Another year older

Hopefully not deeper in debt! :)

My birthday came last week. Not a huge milestone...30 was last year. I remember being in my 20s and wanting to have a baby by the time I was 30, at least one. Getting married to my first husband at 22 made that seem like a reasonable goal. Divorcing at 23 put a crimp in it, but I didn't think much of it, especially when I married again at 28. About halfway through 29, I accepted the fact that I wouldn't have a baby by 30. Now here I am at 31 and it's somewhat easier to accept that life doesn't always go the way you plan. I also know that it's now probable that I'll be 32 or older by the time we finally do have a baby. Ben is 2 1/2 years my junior, so it's possible that he will be a father before 30.

The hardest thing for me to accept is my comparison to my mother. I know I shouldn't. I do anyway. I am the oldest of my siblings. I was conceived two months after my parents' wedding and my mom was 29 when I was born. I always thought 29 was old to start a family. By the time my mom was 31, she had both me and my brother. By the time she was 48, she had passed away. It's extremely hard knowing all of this and being faced with month after disappointing month of trying to conceive.

I worry about how long I will have with my children. I have been proactive--in the last 5 years I've had 2 ultrasounds done on my ovaries (and uterus). Both have been normal, aside from one of my ovaries being located south of my uterus rather than north of it. One would think that if something were present on/in my uterus that would be the cause of this issue, it might be visible on the ultrasounds. The most recent one was shortly before Ben and I started actively trying for a baby. Sometimes I can't help feeling like I'm living on borrowed time and I ache at the thought that every day, month, year that I go without a child is one less day, month, year I'll have with them.

Sorry to bum you out. I'm sitting here crying as I type. I've had to go blow my nose once already. My next blog entry will be positive, I promise. Even if I feel compelled to write a tough one again, I will write a positive one first. I do have a lot to be thankful for. Bring it on, 31, I'm ready for you!

New doctor

Don't worry; I'm still with my same OBGYN, because he is awesome. The female OB there is awesome as well. There's a third doctor in their practice, but I don't like him so I pretend it's just the other two. Two out of three isn't bad. :)

No, I finally got around to getting a new GP. I had an issue that needed addressing in a timely fashion (trying hard not to give TMI. According to one of my strengthsfinder talents, Woo, I am as comfortable sharing with strangers as I am with best friends. So, while it doesn't bother me to talk about my health stuff, it may bother others). I started with a doctor that had been recommended to me. She was not accepting new patients. I was on my way out to the car headed to a visit for work, so I quickly jotted down a few numbers of nearby doctors to find one who could take me on. After three or four, I found one, and he was able to see me that same day.

Obviously, I had no prior knowledge of him or what kind of doctor he is. Boy, did I luck out. He was friendly, made social conversation about how long we had both been married, asked thoughtful questions and listened to my answers about not only what I had gone in for, but also my frustration with trying to conceive. We had a good discussion about how hard it is to go through this process, how deeply personal it is for me and Ben and what our options are in terms of solutions moving forward (if it's determined that solutions are needed). It was not a patient mill like I've experienced in the past, and the fact that he didn't interrupt me was a big plus--Lord knows that's one of my pet peeves anyway, much less when I'm trying to answer questions a doctor just asked.

Having a doctor listen and sympathize with my issues was heartening. He was also very candid and said that if there are concerns with myself or with Ben that many of them are easily dealt with. That was reassuring as well. Even more, he asked if Ben was eager for a baby as well. Seriously, so impressed.

So, three more months and if there's still no baby, I'll be open to the options available to us. :)

A shift in thinking

It's amazing how just the idea of having children can change how you start thinking about things.

For instance, Ben and I have been discussing getting another dog. Our dog has been with other dogs almost the whole time I've had her. We've noticed that she seems to be a little lonely since we started living by ourselves, and when other dogs come to visit she is happier. We had decided to wait until Ben had a job, so we would have extra money for a second pet. I had a thought the other day, though. If we wait until he has a job, which may be August or later, we may already be pregnant at that point (oh, Lord I hope so...) and would be faced with a new dog and shortly after a baby. The sooner we get another dog, the more time we have to get it acclimated. So, we're going to be looking at dogs to adopt soon.

Another shift in thinking was when we were buying a bed recently. We debated whether we would get another queen or get a king size instead. The things we considered were the space in our bedroom, the need of another mattress, and the possibility of little children finding their way there from bad dreams or fussy nights. We had all but settled on a king until we saw the price of king size mattresses. Holy moly. We decided that was definitely a purchase that could wait and stuck with a queen. We'll just have to get cozy on those fussy nights.

It's not just purchases that shift our thinking, though. We've talked about how our choice of words will need to change (we each have our favorite blue words), how our relationship will be different and in what ways we'll need to baby-proof the house. I'm glad we have these conversations, but I know there are things we haven't even realized need to be addressed. We'll figure it out together and I can't express how blessed I feel to have such an amazing partner in life. I'm so happy to share this journey with him, and I know he will be a fantastic father. There is no shift in thinking there at all.

Some days are harder...

