The more things change, the more they stay the same...

Just when I was getting used to how my body had changed off of birth control, it goes and spits in my face. "How dare you?" it says to me. "You think you know me? You don't know me." I imagine it as a trashy woman from Jerry Springer. It has truly made these last 13 months a more difficult process. At first I was really happy because I used to be in so much physical pain. Now, I would gladly take the pain back if it meant I was predictable, or even pregnant.

I'm glad I wrote the blog about my going through the 5 stages of grief. I can re-read it and remind myself that how I'm feeling is something I have felt many times before and I'm not broken. The coming weeks until the doctor's appointment are going to be hell.

I don't know what I'm going to do when I actually do get pregnant. I don't think I'll believe it. I'm so used to not being pregnant that it wouldn't seem real. I'd probably be in denial for several days, if not weeks. I wouldn't want to get my hopes up completely. It's really sad that I'm so jaded. I don't want to be, but when all I've known is disappointment, I think it will be hard to accept success outright. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

The next step

Well, it's done. After a week and a half of forgetting to call until the office was closed, I was able to schedule an appointment (after the Bar) to talk to the doctor about our inabilities thus far to conceive. That was a hard call to make--not because I felt like I was admitting defeat or was ashamed, but because I didn't really know how to handle the call. What I ended up saying to the person who answered the phone was that I wanted to make an appointment and that we'd been trying to conceive for over a year and wanted to speak to the doctor about it. Once the appointment was made, I asked if I would need to attend by myself or if Ben could/should attend as well. She said it was up to me. I've told Ben that I'd like it if he went with me, but I'd understand if he couldn't (I'd much prefer he go to an interview, for instance).

Now that that's taken care of, I'm not entirely sure what to expect. This is where all those people who offered listening ears and advice come in. Until now, I was doing ok on my own and with Ben. But, now I have no clue what's going to come next. Any and all advice you could give would be appreciated, whether that's helping me be prepared for what they'll talk to us about or sharing your decision making process when you went down a similar road. I know several friends who have chosen different options-- fertility treatments, hormone therapy (are those the same thing?? See I don't know! Lol), IVF, adoption, etc-- each with their levels of success. I am very open at this point to hear your pros/cons, experiences, determining factors, what have you. I may not be in the same situation exactly, but it will all help me figure out what our best course of action is for our specific situation.

So, bring it on! I need all the help I can get! :)

What to say...

I don't know what to say. I know I want to say something, but it's hard to put it into words. I have a jumble of emotions in my soul that all beg for equal attention. I was three days late this month. It's took me more days than I prefer to say it out loud to anyone other than Ben. For three days we allowed ourselves the chance to believe that we were pregnant. And then reality came like a guillotine.

I was reading something about infertility recently...breaking my own rule, I know. The author said that they believe that people who struggle with infertility go through the five stages of grief. It stopped me in my tracks. I realized that every month, I do. I'm so sorry to everyone that has come in contact with me during that period of time. I know I'm not pleasant to be around when I'm dealing with my own demons.

So what does it look like, for me at least? I'll give you a glimpse.

Stage 1: Denial--Usually days 1-3 "Maybe it's just implantation bleeding. It could be, right? It really does happen, so it's reasonable it'd happen to me. Right? I'm going to take these two pregnancy tests just to make sure."

Stage 2: Anger--This month it was in tandem with Stage 1, but usually on days 3-5 "Why isn't it working? What am I doing wrong? How are teenagers and deadbeats and teenage deadbeats getting pregnant and not me? I can't look at babies or pregnant women without feeling jealous. I hate this."

Stage 3: Bargaining--Usually days 5-7 "I'd rather be pregnant than lose all the weight that I've lost. I'd rather have a baby than have full nights' sleep. I'd rather have a baby than have a landscaper (our lawn mower broke). What do I need to do to make it happen? Prenatal vitamins? Done! Sweet Potatoes? Done! Stand on my head? Done! Can I have a baby now?"

Stage 4: Depression--Usually days 1-13 "Nothing I/we do is working. Maybe it's not meant to be. I don't know if I can go through this again. Why do I do this to myself? I might as well just give up trying. It's never going to happen."

Stage 5: Acceptance--Usually day 14 or so, sometimes earlier "Dear God, I need all the strength I can get. I know you have a plan, so here we go again. Another month, another opportunity to keep trying!"



