I don’t know...

August 26,2018

It’s been almost a year and a half since the miscarriage, but I swear it feels like yesterday. I don’t know...

And yet, when I think about how long we’ve been trying for a baby again (since January), it feels like forever. I don’t know if I have it in me to keep trying. Sometimes I look at Jonas and am so lucky to be his mom and decide that it’s ok to just be Jonas’s mom. Then other times I look at Jonas and want so badly for him to have a sibling, to share his life with them, to share our family with them. I know I have so much more love to give to another child, but I don’t know...

Part of me wants to just let it all go and give up trying for a baby. I almost did back in May when Jonas’s IQ eval came back so low. I really had to reflect on whether I should focus on helping Jonas be successful rather than adding another child into the mix. That month and the month my grandmother passed away were complete wastes in our efforts for conception. I told Ben at that time that I wanted us to wait two weeks, muse on it and talk about it again. We decided we wanted to keep trying. But now I don’t know...

The other part of me wonders if I will be able to forgive myself if I walk away from trying. Ben has suggested talking to the obgyn about fertility options. I still haven’t made the appointment. I don’t know if I want to, but I don’t know if thats fair to him. I almost feel like at this point, if I’m not going to get pregnant unassisted I might as well call it a day, because I really don’t want to go though a rigamarol of spent money and tests and anxiety and who knows what medication just to maybe get pregnant in my late 30s. But we want this baby so badly. I don’t know...

I know there is always adoption or fostering, but if I’m already hesitant to spend money on fertility options, adoption is way more expensive. And fostering would just break my heart. If it’s not going to happen, then that’s ok. I am so very happy to have Jonas and it’s good enough for me. But am I robbing Jonas of the opportunity of having a sibling just out of inconvenience? I don’t know...

I just don’t know...

A new journey

4/15/17 I promise, I didn't forget about you! I've just been busy learning how to be a new mom. Jonas brings new challenges and joys every day! It's a wonder I remember to change my contact lenses!

I have another journey to motherhood that I'm embarking on! Ben and I discovered we were pregnant with our second child this week! We are excited and nervous about expanding our family. This won't be posted until we make it public, but I wanted to put it down in words while I still remember how it feels.

I thought I was due for my cycle on Tuesday, but once I checked it was actually supposed to be Monday. The last few months have had some false hope and I would wait a day or two to take the test just for it to be negative. I decided this month that I just wanted to get it out of the way so I wouldn't stress for two days just to have another negative test. To my surprise, it was positive! I wanted to give Ben his "Dad" picture frame again, but I couldn't find it. I asked him where it was (it had actually come up in conversation recently, so Ben wasn't suspicious by my question). He wasn't sure, but said he would find it. I told him he might need it. That was when he caught on and asked if I was pregnant. I said yes!

If I'm being honest, I'm worried about my age in regard to the pregnancy. I was 16 days shy of my 35th birthday when I found out I was pregnant. It's one of those scary numbers that looms over a woman and is sort of the 11th hour of her biological clock. I don't feel old. I don't feel as though my odds for complications should be higher, but they are. I'm being more careful of what I'm eating now, and trying to get back to a healthy weight for when I start to gain it again from the pregnancy. I am doing my best to stay away from sick children at work. I'm trying to be in tune with my body and rest when I need to rest and understand what my limitations are. I don't want to do something that could add to any potential complications. Ben and I tried for 11 months this time (Jonas took 13 months) and I'm ready to take on the next step of nurturing the little being inside me!

I scheduled my ob appointment. They wanted to wait until I'm 8 weeks along. AGONY!! I think we were spoiled with Jonas's pregnancy. I honestly didn't believe the pregnancy test and we already had an appointment scheduled (which was actually why I took the test in the first place) so I just kept it. Within a week of finding out we were pregnant with Jonas, we had a doctor appointment, a HCG test and an ultrasound. And now I have to wait another month just to get in to the doctor! From what I read, though, it's pretty common. It doesn't make it easier, though. Haha I'm looking forward to getting to that milestone so we can set our eyes on the next landmark on our journey. Wish us well!