Another month and no conception. It's been nine months of trying now. It seems strange to me that if Ben and I had conceived the first month we started trying, we would nearly have a baby right now. As it is, we won't have a baby this year. Some days are harder to accept that than others.

I don't talk about my struggle much on Facebook. It's not something I like sharing and I also don't want to have some cheese with my whine. I did the other day, though, when I found out we weren't pregnant again. I tried not to be heavy handed about it, but did express my frustration and said that things were hard. I got a lot of positive support, which I was very grateful for. Several friends said that it would happen when it is meant to and not to get discouraged. Several others offered listening ears. I am so lucky to have supportive friends and family.

I had a hard enough time talking about it on Facebook and an even harder time deciding to make this blog public. It's not that I don't appreciate the feedback and offers to swap tales of frustration, I do appreciate it. I pray and tell myself every day that it will happen in it's own time and that I should stay optimistic. Most days it works. Some days it doesn't. As strange as it sounds, I would rather not talk to others who have struggled with conception. I don't frequent message boards on the topic, nor do I seek it out in general conversation. Seeing and hearing others who are having trouble discourages me. It makes me think it will never happen for us. I want to stay positive and discussing negative things challenges that positivity.

However, I have not experienced a miscarriage (that I'm aware of) and I have resolved that if I ever do, I will need to talk to people about it. It won't be something I think I could handle privately. A friend suggested to me that I not announce my pregnancy until after the first trimester in case I do miscarry. I completely understand her logic, but I would NEED the strength of my friends and family at that point to help me through. I can't internalize that much sadness.

Ben has been wonderful these past nine months, really like always. I see that he is happily ready to start a family with me and shares my disappointment when we find out that we didn't conceive that month. I tend to take it harder than he does. But, if we were both blubbering messes I doubt it would be very helpful. It's good that he is strong when I am weak.

The doctor said when I was there a few months ago that I needed to wait until we'd been trying for a year before they'd do fertility tests. I was thinking about it the other day and as hard as I think it would be, I will probably wait until it's been 13 months to make an appointment, for multiple reasons. First, to ensure that an entire year has passed and that it won't finally happen in the next month after a year (especially since depending on who you talk to, birth control use can inhibit fertilization up to a year and I was on birth control for more than a third of my life). Second, Ben is going to be taking the bar at the end of July and studying practically from graduation until that time. We probably won't see each other hardly at all during that time, much less be able to find some free time we could attend an appointment together. So, if I wait until August, assuming we still haven't conceived, we will have thirteen months under our belts as well as a more forgiving schedule. I'm not terribly happy about it, but I think it will be for the best.

Until then, some days will still be harder and I just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

Take your time

I can't help but wonder: are you in there? It is crazy to think that you might be. I try every month not to get my hopes up, but it's no use, I always do anyway. I know that you're waiting for just the right moment to show up, and I can respect that. You will be amazing, and amazing things often need time to happen.

So, you take you're time. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here when you're ready.

Truly happy

As I've said before, several people in my life are pregnant. One is a coworker and another is my college roommate. I thought it was going to be difficult to watch them grow little babies inside them, but it has actually been a good experience. I find myself looking forward to seeing updates on Facebook from my friend about her latest ultrasound. I catch myself peeking at the bump my coworker is getting. I really am happy for them, and no "buts" either. I have jokingly told my former roommate that we WILL be pregnant together...and while that would be fantastic, I am ok knowing that my baby is going to come when it is meant to and not as a matching fashion accessory. I have talked to my coworker about the difficulties of finding affordable maternity clothes, and don't cringe a bit when she says "you'll find out soon." I'm hoping that she's right and it will be sooner rather than later, but that doesn't mean that I can't be happy for the mommies-to-be who are close to me. I am feeling much better since Ben and I had our heart-to-heart and I am confident that I would not be nearly as happy with where I am, where we are or where my friends are if I was still carrying that burden.

Sharing is caring

There are so many things I want to share with you! I have told your dad, in no uncertain terms, that as soon as we find out you'll be joining us, we're getting a membership to a pool. I want to be able to share the experience of being in the water and swimming with you from day one. I believe it is a crucial to have even a basic knowledge of how to swim, but my hope is you'll be like a little fish.

I will tell you stories of your Grandma Annie, whom you'll never be able to meet. Keeping her memory alive and sharing with you all the things I loved about her, and even the struggles we had together, is extremely important to me. She would be so proud to be your Grandma! I only hope you get to meet your Grandpa Bruce, too, and can remember meeting him. I don't remember my dad's parents, and it has made me sad many times. Your Grandma Dana and Grandpa Mike will love every inch of you, as well as your Uncles Matt, Luke and Keith and Aunts Emily, Sara and Christine. There is so much they can teach you that I can't. I am excited to share your life with them!

I want to share all kinds of foods I love (and even some I don't...just because I hate peas doesn't mean you will), all kinds of new places to visit, all kinds of songs and books and dances and pictures that will stimulate all kinds of who-knows-what in your little brain, all kinds of memories we'll create together and remember until we're in our twilight years.

All this and more I want to share. Because sharing is caring and I can't describe how much I care about you and love you already...your dad and I both (he hasn't read this yet, but I feel confident speaking for him). We can't wait to meet you!