I was angry for the entire day when reality showed up--angry at myself for getting my hopes up, angry at my life for taking so long to be ready to try for a baby, angry at my body for not actually being pregnant but making me think for a very long three days that I was, angry at everyone and no one at the same time. Most of the time, the anger is coupled with sadness. But this time the anger was too overwhelming. I'm still angry thinking about it, but now I'm more sad than anything. Talk to me again in two weeks and I should be fine again.

I think I've gone off the deep end...

I may have officially gone off the deep end. Ben and I were in a bookstore earlier this week and as I wandered around while he thumbed through some omnibi, I found myself in the "Family and Child Care" section. There were the usual What to Expect books and baby name dictionaries, and a bunch of other books, magazines and journals all revolving around having a baby. I wasn't wistful or bitter.

Here we are a full year into trying to conceive and I feel almost as hopeful as I did when we first started. Maybe I've just used up all my anxiety, or maybe I'm just optimistic that this will be our month after all, or maybe (the most likely scenario, IMO) I'm ready to make my appointment to see the doctor and find out what our options are. There's a calming sense when you know there are possibilities within your reach. I know that it will still be another month before we'll have the appointment, but I'm planning on making the call to the doctor in the next couple of weeks so that we can get in as early in August as possible. Maybe the day after the bar exam? Hahaha, just kidding! You can breathe again now, Ben. ;)

So I'm standing there staring at these books and magazines and journals. I was drawn to the pregnancy journals in a way I've never been before. In fact, as I picked them up one by one--looking at their structure and their content and weighing their merits against each other--I was was reminded of when I was planning my wedding. What you may not realize is I was planning my wedding before I was engaged, which is saying a lot since I was the one keeping our relationship at a slow pace. But, what I told Ben at the time is that if it was just the wedding, I'd get married in an instant. I needed to be ready to be married, too. That didn't stop me from dreaming about what my dress would look like and frequenting the wedding sections of bookstores looking at books on centerpieces and planning calendars.

Anyway, I digress. I felt a parallel between looking at wedding resources without a fiancé and looking at pregnancy books without a baby. And this is where I went off the deep end. I decided to buy one of the pregnancy journals. I want to not only be ready to be pregnant but also ready to have a baby. No, I may not have a baby, but I will. When I do, I will have this journal to stick ultrasounds in and pictures of my growing belly. Or, we'll adopt and I'll Frankenstein it to fit my needs. I really wanted one where both parents could journal together, but there weren't any there. I even did a search later and there doesn't seem to be any that I can find. I guess the pregnancy journal world hasn't quite caught up yet that having a baby might be a joint effort.

I chose one that had watercolor drawings of the fruits and vegetables the baby will resemble in size and pages with prompts about feelings and experiences as well as blank pages where I can just write whatever I want. Don't worry, I'll still keep this blog. This has been a way for me to keep ahead of my feelings so I don't lose track of myself, and I will need that. I held the book, cover facing me, and went to find Ben. As I walked down the aisle toward him, I began smiling bigger and bigger, even past the point of silly grin, making him suspicious of what book I had. I finally turned the book around so he could see and he laughed, rolled his eyes affectionately as he is wont to do when I go all baby crazy (as I am at times wont to do) and kissed me on my forehead. Ok, so maybe I am actually a little optimistic that this month will be our month. Maybe we both are. Aren't I always? I have to be. My optimism is what keeps me from drowning over here in the deep end. It's been such a roller coaster of a year and regardless of what this month will bring, it will be the beginning of a new phase in our lives and I don't know a better reason to be optimistic.

Uplifting

It's been an uplifting couple of days. Yesterday, a coworker I don't interact with much was talking to me about how she wants to adopt a little girl. She asked if I wanted children. I realized that she didn't know about us having tried for a year now. Oddly enough, I was ok with her question of whether I wanted children and not the question I've been plagued with (that I've talked about before) of when am I going to have children. There was an implication that it was ok if I didn't want children, and not an implication that I'm late to my own baby-having party.

Today, while talking to a teacher in a school-age classroom, she shared with me that she and her husband were trying for a baby. I told her that I knew how she felt, as we had been trying as well. I wished her good luck, as I could related to how hard it was. She said that they had just started the process. I felt a connection with her as we go about our journey at different stages. I was the one with experience in this case. I don't wish that she struggles like I do. I also have to accept that she may get pregnant before I do. For now, we are on the same journey.

