Spreading the news

Second of several posts that remained hidden until the pregnancy was announced. This was written three weeks after it was confirmed that I was pregnant.

When you know you're pregnant and no one else does, it is excruciating. I found out three weeks ago and these three weeks have dragged beyond belief. We decided to wait to tell people for two reasons: first, my siblings' weddings are at the beginning of September and we didn't want to steal their rightly-earned thunder; second, the end of September marks the end of my first trimester, and we wanted to wait until the chance of miscarriage was lesser.

That's not to say that we didn't tell a few people. Well, few is not entirely accurate. Like I said, it's excruciating. We told our immediate families, of course. That we did right away. We also told close friends. The problem is we kept thinking of more close friends to tell. So, now while those who DO know don't outnumber those who don't know, there's still more than just a few. My hairdresser also knows, as does the cashier at my dad's favorite restaurant (she noticed me having indigestion and asked if the food was ok. I wanted to make sure she didn't think they had given me food poisoning, so I explained why). It is easier to tell strangers, honestly. Strangers you won't see again and the two reasons above to keep it quiet aren't an issue. It's a good happy medium between not telling anyone and telling the whole world.

Then there are the instances where you are stunned. My sister, her fiance and I were waiting for a flea market to open and a lady standing there with us asked me if we were going to be looking at baby items. After the split second it took me to have 9,000 questions run through my head (am I showing that much? does she have some pregnancy-radar? did my sister say something? is it a coincidence? does she think I'm someone else?), I just said "Not today..." I was at a center yesterday when the staff I was working with insisted on getting me a chair...because I was pregnant. She said that to me. Again, with the 9,000 questions. This time I didn't have as cogent of a response. I said "Um, what?" She explained that someone had told her the person who'd be working with her was pregnant. I asked who had told her that. She said her director. I clarified that she was probably thinking of a coworker of mine who had just given birth. But, I remember how badly people felt when they incorrectly assumed my extra tummy weight was a pregnancy (and sometimes I didn't have pity on them), so I shared that I was, in fact, pregnant but that it wasn't common knowledge and I was trying to figure out how she had known. I made sure to explain our reasons for not telling everyone and asked her and her director to keep my secret.

I wish I could tell people. Every time we decide to share it with someone else, I feel an incredible amount of joy. Sometimes we just come out and say it. Other times we do funny/cute things. For one friend, I tried to video tape her reaction to a picture of the positive pregnancy test. Her hand was over my phone's camera the whole time. At least you could hear her! Another friend asked how my (presumed infertility) doctor's appointment had gone. I walked him through the blood tests and the 2 urine tests in 40 minutes and then said that when the test results came back we'd know how far along I am. It took him a second, but he processed it and figured it out. For a friend of Ben's, we had planned on going to his wife's birthday party, but with our finances tight it wasn't going to work. We called to let them know and apologize and decided to share the news with them. When Ben had called, he asked to talk to both he and his wife. He explained that we were sorry we couldn't make it, but with money being tight and Janine being pregnant, we couldn't justify the trip. It was another second before it registered with them and I could hear the happy shouts through the phone.

I try to be respectful of those who I know have had difficulty like I did (some even more so). I know how I felt when I would find out people were pregnant, and I don't like being the person who may bring that feeling to them. If you're one of those people, I truly apologize for the pain and jealousy and resentment you feel. I wish there was something I could do for you, or some fool-proof advice I can give. All I can do is continue to try to be respectful of your feelings--acknowledge their validity, keep the pregnancy and baby-related talk to a minimum and always be willing to listen if you want to talk. Know that I will endeavor to do all those things, because I know what it's like and being pregnant now doesn't mean I'm no longer empathetic.