Reality check

7/30/17 The last post I wrote was before my first prenatal appointment. While they did not think I was miscarrying at the time, I did not continue to progress in the pregnancy and on May 25 at 10 weeks and 2 days I had a D&C.

I want to say it was a hard decision to do the D&C rather than miscarry on my own, but it really wasn't. I had been worrying for weeks already about whether I was or was not miscarrying, and having more uncertainty as to when it would happen naturally was not something I wanted to go through. So, two days after the ultrasound that confirmed that the baby (we named "Baby Sonnie" to complement the "Baby Mumfy" name Jonas was given in his early fetal days) had not developed, I was in the hospital for surgery.

It was actually good that I did opt for a D&C because the ultrasound had shown a potential for a molar pregnancy, and it turns out that I did have a partial molar pregnancy, which is a genetic abnormality that prevents a baby from growing. I am getting regular HCG tests to make sure it went and stays at a zero level. At first it was weekly, starting at 9, then 2, then 0. Now it is monthly and will be for the next five months until we get the all-clear to try to get pregnant again.

The last two months have been extremely hard. Ben and I are going to a counselor this week to be proactive with processing our grief. I am worried that I am depressed. I've been trying so hard to be positive and approach the whole situation with a healthy outlook, but it has been a long time since I have been happy. Ben and Jonas give me happiness. It's not that I am unhappy with my life, I just feel flat and unmotivated and incomplete. I'm hoping something comes from the appointment with the counselor. My OBGYN has already asked if I have thought about trying anti-depressants, but I wanted to try counseling first.

Fingers crossed.

Time keeps on slipping

9/18/17 There are now fewer weeks until Christmas than there have been since my miscarriage. It does not seem like it should be mid-September. Time feels like it is crawling and whizzing by at the same time. I should be 27 weeks pregnant right now. My blood tests have all come back with good results. I'm looking forward to the new year when we can start trying again. But there is always a nagging feeling/voice/thought that the next test is going to indicate cancer...that I am not done fighting and I am done having children. If this is my family forever and ever amen I am ok with that but the unknowing of my situation is what plagues me.

As a 35 year old woman, I can practically feel my biological clock ticking. However, if the Duchess of Cambridge can have a healthy pregnancy at 35, so can I! I read a poem the other day that has stuck with me...sort of like "I Will Wait" did with Jonas. It said "What if I fall? Oh but my darling what if you fly?" And it has given me a renewed resolve. Sure, there could be issues; issues can happen anyway, right? But I shouldn't give up on the basis of "what if's."

There's another saying I saw recently that said "You are not too old and it is not too late." And while it was written general on purpose to keep it applicable to a wide range of readers, it really struck home about my journey to motherhood. I'm going to keep these two quotes handy on the days when time seems to be slipping and my doubts creep in.