After work, I spent some time at the thrift stores. While I was looking for something completely different, I found some super-cute crib bedding. Ben and I, after much going-around, decided we wanted a literary themed nursery for when we get pregnant. Boy or girl, it works! I first saw the Paddington Bear bumper pad, but then found a crib duster and curtain to match. For some reason, buying baby things was almost therapeutic. I may not have a baby now, but planning for one was reassuring.

Unfortunately, after doing a bit of research, I've found that bumper pads are not recommended for use in babies' cribs by the American Academy of Pediatrics. That's all right! I literally spent $2 on it ($4 for all three pieces), so I'm not that concerned with finding alternative uses for it. Possibly a quilt? A diaper stacker? Wall hanging? Who knows, but for $2 I'm sure I'll get my money's worth. :)

It's been an uplifting couple of days. I'm ready for more. :)

Members of the family

Around two months ago, I wrote a blog about the possibility of us getting another dog, among other things. Well, here we are and our household has indeed grown. Unfortunately for me, it wasn't because of a dog.

Meet Captain Argyle Augustus MacDuff, the newest and felinest member of our family!

Argyle is a 4 month old dusty orange tabby. His birthday is our anniversary! He is super sweet and friendly. His paws are so big! He is going to be huge. He and our dog, Mayhem, get along so well! They play and cuddle together. I look forward to seeing him grow up.

I can't forget about my awesome dog! Mayhem just turned 7 in April. I've had her since she was 2 years old. She loves to be loved on and is the least Jack Russell-y Jack Russell I've ever met. LOL Her favorite treat is ice cubes and she actually enjoys wearing dog clothes! She is so spoiled.

I love all the members of our family. I look forward to when I can say that it includes a baby. :)

Dear baby... (2)

Dear baby,

You won't be joining us this month. While it is hard for me to accept, I must. As I've said before, amazing things take time and you are no exception. Your dad held me yesterday as I wept into his shirt and told me that we were getting all the bad batches out of our system first before we could have an amazing baby. Ok, he used another word other than bad, but it's not a word I want your little ears to hear, so I picked a synonym.

I think I'll tell you about your dad this time. Here are some things to know about him.

-He is a very, very good man. You are very lucky to have a dad like him, and I am lucky to have a husband like him. He will help you grow up to be a good person and a good citizen...the latter probably better than me. ;)

-I'm proud that he is an Eagle Scout. There have been some issues lately around the BSA that have created a not-so-nice view of the scouts. I hope that by the time you are here and will be participating in some form of scouting, that a more welcoming policy has been put in place. Regardless, the scouting movement, apart from its beaurocratic parent organization, stands for loyalty, bravery, kindness and reverence, among others. All of those things are good qualities to have or strive for. He is also a Minisino (one day maybe your Uncle Luke or your dad could explain what that is) and Order of the Arrow brotherhood (which your Grandpa Mike can explain as well).

-He is a talented storyteller. He loves to captivate his audience as he entertains them with his words. He is able to think of ways to describe things that are simple to understand, yet capture his point well. Many times it includes humor. This will be a benefit in his law career. Right now we don't know how that will turn out, but we are hopeful it will be a good process and outcome. It will also be a benefit as a parent. I can't wait to hear him tell you stories.

-He is very close with his family. He and his brother, your Uncle Matt, have a wonderful relationship, even though they are 15 years apart. Your Aunt Emily is very special to him, too, and they enjoy poking fun at each other. His relationship with his parents is one that he cherishes. He can talk to your Grandma Dana about nearly anything and he has so much in common with your Grandpa Mike.

-He is a nerd. He loves to play games like D&D, Dark Heresy, L5R, Minecraft and Fable. In fact, he plays some of these games with me, his family, your Grandpa Bruce and Uncle Luke, and your Uncle Keith and Aunt Sara. Who knows what games will look like or be like when you are old enough to play and appreciate. Be thankful that you have your dad, because if it were up to me, electronics would be used at an absolute minimum. He will be the influence that keeps our parenting balanced.

-He and I both are very much looking forward to having you in our lives. He will do anything in his power for you. So, I don't know how many more bad batches we have to get out of our system before we have you, but it will be worth it.