23 put a crimp in it, but I didn't think much of it, especially when I married again at 28. About halfway through 29, I accepted the fact that I wouldn't have a baby by 30. Now here I am at 31 and it's somewhat easier to accept that life doesn't always go the way you plan. I also know that it's now probable that I'll be 32 or older by the time we finally do have a baby. Ben is 2 1/2 years my junior, so it's possible that he will be a father before 30.

The hardest thing for me to accept is my comparison to my mother. I know I shouldn't. I do anyway. I am the oldest of my siblings. I was conceived two months after my parents' wedding and my mom was 29 when I was born. I always thought 29 was old to start a family. By the time my mom was 31, she had both me and my brother. By the time she was 48, she had passed away. It's extremely hard knowing all of this and being faced with month after disappointing month of trying to conceive.

I worry about how long I will have with my children. I have been proactive--in the last 5 years I've had 2 ultrasounds done on my ovaries (and uterus). Both have been normal, aside from one of my ovaries being located south of my uterus rather than north of it. One would think that if something were present on/in my uterus that would be the cause of this issue, it might be visible on the ultrasounds. The most recent one was shortly before Ben and I started actively trying for a baby. Sometimes I can't help feeling like I'm living on borrowed time and I ache at the thought that every day, month, year that I go without a child is one less day, month, year I'll have with them.

Sorry to bum you out. I'm sitting here crying as I type. I've had to go blow my nose once already. My next blog entry will be positive, I promise. Even if I feel compelled to write a tough one again, I will write a positive one first. I do have a lot to be thankful for. Bring it on, 31, I'm ready for you!