Reality check

7/30/17 The last post I wrote was before my first prenatal appointment. While they did not think I was miscarrying at the time, I did not continue to progress in the pregnancy and on May 25 at 10 weeks and 2 days I had a D&C.

I want to say it was a hard decision to do the D&C rather than miscarry on my own, but it really wasn't. I had been worrying for weeks already about whether I was or was not miscarrying, and having more uncertainty as to when it would happen naturally was not something I wanted to go through. So, two days after the ultrasound that confirmed that the baby (we named "Baby Sonnie" to complement the "Baby Mumfy" name Jonas was given in his early fetal days) had not developed, I was in the hospital for surgery.

It was actually good that I did opt for a D&C because the ultrasound had shown a potential for a molar pregnancy, and it turns out that I did have a partial molar pregnancy, which is a genetic abnormality that prevents a baby from growing. I am getting regular HCG tests to make sure it went and stays at a zero level. At first it was weekly, starting at 9, then 2, then 0. Now it is monthly and will be for the next five months until we get the all-clear to try to get pregnant again.

The last two months have been extremely hard. Ben and I are going to a counselor this week to be proactive with processing our grief. I am worried that I am depressed. I've been trying so hard to be positive and approach the whole situation with a healthy outlook, but it has been a long time since I have been happy. Ben and Jonas give me happiness. It's not that I am unhappy with my life, I just feel flat and unmotivated and incomplete. I'm hoping something comes from the appointment with the counselor. My OBGYN has already asked if I have thought about trying anti-depressants, but I wanted to try counseling first.

Fingers crossed.

Time keeps on slipping

9/18/17 There are now fewer weeks until Christmas than there have been since my miscarriage. It does not seem like it should be mid-September. Time feels like it is crawling and whizzing by at the same time. I should be 27 weeks pregnant right now. My blood tests have all come back with good results. I'm looking forward to the new year when we can start trying again. But there is always a nagging feeling/voice/thought that the next test is going to indicate cancer...that I am not done fighting and I am done having children. If this is my family forever and ever amen I am ok with that but the unknowing of my situation is what plagues me.

As a 35 year old woman, I can practically feel my biological clock ticking. However, if the Duchess of Cambridge can have a healthy pregnancy at 35, so can I! I read a poem the other day that has stuck with me...sort of like "I Will Wait" did with Jonas. It said "What if I fall? Oh but my darling what if you fly?" And it has given me a renewed resolve. Sure, there could be issues; issues can happen anyway, right? But I shouldn't give up on the basis of "what if's."

There's another saying I saw recently that said "You are not too old and it is not too late." And while it was written general on purpose to keep it applicable to a wide range of readers, it really struck home about my journey to motherhood. I'm going to keep these two quotes handy on the days when time seems to be slipping and my doubts creep in.

Duh, winning!

I called the ob today. I took my blood glucose test last Thursday and wanted to give them a couple of days to get the results. Holy cow, that test was terrible. I wasn't even all the way through the 10oz of 50g sugar drink and I felt sick. Luckily I was able to hold it off until they took my blood an hour later and then threw up. I felt like crap the rest of the day. Anyway, I digress. They had the results and said that I passed. Wahoo!! Good thing, because if it had been inconclusive, I would have needed to do a 3 hour test instead. I don't know if I would have been able to keep from getting sick that long.

While I had them on the phone, I asked if it would be possible to speak with the doctor about how necessary the additional ultrasound that had been scheduled was. Those following along at home may remember that they had said that Jonas was measuring large. They said they would review the last ultrasounds and call me back. Well, they just did. They said that they felt his size could be monitored through fundal height measurements at each visit going forward (which starting on the 17th will be every two weeks. I can get behind that. They did mention that if they feel it's necessary, we may revisit having an ultrasound done at 34-36 weeks, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

For now, I feel like I've got Adonis DNA (must be little Jonas haha) and tiger blood in my veins (the cat has scratched me a few times, though we liken him to a lion more often than a tiger) because I'm, duh, winning!